They’ve decided to leave, how can I help?
Choosing to end a relationship with an abuser is an extremely difficult decision, and it may take a survivor time to decide whether to leave, and to think about how to do this safely.
The person may decide to stay in the relationship longer than you want them to, or you may find yourself offering help and support over a period of time. However, there are useful things that you can do before someone leaves a relationship, when they end the relationship, or after they have left.
They have decided they want to end the relationship, how can I help them to get ready?
First of all, it is important to remember that it may take someone more than one attempt to leave or end a relationship while experiencing abuse. You may find it helpful to read about some of the common reasons why people stay in relationships when abuse is taking place, so that you understand some of the barriers and challenges that your friend, family member, neighbour, or colleague may face.
Even if the person does leave or end the relationship more than once, your support on previous occasions will give the person confidence that they can rely on you to help.
Once a survivor has made a decision to end the relationship, it is really important for them to know that you are there for them; ready to offer help and support.
Friends, family members, neighbours, and colleagues have told us that sometimes, just before the end of the relationship, they noticed that the domestic abuse escalated (became worse or happened more often), or that it changed. For example, the birth of a child, children leaving home, or the survivor starting a new course or job.
As part of supporting a survivor over time, it can be helpful to talk with the person about any plans they may have for leaving or ending the relationship. Domestic abuse is dangerous and, unfortunately, ending a relationship with an abuser does not always stop the abuse, or reduce the level of danger. In fact, the risk often increases, which makes leaving a relationship a particularly dangerous time.
It is really important to think about the safety of everyone involved in the situation (the survivor, any children, and those trying to help – including you). Careful planning is needed, and one of the most helpful things that you can do is put the survivor in touch with specialist organisations and services. The staff in these organisations are experts in providing support to people who are thinking about leaving or ending a relationship with an abuser. There is also lots of information about safety planning in our Survivor’s Handbook.
Triggers to leaving or ending a relationship
Many survivors have told us that there were particular ‘triggers’ which made them leave or end a relationship with an abuser. Every situation is different, but these are some of the common reasons why the relationship ended:
- A very violent physical or sexual assault by the abuser
- The abuser involving children in the abuse, children experiencing abuse themselves (indirectly or directly) or threats of abuse made against them
- A feeling that the danger is increasing (including when threats to harm become worse or happen more often)
- A sudden understanding that what they are experiencing in the relationship is abuse – that it is not OK, that they don’t deserve it, and that they don’t have to put up with it.
- Unfaithfulness by the abusive partner – this can sometimes act as validation to leave.
- Opportunity – for example, the abuser being away from the home, or the survivor being able to secretly reach out for help whilst at work or at a friend’s house
- Intervention or support by professional agencies – for example, police, social services, specialist domestic abuse organisations, or healthcare workers.
They are ending the relationship, how can I help?
Sometimes survivors of domestic abuse are able to leave or end a relationship in a planned way. Other times, even with planning, women need to leave very suddenly, with almost nothing – no spare clothes, belongings, or money.
If the person has the opportunity to plan, they may be able to arrange accommodation (temporary or longer term), buy furniture, change the children’s schools, save some money, or set up new bank accounts, before leaving or ending the relationship.
You can support them with all of these activities, for example, by letting them use your phone or computer to access support and information, getting their post sent to your address (if this is appropriate), going with them to appointments, helping them to fill out forms, and helping them to transport furniture etc.
Specialist organisations and professionals can help the person to think through their options as they end the relationship, and you can support them too, as they think about the details. For example:
- which day and time it would be safest/best/easiest to leave
- where will they go when they leave, and longer term
- how they will get there
- who they will tell and when (and who they will not tell, because the information might get back to the abuser)
- how to make sure any children are safe
- what practical help and support they will need from other people
If the person has to leave suddenly or quickly, they may have nowhere to go immediately, limited options, and few or no belongings. Specialist organisations and professionals, in particular the freephone, 24-hour National Domestic Abuse Helpline can provide quick advice in this situation, including information about emergency or temporary accommodation (for example, spaces in women’s refuges).
