Every situation is unique, but there are some common factors in relationships that might mean that it is unhealthy and even abusive. Just thinking about these red-flag behaviours is an important first step and get some support if you’re experiencing one, or more of them in your relationship.

Here’s some red flags to look out for.

Your partner:

• Embarrasses you or puts you down.
• Controls who you see, where you go, or what you wear.
• Pressures you to have sex when you don’t want to or do things sexually that make you feel uncomfortable.
• Looks through your phone and social media.
• Takes money from you and refuses to give it back.
• Blocks you after a disagreement.
• Threatens to hurt you.
• Stops you from seeing your friends or family.
• Looks at you or acts in a way that scares you.
• Prevents you from working or attending education.
• Blames you for their actions.

For more advice on abusive behaviours, look at our guide here. We know that some of the descriptions are upsetting but try to read as many as you can. It’s important that you can spot the signs before they escalate further. 

If something doesn’t feel right in your relationship, it probably isn’t.  

Domestic abuse isn’t always physical. Coercive control is an act or a pattern of acts of assault, threats, humiliation and intimidation or other abuse that is used to harm, punish, or frighten their victim.

This controlling behaviour is designed to make a person dependent by isolating them from support, exploiting them, depriving them of independence and regulating their everyday behaviour.

We campaigned and succeeded in making coercive control a criminal offence. This has marked a huge step forward in tackling domestic abuse. But now we want to make sure that everyone understands what it is.

Coercive control creates invisible chains and a sense of fear that pervades all elements of a victim’s life. It works to limit their human rights by depriving them of their liberty and reducing their ability for action. Experts like Evan Stark liken coercive control to being taken hostage. As he says: “the victim becomes captive in an unreal world created by the abuser, entrapped in a world of confusion, contradiction and fear.”

Some common examples of coercive behaviour are:

• Isolating you from friends and family
• Depriving you of basic needs, such as food
• Monitoring your time
• Monitoring you via online communication tools or spyware
• Taking control over aspects of your everyday life, such as where you can go, who you can see, what you can wear and when you can sleep
• Depriving you access to support services, such as medical services
• Repeatedly putting you down, such as saying you’re worthless
• Humiliating, degrading or dehumanising you
• Controlling your finances
• Making threats or intimidating you

You can read more in this article we wrote for The Telegraph

You might already be familiar with ’the silent treatment’ – when someone ignores you or stops talking to you during a disagreement or argument in a relationship, but what if we were to tell you that this can be a form of abuse…

Silent treatment, the cold shoulder, freezing someone out, whatever you call it, can be used as a form of control. When someone we care about ices us out or ignores our texts or DMs and deliberately stops communicating, it can make us want to find ways to make them talk again. It can make us apologise for things we didn’t do or engage in behaviour we otherwise wouldn’t, just to get them to talk to us again.

Many relationships that begin romantically can quickly become controlling, with partners reading emails, checking texts and locations of social media posts. Research conducted by Refuge in 2021 found that 1 in 3 women in the UK have experienced online abuse (perpetrated on social media or other online platform) at some point in their lives. [1]

Online abuse can happen over long periods and escalates over time. It can include behaviours such as monitoring of social media profiles or emails, abuse over social media such as Facebook or Twitter, sharing intimate photos or videos without your consent, using GPS locators or spyware. Research by the Victim’s Commissioner (2022) found that 40% of victims of cyber stalking reported that they experienced this for more than 2 years. [2]

• Over half of respondents experienced online abuse during the first year of the pandemic, and over a quarter of respondents (28.6%) reported that their experiences of tech abuse started or escalated since March 2020. [3]
• 16% of women in refuge services had experienced surveillance/harassment online or through social media by their abuser. [4]

Conviction data for image based sexual abuse (commonly referred to as ‘revenge pornography’) show that out of the 376 prosecutions for this offence recorded in the year ending March 2019, 83% (313) were flagged as being domestic abuse-related. (ONS, 2019)

Online services and social media should be open and safe for everyone to use. We know that perpetrators of domestic abuse often use online tools to abuse their victims.

Below is information about the safety policies and processes on some of the main social media platforms that should help you stay safe online.

