They’ve told me what’s happening
They’ve told me what’s happening, what should I do now?
Your friend, family member, neighbour, or colleague may decide to tell you about the abuse they are experiencing.
If a survivor does talk about what is happening, it is really important to listen. Listening well to someone, particularly if they are going through a difficult experience, can be really helpful for them.
Most people feel that they are good listeners but actually, listening well to someone who is going through a tough time, can be difficult to do, especially if they are someone you care about. Your concern, worry, love, and care for the person means that you are not listening as someone separate from the situation, but as someone who is connected with it, with all your own thoughts and feelings about it.
Listening well
If a survivor starts talking about their experiences or relationship, try to listen with an open mind, and a supportive attitude, even if you do not agree with everything the person is saying. It is also important to be patient, so try not to jump in if there is a silence, and let the person take their time to talk. Some experiences cannot be talked about quickly; it may be difficult to find the words, or to find the courage. Making eye contact and having an open body posture (facing the person, without crossed arms, and not fidgeting, or getting distracted) can also be really helpful, because these things let the person know that you are really interested, and that you are concentrating on what they are saying. There are some things to avoid doing that might make a survivor feel they can’t talk to you:- Talking too much yourself – listening well means that the other person will talk more than you do. And, whilst it is OK to gently ask questions, from time to time, to check that you have understood what they are saying, it is not helpful to keep interrupting them. It is better to let the person speak freely without interruption, saving your questions for a natural gap in the conversation
- Turning detective – trying to investigate or probe for more detail than you actually need to know, or than the person is comfortable to share. It is important that the person shares only the information that they want to. If you push a survivor to share more than they feel comfortable with, this may make them feel very vulnerable and exposed. When it is not your relationship, it can be easy to fall into the trap of offering too much advice, and too many opinions, which are often simplistic, and do not consider how the other person thinks and feels about what is happening. Being given too many opinions can make things more confusing, and a survivor may feel that you will be cross with them if they do not follow your advice. It can be hard to wait until the person asks you what you think, or for your advice, but it is much more helpful to do this
- Being critical, judging, or blaming – if someone starts talking about what is happening in their relationship, the last thing they want is to feel blamed, criticised, or judged for the abuse they are experiencing. You may not agree with some of their decisions or choices, but if you say this to them, especially if you say it in a strong way, it is likely to affect how they can relate to you. In some situations, it can also be unhelpful to criticise the abuser, and their behaviour, when you are talking to someone who is experiencing domestic abuse – the survivor may decide to stay in the relationship or return to the relationship, and the things you have said about the abuser may create tension between you.
Responding well
Once you start a conversation about what is happening by asking gentle questions, and listening well to what the person says, the next thing you can do, is respond well. How you respond can make the difference between the person continuing to seek help, and the person feeling that they cannot talk about their experiences or seek support. Responding well to someone who is experiencing domestic abuse is a mixture of saying helpful things and doing helpful things to support them.
“I wasn’t giving her the space to have agency in the situation. Especially when he already had so much control over her, to try and have any kind of control over that situation is just disempowering for her. I could have been so much more supportive, had I known more, had I have been a little bit older or learned some of the things that I know now.
“I could have given her a space to work through her own feelings, and what she wanted to do, and what she was struggling with, and what she actually needed, and made it less about me and my opinion on the situation, and more about her safety and what she needed.”
(Friend of a survivor)
We know that responding well is not always easy, especially if you are caught off-guard by the information someone shares, or if you have strong thoughts or feelings about what they say. It is OK to be honest with the person about this, and to let them know that you want to help, but that you are worried that you might ‘get it wrong‘. This creates an opportunity for an honest and open conversation, where the survivor can let you know whether what you say is helpful or unhelpful.