There is also lots of information about refuges (for example, what a refuge is, who can stay in a refuge, how to access a space in a refuge) in our Survivor’s Handbook . It may be helpful for you (and the survivor, if she is able) to look at this information, in advance, so that you both have an idea about what to expect. There are also community-based services that may be able to support the survivor, including outreach, floating support, resettlement support, specialist services for children and young people, and drop-in support.
Or, instead, you may decide to let the person stay for a few nights at your home, so that they can sort things out. Only do this if you are sure that both you and the survivor are safe. If the abuser knows where you live, they may come to your address looking for your friend, family member, neighbour, or colleague, so this may not be the safest option.
Your support may also be needed by the survivor to find out her legal options (about the crimes committed against her, about protection, about separation and divorce, and about child custody).
There is information about survivors’ legal rights in our Survivor’s Handbook, and there are specialist organisations you can contact which provide more detailed confidential legal advice about domestic abuse.
Domestic abuse is about control, and when a survivor ends a relationship, it is common for an abuser to try to regain control. They may do this by saying, ‘sorry’ a lot, or by saying that their behaviour will be different in the future, or by using gifts, kindness, and loving words, or gestures towards the survivor, to try to persuade the person to return.
Some abusers say that they will harm or kill themselves in order to get the survivor to ‘save them‘ by returning to the relationship – this is a form of emotional blackmail.
The abuser may also make threats towards the survivor, or the people (and pets) she cares about, in order to make her feel scared and unsure about her decision to leave, making her feel that she might be safer continuing with the relationship.
The abusive behaviours may get worse, with the abuser ‘punishing‘ the survivor from a distance, for example, telling lies or making false accusations about the survivor to their colleagues, relatives, friends, or social services, building up debts in the survivor’s name, or sharing intimate images without consent.
We don’t want to frighten or overwhelm you, but it is important that you understand how dangerous domestic abuse is and that, often, the risk of abuse increases when a survivor ends the relationship. This is a really important time for both you and the survivor to have support around you.
They have ended the relationship, how can I help?
When we speak to survivors of domestic abuse, they tell us that once the relationship has ended, their friends, family members, neighbours, and colleagues often feel very relieved that the abuse has ended and are keen to ‘get back to normal‘. But this can be very difficult for survivors.
The first reason why this can be hard, is because the abuse may not have ended, may have changed, or may have increased. This is especially true when the survivor has to have ongoing contact with the abuser, for example, through legal and court processes, with joint child custody, to sort out finances or assets, or if they live or work in the same area.
A survivor may particularly need support if they have to leave without their children. There are many reasons why someone may have to take this step, for example, she may believe she can’t take the children away from their other parent, their school, or their home.
One of the most useful things you can do, once the relationship has ended, is to continue offering help and support. It’s important to keep noticing, learning, gently asking, listening, responding, signposting, recording, thinking about safety, and offering practical help over time.
Another reason why some survivors may struggle to ‘move on‘ in the way that friends, family members, neighbours, and colleagues want them to, is because they still love, care about, or miss the abuser. Many survivors have told us that the love they felt for the abusive person did not just disappear because they had ended the relationship.
The stigma about feelings of love and care for someone who has been abusive can be very silencing. So, giving a survivor the opportunity to voice their conflicting feelings (for example, loving and hating the abuser at the same time) can be very powerful. For this to happen, a survivor needs to really trust the person they tell, and to not feel judged or criticised.
The survivor may feel that they can talk to you about this, so listening and responding well are important, but try not to feel annoyed or offended if the person would rather talk to somebody independent, like a counsellor, for emotional support – some things are just hard to talk about freely with someone who knows you.
Understandably, friends, family members, neighbours, and colleagues who have been offering support, particularly if the situation has been complex or has happened over a long time, are keen to try to forget what has happened, recover, and continue living. We know that this is not easy, and that trying to help in situations of domestic abuse often takes a toll on people. But the impacts of domestic abuse, on survivors and on their children, may last for months, years, or throughout their lives.
Of course, many survivors do recover, thrive, and flourish, and by continuing to give help and support over time, you can be a really important part of this recovery. If you look after yourself, you will be in a better position to help someone who is experiencing domestic abuse.
