Looking after yourself
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The support provided by friends, family members, neighbours, and colleagues to survivors is really valuable and can make all the difference in terms of the person’s safety and wellbeing. It is important to be aware, however, that trying to support someone who is close to you, can sometimes be hard.
It is not easy supporting someone who is experiencing domestic abuse. We know from speaking with friends, family members, neighbours, and colleagues of survivors, that being involved in the situation, or simply being aware of it, can affect how you feel, how you relate to other people, how safe you feel, and how you see the world.
When we’ve spoken to professionals who work with people experiencing domestic abuse, they have told us that their experiences of supporting a friend, family member, neighbour, or colleague have been very different than carrying out their job role. In particular, these professionals talked about how overwhelming it can be to support a person you really care about, and who you are invested in, because your life is connected with theirs.
Concern for the safety and wellbeing of the person may be your first thought each morning, it can be hard to create and enforce boundaries with people you know, you may have to tread very carefully, and your emotions and feelings about the situation may be very intense. It can also be challenging for you, as someone providing informal support, to try to access professional support for a survivor of domestic abuse.
People can also feel very alone in these experiences, like they are the only person in the world going through this. Please know that you are not on your own, it’s much more common than you think for people to be helping someone who is experiencing domestic abuse. It’s one of the main reasons why we created this handbook, so that people can feel less isolated and can learn from each other’s experiences.
It is also completely normal to feel a whole range of emotions about the situation, and it is important to take some time to think about how you are being impacted, and whether there are things you can do to help yourself remain OK.
Looking after yourself is as important as the rest of the information provided on this website, because trying to help in situations of domestic abuse often takes a toll on people.
Impact on you
How are you being impacted by the situation?
Domestic abuse has an impact on everyone connected with the situation. Whether this is the first situation of domestic abuse you have come across or not, you are likely to experience some impacts as you try to help. It can be confusing to understand what is happening, why it is happening to someone you know, and what you should say and do.
Sometimes you’ll know the abuser, as well as the survivor, and they may tell you contradictory things about what is happening in the relationship, which can add to confusion.
While speaking with friends, family members, neighbours, and colleagues of women experiencing domestic abuse, we have noticed the impact, toll, or burden, that trying to help places upon people. The impacts seem to be greater when the domestic abuse is on-going (or very recent), when the situation is very dangerous, when people are offering informal support over a long period of time, and when the survivor is someone they really love and care about.
The following are some of the main impacts that friends, family members, neighbours, and colleagues of women experiencing domestic abuse have noticed and described to us. It is completely normal to feel a whole range of different emotions about the situation. Everyone’s experience will be different.
The reason we’ve listed potential impacts is to help you think about some of the ways that you, yourself, may have been affected by the situation you’re facing, and to encourage you to actively look after yourself:
Emotional impacts
- You may feel concerned, worried, anxious, or scared for the person you know. You may also feel fearful about your own safety, particularly if the person being abusive has used intimidating or threatening behaviour towards you.
- You may feel helpless, powerless, or stuck. If the situation continues over a long period, you may begin to feel overwhelmed, burnt-out, or stressed.
- You may feel tension, or inner conflict about what to do for the best, particularly if children or dependants are involved. You may also feel a great responsibility for the survivor’s safety, for providing immediate help, and for ‘solving’ the situation.
- You may feel upset, sad, depressed, or tearful because of the situation. You may also feel quite isolated as you offer support, especially if you are the main person, or the only person, who knows about the situation, or who tries to help.
- If you have seen or heard abusive behaviours, you may feel distressed, panicky, or shocked. This can feel worse if what you have seen or heard reminds you of experiences you have had yourself.
- You may feel angry about the abuse, and because it is often unsafe to express anger towards the abusive person, this can make any on-going contact with the abuser really uncomfortable.
- You may feel frustrated about the situation, especially if it seems like other people (including professionals) are offering poor advice and support or may even be ‘making things worse’. You may also feel a sense of frustration with the survivor, especially if you are worried that their choices and decisions will expose them to further harm.
- You may feel guilt for sometimes feeling impatient with the survivor, and also blame yourself for not knowing more, or doing more to help.
- You may have trouble sleeping, or experience nightmares, which can result in feeling drained or exhausted.
- You may experience headaches, which are often a symptom of stress and tension.
- You may feel sick or ‘churned up’ inside.
- You may find that you don’t want to eat, comfort-eat, or experience some distress around eating.
“It’s made me quite ill actually. At times I felt like I was struggling to breathe, and my heart was racing all the time.”
(Father of a survivor)
“I stopped eating. My appetite just went, and I didn’t have any energy.”
(Sister of a survivor)
- You may experience reduced contact and communication with the person experiencing abuse. This relationship may become strained and, in some cases, may end. If the survivor has children, you may also have less contact with them.
- Your own relationships with friends and family members may become tense, particularly if you disagree about how best to handle the situation.
- Your trust in other people may be affected by your exposure to this situation. It may change how you feel about people in general, or about certain groups of people, for example, men.
“It was such a difficult time and it drove a massive wedge between us.”
(Mother of a survivor)
“We had very different views on how to handle things. It really soured relationships within our friendship group.”
(Friend of a survivor)
- You may experience threats from the person who is being abusive, to harm you, your property, your belongings, your pets, or the people you care about.