Some friends, family members, neighbours, and colleagues tell us that, for them, responding well means putting to one side their own opinions, judgements, and feelings for a time, so that their reaction is not clouded with these. This does not mean that you need to stay silent. It is about moving your response away from your own thoughts, feelings, and needs, towards the other person – helping the survivor to consider what they think, how they feel, what they need, and want they want to do
Some of the really important messages to communicate:
- You matter
- I believe you
- It is not your fault that the abuse is happening
- I am concerned and worried about you
- I want to help
- You can talk to me again if you want to
You really don’t need to have all the answers to respond well – if you focus on the needs of the other person, and respond with kindness, you will help them to talk about what is happening, and this will break some of the silence, stigma, and shame around the abuse.
As well as giving these important messages to a survivor, another way to respond well is to encourage and empower them to make their own decisions and choices. Because of the tactics used by abusers, survivors often doubt themselves, doubt their gut reactions, and doubt their ability to make good decisions and choices. Supporting a survivor of domestic abuse to make their own decisions and choices can be very freeing for the person – it can help them to recover their self-esteem, their sense of self-worth, their confidence, and their power and agency.
The person you are supporting may want to work out how they think and feel, and what they want to do, by talking about the options out loud. Encouraging them to do this, so they can make their own choices will help them to trust their own judgements.
If a survivor wants your help to work out how they think and feel, and what they want to do, you can support them by asking open questions – these are questions which do not have a simple ‘yes‘ or ‘no‘ answer, and which do not steer the person towards a particular answer or response. Often these questions start with ‘What‘, ‘How‘, ‘When‘, ‘Who‘, and sometimes ‘Why‘. Using these types of question will empower the survivor, because you are not telling them what to think or feel, or what to do, you are supporting them to decide for themselves. Below are some examples of open questions you could ask:
- What are your thoughts about your relationship?
- What do you like or dislike about the relationship?
- What do you think the different options are?
- What are the pros and cons of each option?
- Is there anything you’d like to do at the moment?
- Is there anything you’d like me to help you with?
Because you care about your friend, family member, neighbour, or colleague, and you want to see the situation resolved, you may feel that you want to take control and ‘sort it all out‘. You may have thoughts about rescuing them, challenging the abuser, or trying to make the relationship end. Friends, family members, neighbours, and colleagues tell us how uncomfortable it is when a survivor is not making the choices and decisions that they want her to. It is not unusual to have these feelings, and it can be difficult to accept that the situation is not within your control.
We know from speaking to both survivors of domestic abuse, and to people providing professional and informal support, that if other people try to ‘fix’ the situation, it can make things worse, and sometimes more dangerous. Only a survivor can decide whether they want to, or feel able to, leave or end a relationship.
If friends, family members, neighbours, or colleagues try to take over and make decisions for a survivor, their behaviour can feel similar to that of an abuser – even though this is not their intention. The person they are trying to help may distance themselves from other people, which puts them in a more vulnerable position. Also, if someone confronts or challenges the abuser, or lets them know that they know what is happening, the abuser may stop the survivor from seeing other people, or may ‘punish’ the survivor with more abuse.
If someone has told you about the domestic abuse they are experiencing, you may wonder what will happen next. We know that there can be quite a long time (months and sometimes years) between a survivor first disclosing abuse, and them leaving the relationship forever. Elsewhere, we give some tips and suggestions about how to continue offering support over time, but one of the things which is really important is to keep ‘the channels of communication open‘. What we mean by this, is staying in touch with the person, letting them know that you care, and from time to time asking some gentle questions.
This does not mean asking the survivor about the abuse every time you see them. In fact, this may make the person feel uncomfortable, and even stop talking to you, or seeing you. Instead, find ways to let the person know that they can always talk to you about what is happening, if they want to.
“I couldn’t go in there and rescue my sister, because it doesn’t work. But what I always said was, “I’m keeping the door open for you, and you can call me at any time. If you need me to come to you, I’ll come to you. If you want to come and stay with me for a while, you can have some respite here. So, it was just kind of keeping that door open, until the time that my sister was ready.”
