Survivor story: Lisa*
"I think there is such a lot of help out there and I wanted to share my story so that people recognise abuse in their relationships and seek help. I went to college after my husband died and got a level 2 beauty qualification, and relaxation qualification."
I never realised untli now that what I had experienced was abuse...
I met my late husband when I was 14, and I married at 16. The abuse began immediately with sexual abuse happening on our wedding night. I never realised until now that what I had experienced was abuse, but in hindsight a lot is clear. The physical violence was quite sporadic and there were stretches without any. I was never injured to the point where I would need to go to hospital so I never equated the abuse with my view of domestic violence.
His behaviour suddenly clicked into place for me...
In 2003 my middle daughter (who was 14) disclosed that my husband had been sexually abusing her since she was small (and her sister). It was then that all of his behaviour suddenly clicked into place for me. This was the final straw after 25 years of abuse. I took action immediately, called the police and didn’t let him back in the house. He threatened us and tried to force entry. After three days he took his own life. His suicide was a huge relief for me and my children. I had mixed emotions at first but overwhelmingly I felt free.
After being controlled for so long, I didn't understand how to live a normal life...
After being controlled for so long, when my husband died I was in a situation where at the age of 42, I didn’t really understand how to live a normal life, but my new sense of freedom meant I kept buying things. As a result of this, I got into £30,000 of debt. Fortunately, my creditors wiped most of this debt because my medical team and psychiatrist put forward my case of having mental ill health as a result of the abuse.
I nearly lost all my benefits....
The man I married had worked in business, so this was also the first time I had dealt with benefits and running a home. During the relationship I had no choice in what I wore, or how the house was decorated, so after a year I sold the home and replaced every item. His death also led to the collapse of his business so I had debts to pay off. I didn’t realise how quickly the money would get used up, so I nearly lost all my benefits because I was seen as ‘deliberately deprived’. A tribunal won my benefits back.
When I left the house I found a box of tapes – he had recorded every phone conversation the family had had for years.
I wanted to share my story so that people recognise abuse in their relationships...
I think there is such a lot of help out there and I wanted to share my story so that people recognise abuse in their relationships and seek help. I went to college after my husband died and got a level 2 beauty qualification, and relaxation qualification. In September I plan to do level three beauty and massage.
*Name has been changed.
Read Lisa's daughter's story on The Hideout website.