- The person who is being abusive may try to intimidate, belittle, harass, or manipulate you.
- You may experience physical violence from the person who is being abusive.
- It may take lots of time and energy to help a survivor. For example, helping to move, attending appointments with them, and helping to get specialist and legal support.
- You may decide to offer accommodation and childcare, which will impact on the space and free-time available to you.
- You may decide to help with money and resources, which will impact your own financial situation.
“I was trying to help her with the court case. I’m no legal expert but I was looking up stuff online for her.”
(Friend of a survivor)
“I was so worried, all the time. I felt really on edge about what was going to happen, and how long it was going to go on for.”
If you look after yourself, you will be in a better position to help someone who is experiencing domestic abuse.
Most people who are offering support to someone who is experiencing domestic abuse are quick to self-doubt and self-blame regarding their perceived limitations. Many people feel they don’t know enough, aren’t ‘getting it right’, or feel, at times, like they are failing, or have failed, in the support they have offered.
And yet, despite all the challenges, when we speak to friends, family members, neighbours, and colleagues who are offering support, we hear amazing examples of dedication, loyalty, commitment, sacrifice, determination, resourcefulness, generosity, and love. Your support really matters, so please look after yourself.
How to look after yourself
Becoming aware that domestic abuse is happening to someone you know can change how you see the world; it can challenge your views and beliefs about how people behave towards one another, and it can make you feel less safe. And people who have supported someone experiencing domestic abuse talk about how lonely and isolating an experience it can be, especially if you are the only person who knows about the situation.
The suggestions below are things that people have mentioned to us as helpful. We do not want to give the impression that by simply following these suggestions that everything will be OK. Clearly it won’t. Trying to help someone you care about, who is experiencing domestic abuse, is tricky, confusing, and often difficult.
However, taking some time for yourself, to think about how you are doing and how you are coping, and to invest in yourself, so that you remain OK, is important. This will build and support your resilience, which in turn will benefit the person you care about.
- Gently encourage the survivor to get in touch with specialist services. The people who work for these services have specialist knowledge and experience, so can provide the best help. This can take some of the pressure off you, because you won’t be the only person helping and supporting.
- Consider contacting specialist organisations on your own behalf. These organisations welcome contact from you, as someone concerned about another person; you aren’t wasting their time or using the services inappropriately. They can listen to you, provide advice, and let you know about the services and support available locally and nationally.
- If you are struggling to feel OK, you are finding things really hard, or you are feeling ‘at the end of yourself‘, do consider contacting one of the organisations providing emotional support, for example Samaritans, or have a chat with your GP. They will listen to you and can let you know about the services and support available.
- Try to take some regular ‘time out’ from the situation, so you don’t end up feeling completely overwhelmed. Domestic abuse can be incredibly intense, and while your focus and attention about what is happening may be helpful, it is also important to allow yourself a break from thinking about it. There may be times when this is completely impossible because the situation is so urgent or intense. It is important to take this ‘time out’ when you can, because it is hard for our bodies and minds to remain on high alert over a long period. You may find grounding techniques helpful to cope in moments of overwhelm.
- Try to make sure you have a calming sleep routine. Without good sleep, difficult situations can feel even worse, and people find it harder to make good decisions and choices. Our sleep patterns and routines can be affected when we have a lot on our mind. It is probably not a surprise then, that when you know someone who is experiencing domestic abuse, that your worries and anxieties about the situation affect your sleep. You can help your body, by trying to stick to a routine of going to bed and getting up at similar times, and by helping your mind and body to wind down before bed. Things that people have found helpful include having a relaxing bath, doing quieter activities, and not drinking alcohol or using screens at bedtime. You may find relaxation exercises or calming sounds helpful for getting off to sleep. Or, you can slow down your breathing using breathing exercises – for example, focus on each breath, and breathe in for 4 counts, and out for 7.
- Another way that you can manage the impact of the situation, is by expressing how you are feeling in a safe environment. Keeping things ‘bottled up’ can make people feel trapped, tense, and isolated. Finding ways to express your thoughts, concerns, and feelings may help you to feel less on your own and will provide you with space and opportunity to really think through what is happening. You could do this by writing down your thoughts and feelings in a journal, or by talking to a trusted friend (who is separate from the situation), or by talking with a professional counsellor or therapist (you can find a counsellor or therapist who is local to you through the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP) website).
- Try to look after your body and continue to be around other people. If you are struggling, you may not feel like eating or you may feel like retreating from the world, avoiding social interactions. It’s not wrong to give your full attention to what’s happening, but in order to keep yourself OK, it is important to do things which will combat some of the stress you are experiencing.
If you would like some more practical ideas, tools, and tips about how to help yourself cope with feelings of stress, anxiety, worry, distress, or low mood, take a look at the online resources provided by the NHS, Samaritans, and Mind.
“I think any third party needs support themselves, to deal with the emotional, practical side of things. And I think maybe reaching out to a professional that will be able to provide them with some information or support might be an idea, that they want to think about. But I think ultimately, as a third party, you also need to protect yourself. Because you can become so easily involved in a horrendous situation, and I think it’s important that you look after your own emotions and self-care. You know, I just think that, unless you look after yourself, it’s very difficult to look after anybody else.”