(Sister of a survivor)
Doing helpful things
As well as saying helpful things, there are also helpful things you can do. These include giving them options to access professional specialist help and support, keeping a record or log about what is happening, helping the person to think about safety, and offering practical help:
Friends, family members, neighbours, and colleagues of survivors can feel very alone and very responsible as they try to help. Connecting a survivor to professionals, who can offer specialist help and expertise, is a really good thing for both the survivor, and for you – so that you share the responsibility.
The person you are supporting may not be ready to speak to anyone else about what is happening, particularly professionals. However, this does not need to stop you from finding out about the different types of help and support available, or contacting some of the specialist organisations to find out more about what they can offer.
Getting advice from these organisations will help you to understand how you can support a survivor and will also help you to know the support options available. It is really useful to be able to share this information with the survivor when they are ready to reach out for help.
You can contact many of the specialist organisations anonymously. In other words, you can ask for advice about the situation without needing to tell them who you are, or who the survivor is.
Some friends, family members, neighbours, and colleagues of survivors tell us that, although they did not think about it at the time, they wish they had kept a record or a log of what was happening. A log can be useful in two ways: (1) when a survivor doubts herself and her recollection of incidents or events, a record or log can reassure her that her memories are true, that she is not misinterpreting what happened, and that she is not confused or misremembering (2) a record of events might be helpful if the situation results in legal proceedings (if crimes are committed, if an injunction is needed, or as part of the processes of separation and child custody arrangements).
If you decide to keep a record or a log, make sure it is stored somewhere that is safe and secure, where others will not find it. As well as writing information down, you may decide, if the survivor agrees, to take photos of any injuries or property damage.
We cannot say for sure that keeping a record or a log will always be helpful to a survivor, or that it will be acceptable as evidence in court, but even if it cannot be used in these ways, you may find it useful yourself, to help you to remember exactly what happened.
Suggested details to record
- Dates and times of incidents or events
- How you know the information (whether you saw the incident, or whether someone told you about it)
- Any details about what happened (include specific information where possible, for example, any injuries, actions, or particular words used)
- Whether anyone else witnessed the incident, or the impacts of the incident
- Whether any professionals were involved (for example healthcare staff, police, or social workers)
- Whether any children were present and/or impacted
Domestic abuse is dangerous, so it is really important to think about the safety of the people involved in the situation (the survivor, any children, and those trying to help – including you). People who are experiencing domestic abuse often have strategies in place to try to reduce the risk of harm. These strategies may not make sense to people outside of the situation, but we know from speaking with survivors, that many people try to anticipate when the situation is about to become dangerous and take action to keep themselves safer.
If the person is still in the relationship, it is OK to let them know that you are concerned about their safety (and the safety and impact on their children), and to give them space to talk about what they are doing to stay safe. Try not to criticise the strategies a survivor has in place, and instead encourage them to seek professional support for safety advice.
If a person has decided to leave or to end the relationship, it is important to help them think about how to do this safely, including how to remain safe afterwards. The end of a relationship with an abuser is often a dangerous time, and can increase the risk that the person will be harmed.
Please do not feel that you have to take on all the responsibility for keeping a survivor safe. Specialist organisations and professionals for survivors of domestic abuse can provide support to create safety plans, both for reducing the risk of harm within the relationship, and for leaving the relationship. It is a good idea to get in touch with these organisations and to share their contact details with the survivor.
As well as professional support, if it is safe and appropriate to do so, there are some general tips that you can share with your friend, family member, neighbour, or colleague, especially if they are still in the relationship:
Safety Tips
- Encourage the person to pack an emergency bag and to hide this in a safe place (for example, at your house, their workplace, or the gym) in case they need to leave their house quickly. If it is difficult to bring a whole bag at once, they could bring one item at a time from their house, over a period of time. Useful things to put in an emergency bag include: important documents for the survivor and for any children (for example, passports and birth certificates), spare keys to their home or car, money or bank cards, medicines, some clothes, and a few of the children’s favourite toys or books. It is really helpful for people to be able to just leave if they need to immediately, without having to try to find important things
- Help them to work out a plan for leaving, including: who they can call, where they can go, and how they will get there. It can be really difficult to think about these things quickly, so helping the person to plan in advance can be useful
- Agree a codeword with the person, so that they can let you know if they are in danger or upset. Also, agree a plan about what you will do if they use the codeword. For example, Will you go to their house? Will you call the police? Or, Will you call someone else for them?
