Why haven’t they told me?

People who are experiencing harmful behaviours from a partner or family member may not think of their experiences as domestic abuse. For some people, this can be because they have had previous relationships which have also been abusive, or because they have seen similar behaviours in the relationships around them, either as a child or as an adult. If this is the case, they may think that the abuse they are experiencing is a normal part of any relationship.  

Another reason why survivors do not always think of their experiences as abuse, is because some abusers alternate between behaving well and behaving badly – this can trap a survivor into doubting themselves, worrying it’s in their head, thinking that the person really does care about them, or that the person will eventually change. This can make it hard for a survivor to recognise the relationship as abusive.

“He said he won’t do it again and that he loves me. I think he does, it’s just the drink that makes him nasty…”

(Survivor)

Also, abusers often blame survivors and tell them that the abuse is their fault. And sometimes an abuser will tell the person that the abuse is for the survivor’s own benefit or protection. If these lies and blaming happen over a long period, it can be really hard for a survivor to trust their own sense of what is happening. Again, this makes it difficult for them to recognise that they are experiencing domestic abuse.

Even if the person has recognised that they are experiencing domestic abuse, they may be worried about telling people, even people who care about them. Some of the common reasons for this are: 

Fear about what will happen if she tells people 

The abuser may have threatened to harm the person, or other people, if they tell anyone about what is happening. It is common for abusers to threaten to kill, injure, or hurt survivors, or to damage their property, or share intimate images of them. It is also common for abusers to make threats about harming children, friends, family members, neighbours, colleagues, and pets. They may tell the survivor that she could lose her children through family courts or social services. Abusers will often utilise a survivor’s insecure immigration status against them, telling them they’ll be deported, or no-one will believe them. An abuser might threaten to “out” an LGBTQ+ survivor, or withhold medication or care from a disabled survivor.  

These threats can be very scary for people experiencing abuse, because they are often aware of the violence and abuse the person is capable of. Fear for safety is one of the main reasons why people stay in a relationship while experiencing abuse. 

Not wanting to worry other people or get them involved 

Some of the survivors we speak to, do not tell the people close to them about what is happening, because they do not want them to be anxious or worried.  

Embarrassment or shame about experiencing domestic abuse 

Many survivors feel embarrassed or ashamed that they have experienced domestic abuse. In spite of the changes in societal views about domestic abuse over the years, there is still a great deal of stigma and shame which remain.  A survivor may also be concerned that people’s opinions of them will change, and that they will be treated differently, if people know what has happened.  

Shame and stigma are also a key part of “honour”-based abuse, where there can be significant consequences if a family believes someone to be bringing dishonour or shame. Survivors may be shamed to maintain control and prevent them speaking out. You can learn more about “honour”-based abuse and how to support someone on Karma Nirvana’s website. You can call their helpline for emotional support and expert guidance to help you understand if someone you know may be experiencing this.

Worry about people’s reactions 

It can be difficult for a survivor to know how other people will react if they tell them about the abuse. It is common for an abuser to tell a survivor that no one will believe them, and the survivor may think that this is true. They may also worry that you will be cross with them for ‘putting up‘ with the abuse, or that you will try to take over and make decisions for them. 

Many survivors are also concerned that if they tell someone who cares about them, that this person will challenge or confront the abuser; harming the abuser, themselves, or making things worse for the survivor. 

Even at the point where someone realises that they are experiencing domestic abuse, they may not be ready to take action. Some of the common reasons for this are: 

Love for the person who is being abusive 

Love is one of the hardest reasons for people outside of the relationship to understand. But survivors tell us that the love they felt for the abusive person does not just disappear because of the abuse. Many survivors are not ready to make changes in their relationship, because they hope that the abuser will change or that the situation will get better. 

Feeling that they do not deserve to be treated well 

After experiencing abuse for some time, a survivor’s self-esteem and sense of self-worth can become so low that they do not feel that they deserve to be treated well. Some survivors are also worried about what they will lose by making changes, particularly if they feel that this is their only chance for a relationship or for a family.  

Feeling scared about making changes 

Making changes can be scary for lots of reasons. A survivor may be scared about how the abuser will react, and what they might do; scared about what other people might think; and also scared about what any changes will mean practically. For example, making the choice to leave or to end a relationship where abuse is taking place might mean: leaving home, going into a refuge, changing location, moving children to new schools, changing jobs, and coping with the costs of fleeing. These are big changes, which are difficult to make, especially if the abuse has reduced the survivor’s self-esteem, confidence, and independence. Often this is after many years of isolation and economic abuse where an abuser might have prevented a survivor from working, controlled their bank account, and gotten them into debt. In our 2022 survey, two thirds of survivors (67%) told us they could not get £500 together if they needed to. 

Trying to get the timing right 

Sometimes there is a trigger to leaving or ending a relationship with an abuser; when the person who is experiencing abuse decides to take immediate action. But it does not always happen like this. Sometimes people realise that they are experiencing abuse, and decide that they want to make changes, but plan to take action in more gradual ways.