If you need support please visit our information and support page for access to our Live Chat, Survivors’ Forum and more. 

You can find more tips for how to delete cookies and conceal your browsing history here

[1] Refuge (2021). “Unsocial Spaces: make online spaces safer for women and girls”. Available online.

[2] Victims’ Commissioner (2022), “The Impact of Online Abuse: Hearing the Victims’ Voice”. Available online.

[3] Women’s Aid (2022). “Technology and domestic abuse: Experiences of survivors during the Covid 19 pandemic”. Available online.

[4] Women’s Aid (2023).  The Domestic Abuse Report 2023: The Annual Audit, Bristol: Women’s Aid. Available online.

We understand that LGBTQ+ survivors may experience domestic abuse differently to heterosexual survivors due to barriers in seeking help, power dynamics, and societal discrimination. We are here to provide you with information, resources, and support to help you navigate these challenging situations. 

Understanding LGBTQ+ domestic abuse
Being part of the LGBTQ+ community might mean you face different challenges than heterosexual people in relationships, Understand how LGBTQ+ people might experience abuse differently here.

Obstacles to Getting Help  
As LGBTQ+ people, seeking support when you’re going through tough times can be really hard. There are several hurdles that can make it tricky to find the help you need.

Advice  
If you are a young LGBTQ+ person facing abuse, there are resources and support available to help you. Here is some advice to help you navigate this situation.

Signposting 
Please remember, you are not alone, and there is help available. Don’t hesitate to reach out to any of these organisations for support and guidance.

Abusive and unhealthy relationships can impact us emotionally, physically, and mentally. They leave us feeling helpless, insecure, broken. Recognising the red flags can be tricky, especially if we’ve got so used to them.

These relationships can turn our social and emotional well-being upside down. Abusive partners will try to cut us off from our friends and family, leave us feeling totally alone and out of touch. They are essentially cutting us off from our support system, when it can already be hard to talk about our relationships, as we don’t want our friends and family to dislike our partners.

Isolation in an abusive relationship isn’t just about your partner outright forbidding you from seeing your friends and family. It can be much more subtle and sinister. Here are a few ways your partner might be isolating you without you even realising it.

They might get “jealous” of your friends and family and ask you to stop seeing them or to block or unfollow them to make themselves feel better. They might convince you that a friend or family member doesn’t treat you well, or like you, and pressure you to cut ties with them. They might decide they no longer want to talk to your friend or family member because of some issue, even create a conflict, making it harder for you to see that person. They might refuse to come with you, not give you a lift, or make you feel guilty for seeing them by suggesting you’re not supporting your partner if you do. Your partner might say you’re free to go out and see your friends, but when you do, they turn up or spend the entire time messaging you. They might pick a fight with you when you get home – to the point that you might feel like it’s easier to cut contact with your friends instead.

Your phone and social media are also an opportunity for an abuser, making you feel like you can’t communicate with your friends or family freely or privately. They might control your phone usage by limiting the time you can spend on it, monitoring your messages and calls, or convincing you to share your social media passwords.

Isolation is intentional. Without your support system, you might find yourself relying more on your partner for support and validation.

Analysis conducted for Refuge and the University of Warwick showed that almost a quarter (24%) of a sample of 3,500 of Refuge’s clients reported having felt suicidal, and 86% reported feeling depressed (Aitken and Munro, 2018).

Remember, your friends and family are there for you! Make sure you are reaching out for support when you need it.

You may also want to learn more in Deserve To Be Heard, a flagship campaign we launched in 2021, which aimed to raise awareness of the devastating impact of domestic abuse on the mental health of women and their children.

Alongside survivors, our federation members, parliamentary champions, and community campaigners, we have raised awareness of the devastating impact of domestic abuse on the mental health of women and children and worked to secure a more supportive policy environment and funding for essential mental health support.

We know that specialist services – particularly those led ‘by and for’ Black and minoritised women, d/Deaf and disabled women and LBT+ women – are best placed to deliver the long-term healing needed to support women through the trauma of abuse. Throughout the campaign, we highlighted the importance of dedicated funding for these specialist women’s services.

We are pleased to share some of our proudest campaign achievements with you. Read our Deserve To Be Heard impact report here.