- If they have left the relationship, the person may need to change their contact details (address, phone number, email address etc.). They will also need to think carefully about who to share their new contact details with. Some of the people they know will also know the abuser, and may not keep the new contact details secret
It is also important to remember that you may be at risk of harm (including direct threats, violence, and abuse), particularly if the abuser thinks that you know what is happening, or that you are helping the survivor. If possible, do not share your contact details with the abuser, and try not to be alone with the abuser.
The risk of harm to you is most likely if you are helping with child contact arrangements. If your friend or family member need support around child contact and family courts, the Coram Children’s Legal Centre can give legal advice around child contact and provide free resources with information on child and family law. Rights of Women publish online guides on domestic abuse and family court, and they have advice lines focused on family law.
There are lots of ways that you can offer practical help and support to someone who has experienced domestic abuse. Survivors tell us that the practical support they receive is really important. One of the reasons why people stay in a relationship where abuse is taking place, is because they do not know how they will manage practically (without money, accommodation, transport, and childcare) if they leave. Letting the person know that you can help practically, either now, or in the future, can reassure them. These are some examples of practical help you may be able to offer:
Practical Help
- Contact support organisations or specialist helplines for the survivor, or share useful resources with them. You can contact many of these specialist organisations anonymously. In other words, you can ask for advice about the situation without having to tell them who you are, or who the survivor is. You can also let the survivor use your phone, or your computer, to contact these organisations, or to search for information.
- Offer the survivor transport to appointments and go with them if they want you to. Some survivors find it helpful to have another person with them when they talk to professionals, not only for emotional support, but also to help them remember what the professional said.
- Share information about practical support like the Flexible Fund which provides one-off payments to survivors.
- Help the person to move to somewhere safe. For example, help them to find a place to rent, or to share information about how to find a refuge space (you will not be able to arrange a refuge space on their behalf, this needs to be led by the survivor). Help them to move their belongings, and to go to their new accommodation. Tell them about schemes like Travel to Refuge which provides free coach and train travel to refuge.
- Look after their children or pets so that the survivor has time to think, to plan, to attend appointments, and to receive support.
- Let the person stay in your home for a short time. This may not always be possible (or even safe, if the abuser knows where you live). If you are able to let your friend, family member, neighbour, or colleague stay for a short time, or in an emergency, this will give them space and opportunity to work out what to do, and where to go next.
These examples of practical help are some of the common things that friends, family members, neighbours, and colleagues do. It’s really positive to be able to offer practical support, while making sure you let them lead on what they need. It’s completely understandable to want to do as much as you can to help, but it’s important to not take over. If you are not sure what support the survivor needs, just ask them.
Coping with what you have seen and heard
Friends, family members, neighbours, and colleagues tell us that some of the things that survivors speak to them about, are difficult or upsetting to hear. In particular, descriptions of abuse can be uncomfortable, distressing, or worrying to hear, and may impact people emotionally. It is hard to forget something upsetting that you have heard, so it is important to spend some time thinking about the overall impact of the situation on you, and to find ways to look after yourself.
One particular challenge that people describe, is knowing how to act around the abuser once they know for certain that someone they care about is experiencing abuse. People describe the tension they feel; wanting to challenge and confront the abuser, and defend the survivor, but having to pretend that they know little/nothing about the abuse. This is really hard to deal with, and there are no easy answers. Some people try to see the survivor alone, and avoid the abuser, if possible; other people have little contact with the abuser, ‘put up a front‘ when they see them, and pretend they know nothing about what is happening. Both these solutions allow friends, family members, neighbours, and colleagues to stay in touch with survivors, without putting anyone in more danger. Remember to think about the impact of this on you, and about ways to make sure you are OK.
