‘Castle’ was inspired by the picture with the poem ‘The Lady of Shalott’, by Alfred Lord Tennyson. I identified with the picture, as The Lady of Shalott is trapped in a tower and I felt trapped in a tower, but for me, the tower was my own head. It’s where I went when I dissociated as a result of being on high alert and under threat of harm. It was a way of protecting myself mentally in order to survive.
My poem describes those moments of dissociation, and sees me almost looking down on myself and observing myself in the physical world. I could never control this coping mechanism, it would just happen in a heartbeat; but then I would also leave this coping strategy and be back in the real world in a heartbeat and again not under my control. Nothing was under my control.
Castle
Inside my castle, the windows locked up tight,
Door shut, bolted down, keeping away the light,
No-one is here, just me inside my room,
Keep away, keep away, impending doom.
I come here often, a regular some may say,
I don’t know how often, how many times a day,
I don’t know how to get here, I just seem to be,
Keep me here, keep me here, don’t let him reach me.
The journey to get here, I don’t remember tough,
In fact, what I leave behind is very much more rough,
The flick of a switch, the clap of a hand and I am gone,
The war I have left behind, in my castle I have won.
I don’t like the light, in here it is quite dim,
I don’t like the dark, that is equally quite grim,
Just enough to see what is all around,
And here in my castle, no-one makes a sound.
It’s peaceful, it’s quiet, everything is so still,
If I had the chance, I would come here of free will,
I like that I can come here, but it doesn’t feel a choice,
But even when I am here, like on earth I have no choice.
The castle grounds are messy, the moat just overflows,
I don’t think there’s a gardener, everything just grows,
There are leaves strewn everywhere, and lots of thorns around,
But no-one can touch me here in my castle above the ground.
The barbed wire fencing was my request, it’s here,
I didn’t see who put it up, it suddenly appeared,
I don’t feel trapped, just safe and free,
To wander round my castle room and have time to just be.
A body floats in the moat, I don’t know who it is, she,
Someone small, someone sad, cloaked in misery,
Her eyes open and vacant, she just floats gently down,
The only facial expression, a small and tiny frown.
My castle is plain, no colour and quite bare,
Don’t want to draw attention, don’t want to risk his stare,
My castle is grey, to match the surrounding sky,
It really doesn’t bother me, except when I say goodbye.
My time here is never long enough, I want to stay for more,
Who controls my time? I’m really not too sure,
I just feel calm and settled, and feeling it’s alright,
But then flicks the switch and I’m back out in the night.
I want to stay in my castle, with the windows locked up tight,
Doors shut, bolted down, keeping away the fright,
I just sit here gently rocking in my quiet little room,
Keep away, keep away, impending doom.
I don’t want to leave, I don’t know how to stay,
There’s no one to direct me, help me find a way,
I don’t want to go back and suffer, please let me be,
Keep me here, keep me here, my castle rescues me.
[Image description: The 1915 painting ‘I Am Half-Sick of Shadows, Said the Lady of Shalott’ by John William Waterhouse. The Lady of Shalott is trapped in a tower. She is wearing a red dress and sitting in front of a traditional loom. Her hands are lifted behind her head as she looks out of the window.]