They’ve decided to stay, how can I help?

Abusers can be very clever at manipulating people, making them believe that things will get better, or be different, in the future. Sometimes they do this by saying ‘sorry’, making promises that they will change, or by using gifts, kindness, and loving words or gestures towards the survivor. However, apologies do not excuse abuse, and behaviour like saying sorry, offering gifts or promising to change can be used as tools to keep the survivor within the relationship. It does not mean that the abuse will end, or that the control over the survivor will decrease. 

“He probably told me more than 100 times that he was sorry, and that he could change. I really, really wanted to believe that things could be different one day.”

(Survivor)

If someone is really hopeful that things will get better, they will probably find it hard to hear any views which challenge this, and they may distance themselves from you if you strongly share opinions which are different to theirs. What you can do, is to ask gently for more information about these hopes for change. So, for example, if the person says that an abuser’s behaviour has been kind recently and that they think this is the start of a big change, you could ask them questions about whether the abuser has been kind in the past, what changes they are hoping for, and how they will know if those changes have happened. 

In this way, you are not confronting the survivor with a different opinion about their hopes, but you are giving them space to think through what their hopes are, what this means for them, and whether the hopes are realistic. 

Women who are experiencing domestic abuse may be scared to end the relationship. They may be fearful for their own safety, the safety of people they care about (including children), and the safety of pets. Abusers often make threats to hurt, injure, or kill a survivor, or her friends, relatives, or pets, if she makes the decision to leave.

An abuser may also threaten to damage a survivor’s property or possessions, or to share intimate images of them. Having lived in the relationship with the abuser, survivors are often aware of the violence and abuse they’re capable of. 

Never try to persuade someone that the risk is less than they believe it is. If the person decides to remain in the relationship, the best thing you can do is seek help and advice yourself from specialist services to find out how dangerous the abusive situation is, and how you can support the person you know to leave safely, and remain safe, when they are ready. 

You could also let the survivor know that you are concerned about her safety (and the safety of her children) and, if she is happy to talk with you about this, there are general safety tips you can share.  

Remember in an emergency situation you should always call 999 for the Police. If you cannot talk, you will be asked to press 55 to be put through.  

Use 999 BSL for a British Sign Language interpreter to connect you to emergency services. 

If children are part of the situation (for example, the survivor has children or the abuser has children), a survivor may be concerned about the impact on the children if she ends the relationship. A survivor may feel that children need 2 parents/parental figures (or contact with their extended families) in order to thrive – in the UK, there are strong societal and cultural opinions about this, and particularly about the rights of parents to interact with their children, even if a parent behaves abusively towards their children, or towards other people. These societal ideas do not recognise the connection between an abuser and their role as a parent, and how a pattern of coercive control may impact children.  

It can be difficult for survivors to challenge these ideas, both internally (to consider their own thoughts about these ideas) and externally (worrying about the judgements of other people, including professionals). Abusers often make threats to contact social services, or to declare that a survivor is an ‘unfit mother’ if she decides to end the relationship. Understandably, this can make a survivor very nervous about losing her children. 

A survivor may also want to protect or stay in contact with an abuser’s children. She may worry about what the end of the relationship will mean for these children. 

Survivors may also be concerned about the impacts on their children of changes which happen as a result of leaving the relationship. For example, less contact with important people in their lives, and moving area, house, and schools. 

“You get all these messages in the media about kids needing to parents, and I was worried that I just wouldn’t cope on my own, or that the children would hate me for leaving.”

(Survivor)

“I think she realised that I’d had enough and was going to walk away from the relationship. She told me that if I ever did, she’d contact social services with a whole list of my faults, and I’d never see the kids again. I couldn’t take that risk.”

(Survivor)

If a survivor feels that she is doing a good job of being a mum, it may make it easier for her to feel that she could parent her children on her own – this may overcome one barrier to leaving/ending a relationship. 

If someone is worried about parenting children on their own, there are things you can do to help. Possibly the most important, is to support them as they parent their children, by helping build their confidence. If you see them using good parenting skills, (for example, being kind, consistent and respectful, setting good boundaries, and staying calm) encourage them by giving them positive feedback. 

No parent gets everything right, but unless a child is at risk of harm, try not to criticise, compare, judge, or take over. Instead, be kind – share your own parenting challenges or difficulties with the survivor and gently discuss how each of you could do things differently. You could also share ‘support for parents’ resources with her and perhaps go through them together. 

Another thing that you can do, (without criticising, judging, or blaming) is to let the person know that you care about their children, and that you are worried that they might be affected by the situation. By gently expressing your concern, this may help you to talk together about the environment that children need to feel safe and to thrive. 

