How can I help over time?

In lots of ways, offering help over time is about doing the same things you have already been doing – noticing, learning about domestic abuse, asking gentle questions, listening well, responding well, signposting, recording, thinking about safety, and offering practical help – long term. This does need patience and perseverance, but survivors of domestic abuse have told us that it was really helpful when a person close to them ‘stuck around‘  and continued to be kind and supportive. 

Showing that you care, and are interested in the person, is often about asking very open and general supportive questions, for example: 

• How are you doing at the moment? 
• You don’t seem yourself, are you alright? 
• Is there anything I can do to help? 

You do not necessarily need to ask or talk about the abuse, or about the relationship, all of the time. In fact, if the person is hiding the abuse, or does not recognise the behaviours as harmful or abusive, they may struggle to connect with you, if that is all you ask and talk about. 

Survivors have told us about the value of regular interactions with the people they know. For example, going out for a coffee and chatting about usual things, or doing an activity (walking, swimming, knitting, rock climbing…) together. These everyday contacts can help someone to see a life beyond the abuse they are experiencing, to develop trust in the people who might help them, and to increase their confidence and self-esteem. 

Even if you do not live near to the person you are supporting, or if their freedom to leave the house is limited by the abuser, you may still be able to stay in touch and to connect. Sometimes an abuser may monitor someone’s devices or accounts but you could ask what they need and which platforms are best/safest. 

It is important to remember that staying in touch in these ways may not be possible, or even safe, for a survivor. If the person seems unwilling to be in touch, they may still want to see you or to speak to you, but it may be difficult or dangerous for them to do so. Friends, family members, neighbours, and colleagues tell us about the ‘creative‘ ways they have found to stay in touch, and to be aware of what is happening. For example, sometimes people look at a survivor’s social media account (e.g., Facebook, Twitter, Instagram) to check whether she is posting anything, and to see if the posts give any information about how she is doing. 

Some people stay in touch through another person (for example, if the abuser will not let the survivor see you, but will let them see someone else that you know and trust). And sometimes, people use events and opportunities, like birthdays, to be in touch in a very general way. This type of contact lets the survivor know that you care, and that you are still there for them, without letting the abuser know that you are worried about what is happening in the relationship. 

It is about balance in your communication, because not talking about what is happening, and about your concerns, can also be unhelpful. So, a mix of asking gentle questions about how the person is doing, and whether there is anything you can do to support them, and also generally staying in touch, so the person knows you are there for them. 

Sometimes survivors leave or end a relationship with an abuser because things get worse, are harder to deal with, or because of a particular event or ‘trigger’. People are also more likely to leave if they are sure they will get support from other people, especially the people around them. Offering help and support, kindness and care, in a reliable way, will help the person to trust you, and to accept your offer of support when they are ready. 

One of the questions that we are asked is how to help a survivor recover from the impacts of their experiences. Experiencing domestic abuse can affect all parts of someone’s life, including impacts on their physical health, emotional and mental health, relationships, and finances. Domestic abuse can also cause post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) – high levels of anxiety caused by very traumatic events. Children and teenagers can also experience a range of impacts. 

The effects of domestic abuse, on survivors, can last for a few months, a few years, or may continue throughout their lives. This includes both adults and children; children are legally acknowledged as survivors in their own right. Children can experience abuse and be affected by it in a number of ways. You can learn more about this in The Survivor’s Handbook. But many survivors do recover, thrive, and flourish, even when some of the impacts continue for quite a long time. The help and support that you give, over time, can be a really important part of this recovery. 

Two helpful things you can do to support someone as they recover after domestic abuse, are: (1) continue to be there for the person, offering kindness and care, and (2) signpost them to organisations that can support them. Sometimes it can be helpful for the support to come from someone independent, who is not connected with the situation, or from an organisation that specialises in offering this kind of expert emotional support. You can learn more about accessing support after leaving in The Survivor’s Handbook. They may find it helpful to have a look at Bloom. They have free online courses that cover topics such as recovering from abuse and healing from sexual trauma. These can be completed in the survivor’s own time and pace. 

They can also join Survivors’ Forum to connect with other survivors to share experiences and support one another. 

What you can do is continue to listen well and respond well, and also look after yourself. Listening over a long period of time can be hard, and you may need some support yourself to deal with all that you have heard. 

Some people worry that continuing to talk about the domestic abuse, once the person is safe, may be unhelpful, because they think it will remind the survivor about their past experiences. Everyone is different, and each person copes in different ways at different times. Our advice is to be honest with the survivor, and to let her know that you are not sure what would be most helpful. Let her know that the control is hers – agree that if you start talking together about the abuse or the relationship, and she does not want to continue, that she can ask you to stop, without giving a reason, and that you will stop. 

Domestic abuse also effects people’s self-esteem, and their sense of self-worth, so anything you can say or do to help rebuild these will be helpful. For example, telling the person what you like about them, or giving them a compliment about something they have done. Sometimes doing a new activity, especially if you do it together, can also help to increase the person’s confidence in their own abilities. 

Friends, family members, neighbours, and colleagues often tell us that they feel a great responsibility to ‘get it right‘ as they try to help, particularly if the abuse, or the impacts of the abuse, continue over a long time. Even with the best intentions, you may not always say or do the right thing. However, if you ‘stick around‘, offer kindness and care, ask and listen to the survivor about what she wants and needs, and look after yourself, you will be a really useful support. 

If you look after yourself, you will be in a better position to help someone who is experiencing domestic abuse. 

The greatest gifts you can give a survivor (both short-term and long-term) are kindness, patience, and regular reminders that you are there for them.