How dangerous is domestic abuse?
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This is a difficult section to write. We do not want to frighten or overwhelm you, but we also have to be honest about how dangerous domestic abuse can be.
Domestic abuse is dangerous.
Domestic abuse can have huge impacts, and can result in serious physical harm, emotional harm, injury, and even death (by murder or suicide).
How dangerous is domestic abuse?
In the UK:
- Every five days, a woman is killed by a partner or ex-partner
- Every four days, someone dies by suicide after experiencing domestic abuse
These figures, whilst shocking, are underestimates (less than the true numbers), because they do not include deaths where domestic abuse was not known about, not understood or recognised as a contributing factor, or where the death was mistakenly recorded as ‘accidental’ or ‘unexplained’. Also, the danger and risk increase when a survivor decides to leave or end the relationship, so some of the women who die may not be in the relationship anymore.
So, you can see that both the domestic abuse itself, and the impacts that the abuse has, can lead to death for people who are being abused. Even when an abuser is using behaviours that seem less likely to cause serious harm, these behaviours can quickly increase, change, and escalate, and become very dangerous (see indicators of risk).
And, of course, as someone outside of the relationship, you may not be aware of all the forms of abuse that are happening, or how severe the domestic abuse is.
Your friend, family member, neighbour, or colleague, may understand how dangerous the situation is becoming, and may be very aware of the behaviours the abuser might use. She may take steps to ‘manage’ the increasing risk, using strategies to try to stay as safe as she can within the situation. For example, by hiding any potential weapons, or by agreeing to the abuser’s demands.
You may see a survivor taking these actions without understanding why she is doing these things, and the strategies she is using may not always make sense to you. Some of her actions may not be successful in keeping her safe, but it is important to understand that the survivor is trying to protect themselves.
I just knew when he was building up to something, an argument about something small and I could easily end up in hospital again. I’d do everything he asked and more, but it was never enough to stop it.
Some people who are experiencing domestic abuse may not realise how much danger there is. Your awareness about whether the situation is changing and escalating can be really important. It can be helpful to support the person to think through whether things are getting worse, or more dangerous, and whether there are actions they can take to protect themselves.
And, unfortunately, ending a relationship with an abuser does not necessarily end the abuse, or reduce the level of danger. In fact, often the risk increases, which means that leaving a relationship is a particularly dangerous time. Careful planning is needed, and there are things you can do to help the person to consider their safety.
Indicators of risk
Every situation of domestic abuse is different, but there are some indicators of risk – behaviours and events which may increase risk and danger. You may notice behaviours which are not in this list, but which cause you to be concerned and worried. Trust your gut – if you think things are becoming more dangerous, they probably are.
the number of telephone calls that she received on a daily basis, the number of texts. He wouldn’t leave her alone. Some of the threats that she told us about in terms of things like, “If you break up with me, I’ll kill myself. If you break up with me, my family will get you.”
He also threatened to throw acid in her face to spoil her looks and her career [in the beauty industry]. So, those types of things were very alarming to us, as a family, as a mum and dad. That’s something we’d never encountered before, so, for us, the obvious action to take was to involve the police, because I thought it was getting to a dangerous situation. Not to the level of [her] losing her life. Never in a month of Sundays did I think that, but it was at a level, I thought, we needed outside help here.
In any situation, it can be very difficult (and scary) for you to try to assess the level of danger, and to offer support, so please do not feel that you have to do this alone. Expert help is needed from specialist organisations, who can help the survivor to work out how much danger she is in, and offer advice about the steps she can take to stay as safe as possible, both within, and after ending/leaving the relationship.
As a friend, family member, neighbour, or colleague, you can also contact many of these organisations yourself to ask for support, information, and advice about how you can assist a survivor. You can contact most of these organisations anonymously, in other words, you can ask for advice about the situation without needing to tell them who you are, or who the survivor is.
Because domestic abuse often results in periods of poor mental health, suicidal thoughts, and self-harm, it can also be helpful to get in touch with some of the organisations who provide emotional support for people impacted by domestic abuse. A survivor may feel worse, rather than better, at the point when they end or leave a relationship, or for a period of time afterwards, so it is important that they get professional help and support.
The following list are behaviours or events which we know are associated with an increased risk of harm. In other words, they may mean that the domestic abuse is getting worse and becoming more dangerous. This is particularly true if the behaviours happen more often, are more severe, or if you notice that lots of them are happening:
- The survivor makes the decision to leave or does leave the relationship or the home. Or the survivor starts a new relationship.
- The survivor or her children are scared that they will be hurt and tell you that things have become worse.
- You find out that the person who is being abusive has a criminal record for violence or has been violent or abusive before to partners or family members.
- The person who is being abusive increases their controlling, stalking, and monitoring behaviours. They may also become less predictable, so that it is difficult to know how they will behave, or what they will do next.
- Physical or sexual violence starts, increases, escalates (becomes worse or happens more often), or takes on new forms, for example strangulation, or use of weapons.
- The person who is being abusive threatens suicide or makes threats to seriously harm or kill the survivor, her children, her family and friends, or any pets.
- The abuser starts to destroy the possessions and property of the survivor, her children, and other people connected with the situation.
- The abuser starts, increases, or escalates (becomes worse or happens more often) their abuse of, or cruelty towards, children and pets.
- The survivor becomes more and more isolated from you, and from other people close to them.
- There is conflict about child access arrangements, or the abuser is using these contacts to further abuse and control.
- The abuser’s jealousy increases, and they accuse their partner of (imagined) affairs.
- The physical or mental health of the abuser and/or the survivor get worse. The abuser and/or the survivor increase their use of alcohol or drugs.
- Life events such as pregnancy, retirement, redundancy, financial problems, or moving house.
- The abuser starts to make plans to seriously harm or kill the survivor, including searching the internet for ways to do this. They may also start telling other people about their plan.
- The abuser starts to use, or to gather, objects, weapons, or tools to harm, incapacitate (stop or disable), or kill the survivor.
Remember in an emergency situation you should always call 999 for the Police. If you cannot talk, you will be asked to press 55 to be put through.
Use 999 BSL for a British Sign Language interpreter to connect you to emergency services.
If you are a friend, family member, neighbour, or colleague of someone who has died as a result of domestic abuse (either by murder or suicide), help is available through a UK-based specialist organisation called Advocacy After Fatal Domestic Abuse (AAFDA). They can provide listening support (including peer support), advice and information, support in meetings with agencies (such as police and local authorities), practical help, and support with domestic homicide reviews, inquests, and mental health reviews.
