How can I offer support?
On this page:
If you think that someone you know is experiencing domestic abuse, there are lots of things that you can say and do which will be helpful. While you support them, it is important to remember that you need to be patient.
Part of understanding what is helpful to a survivor, is understanding the things that are really unhelpful. We know that most people are not intending to be unhelpful, but lots of people have never faced a situation of domestic abuse before and so do not always ‘get it right‘.
In these website pages, we describe some of the most helpful things you can say and do, at the different stages of helping a survivor. Sometimes, we also include a few examples of the unhelpful things that people do, so you can see the difference, and try to avoid making these mistakes. We also give you some examples of ways to start asking, and to continue talking with someone about their experiences.
What can I do?
One of the reasons why people are not sure what to say or do, is that they do not know much about domestic abuse. Domestic abuse is not something that we talk about a lot, and there are lots of myths that exist. It is important to find out the truth about what domestic abuse is, who experiences it, who perpetrates it, and why your support is important.
Finding out information about domestic abuse is helpful in two ways: (1) if you understand what is happening, you will be better equipped to offer support. (2) you can pass on the information you learn to other people who want to help, and to the survivor. People who are experiencing domestic abuse often have mistaken beliefs about domestic abuse that may hold them back from seeking help.
Even when we notice that something is wrong, we often find it difficult to know whether it is a good idea to say something. If your friend, family member, neighbour, or colleague is experiencing abuse, they may struggle to talk about it. Most people will not start to talk about difficult experiences unless they are encouraged to do so. For this to happen, they will need to be with someone they trust, in a place they feel safe (in particular, when the abuser is not around), and they will need time to talk.
Many people struggle to identify with the term ‘domestic abuse‘ so it is best not to describe someone’s experiences in this way.
Sometimes people are worried that they will offend the person they know if they start to talk or ask about their relationship. However, research shows that most women (whether they are experiencing domestic abuse or not) do not mind if someone who cares about them gently asks about their relationship. It is easier for survivors to talk about what is happening if questions are asked sensitively – this shows your kindness and concern for them.
Starting to talk about the behaviours or impacts you notice can feel quite difficult or scary, but there are simple ways to do this. You could start by asking the person a general question about how they are, or about how things are going in their relationship. These questions invite the person to talk about what is happening if they want to, but also give them the option to choose not to talk about what is happening. Another easy way to start, is to talk about things you have noticed in the survivor’s behaviour, or in the abuser’s behaviour:
- We haven’t seen much of you recently, is everything OK?
- I’ve noticed you seem a bit down, has anyone upset you?
- Is everything OK at home?
- You don’t seem yourself, are you alright?
- I’m worried about you… I saw the way they looked at you and you seemed scared?
- Wow, they text you a lot, do they do that all the time?
There are lots of reasons why people experiencing domestic abuse do not tell others what is happening, or find it hard to talk about their experiences. If you ask gently, using questions like the ones above, and the person chooses not to talk about the abuse, you must respect this choice. If you try to push the survivor to tell you what is happening, they may close down, stop the conversation, and distance themselves from you. There are multiple reasons why someone might distance themselves if they’re not ready or able to share what’s going on. They may genuinely have hope that things will improve, and may find it difficult to hear strong opinions against this. They may be concerned about other people’s reactions and if others might try to take over and make decisions for them. Read more about reasons why someone might not share and how to support them when they’re ready to talk.