We know that children are survivors of domestic abuse in their own right, and the effects of changes which happen as a result of leaving are usually less (especially long term) than the effects of living in a home where the abuse continues. Most survivors under-estimate how much of the abuse their children have seen, heard, and experienced, and, for many women, the main reason for ending the relationship is to protect their children. 

It may be helpful to share resources for children if they need support: 

• Childline is available on 0800 1111, via email, or children can have a 1-2-1 chat with a counsellor online
• A safe adult can use the Women’s Aid directory to explore which services are available locally for children and young people. 
• YoungMinds have lots of advice to help children and young people understand more about what they’re feeling and find support with their mental health.

Love is sometimes the hardest reason for people outside of the relationship to understand – many people struggle with the idea that it is possible to love someone who is behaving abusively. But survivors tell us that the love they felt for the abusive person does not just disappear because of the abuse.  

Abusers often use these feelings to manipulate a survivor’s behaviour. Saying things like, ‘If you loved me, you’d do what I ask‘, ‘You wouldn’t do that if you cared about me‘. But they also use these feelings to try to prevent a survivor from leaving.  

“I still completely loved him, and I hate the idea of leaving him alone and miserable in our flat. I wanted to wear my rings, even after I left, but I didn’t feel that other people would understand that I wasn’t ready to let go just yet.”

(Survivor)

From speaking with survivors, we know that they often feel conflicted feelings about the love and care they feel for an abuser, and that it is important that these feelings are not judged, dismissed, or ignored by other people.  

By gently asking open questions about how the person feels towards the abuser, in a supportive way, you will give the survivor an opportunity to think about what their feelings are. 

Many survivors feel embarrassed or ashamed that they have experienced domestic abuse. In spite of the changes in societal views about domestic abuse over the years, there is still a great deal of shame and stigma which remain. 

Shame and stigma are also a key part of “honour”-based abuse, where there can be significant consequences if a family believes someone to be bringing dishonour or shame. Survivors may be shamed to maintain control and prevent them speaking out. You can learn more about “honour”-based abuse and how to support someone on Karma Nirvana’s website. You can call their helpline for emotional support and expert guidance to help you understand if someone you know may be experiencing this. 

By ending a relationship which is abusive, a survivor may feel that their experiences of abuse will be highlighted to other people. For example, that they may have to explain to others why the relationship has ended or explain why they have made particular decisions and choices. 

A survivor may also be concerned that people’s opinions of them will change, and that they will be treated differently, if people know what has happened. There can be additional stigma and barriers for survivors who work in the domestic abuse sector or in a role that supports survivors e.g. GP, social care, police. There can be barriers where they may not be able to reach out to some services because of professional links.  

“I couldn’t believe it had happened to me. I was worried that my colleagues would see me differently if they knew, and they would undermine everything I’d worked so hard for.”

(Survivor)

“My parents have been together over 50 years and have strong views about marriage. I couldn’t bear the idea that they would think I hadn’t tried hard enough or had failed to stick with it.”

(Survivor)

One of the ways you can help someone who is feeling embarrassment, shame, or stigma about their experiences of domestic abuse, is to reduce the silence. Feelings of shame often remain, or grow, if we do not let ourselves talk about difficult experiences. This does not mean that you need to talk directly about the person’s own experiences, especially if they are not keen to do this. But, by talking about domestic abuse more generally, you can help to bring it out into the open. You might chose to share some information that you have recently learnt about domestic abuse 

Or you could use a recent news story, or a soap opera/TV storyline, to start a conversation. By talking about domestic abuse, without necessarily talking about the person’s own experiences, you can give lots of helpful responses and messages. 

Some women experiencing domestic abuse have very little access to the resources (money, accommodation, transport etc.) and support that they need to leave a relationship. For some people, it can be a choice between remaining in the relationship, going into a refuge, or making themselves homeless.  

If a survivor is isolated from the people who care about her, she may feel that she has nowhere to go, no way of getting away, no access to money, and no idea where to go for support (including support from professionals).  

There are lots of ways that you can offer practical support, but survivors often do not know that people are willing to help in this way, or they feel embarrassed about asking for practical help. 

Letting the person know that you can help practically, either now, or in the future, can reassure them. You do not have to talk about the abuse itself to let the person know the practical things that you are willing and able to help with. 

For example:

• You know that if you ever need a bit of time to yourself, you can come and stay with me, don’t you?
• I’d always be willing to have the kids for a few hours if you need to go to any appointments, or sort anything out
• If you ever want to get some advice/open a bank account/find out what your rights are, I’d be more than happy to come with you, if that would be helpful

By offering practical help, even if the time is not right at the moment for the survivor to end the relationship, she will know that support is there.