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ARCHIVE - Life after abuse

i feel useless and stupid

Im worried there is no point to me sometimes. Or what im trying to achieve. He doesnt see the pain he causes me. I cant seen to tell him. I worry i give rubbish advice on here and that im not very helpful. The support ive had has beem wonderfyl but i worry my advice and support back is a bit pointless. I feel like im stuck. Ive reached a point where im starting to understand what hes done to me...but i dont know what to do with it.
I feel ive left....but all im managing is to keep him at arms length.
I feel im opening my eyes but all i want to do is close them agai..
What is the point? If i cant or maybe dont even dee to be able to grab thw future. Just sit still in the present. I am useless. Im losing my direction and dont knkw where to go from here. I feel my posts on here are a waste of time for people to reply to me as im at a point where i dont move. Im away enough from him to be physically safe. But im not doing anything with my freedom. Im paralysed by fear of anything upsetting my bubble. Im just dragging people down by posting my stupid negative feelings. I genuinely dont know what point i have in anything i used to do. I am not into work anymore. Ive lost enjoyment from going out as i get so anxious. Im pathetic. I dont want to see my famlly as i dont feel they understand. Im just locked in a mess. Sorry everyone. X

Created by runnergirl on 22-Aug-12 12:50 GMT

((((((hugs))))))

Keep posting.

I need to know how I can get myself out of similar feelings.

Posted by Maelstrom on 22-Aug-12 13:11 GMT

darling xxxxxxxxxxxxx

If i had a pound for everytime I had tried to get him to see, to understand the pain he has caused me I'd be typing this on a much better and faster laptop, sat on a beach on a caribbean island. He will never understand - and I doubt yours will either. It is not you not explaining it well enough - you have explained how you are feeling to us so well - he just doesn't want to hear it/believe it. I imagine it's how people felt years trying to tell people that the world wasn't really flat or how I feel sometimes when I encounter people who are racist or homophobic - my grandad was both and he honestly thought that all gay men were pedophiles. He would not accept any evidence whatsoever that was contrary to his opinions - he wouldn't even accept that it was his opinion and it was okay for me to have another opinion, to him it was a fact. It was the same with my ex - he didn't think it was abuse, so it wasn't. He thought saying sorry just erased whatever he had done or said and I should just forget about it. Dealing with people like this is incredibly frustrating, exasperating, infuriating and exhausting. I think the key for us to beable to move on is to somehow accept that they are not going to see things the way that we do, no matter how hard we try or what we say. We have to find a way to try and let go and let them go on thinking whatever the f**k they want to believe, leave them to it and get on with our own lives. Totally easier said than done I know - but that it what I am trying to aim for.
I don't really see what we are doing on here is giving advice to each other really. Sometimes it is yes, but mostly I think it's us sharing our experiences and offering each other support, caring and love. I don't come on here to get advice about what I should do, but more to just vent or get stuff out of my head so it's not going round and round all the time. Sharing with others in the same situation who understand what is going on with me in a safe place as I have no one in my life I can talk to. When I post something and someone says 'I know how you feel' - it makes me feel not so alone, someone understands, someone cares - and you have done that for me many many times runnergirl. I can't speak for anyone else but the support you have given me is in no way pointless - the complete opposite infact. It is priceless and precious and means so much.
I just wrote you a response to your reply to me about how I feel like I live in my own little bubble. I feel lost too. directionless, aimless. scared of people. I don't know what the point is either. paralysed by fear is how i feel a lot of the time. you're not alone. i hope we can figure out a way to work this out together - to find that magical 'point' and work our way out of our 'bubbles'.
you are dragging nobody down with your posts - we are all here for the same reasons. if posting here helps you, carry on. it helps me so i hope you do carry on. and please don't apologise for being you. read back some of your old posts - you've some such a long way in the past few months. love and hugs to you xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Posted by PurpleButterfly on 22-Aug-12 13:32 GMT

You are neither useless or stupid!

Runnergirl there is loads of point to you, you are a kind, honest, lovely lady who wants to acheive a happy life free from abuse. The same goal that all the ladies on this forum share. You are not dragging people down, each and everyone of us go through the same feelings- infact you are very brave posting them for us all to openly discuss. Without each and everyone of us contributing to this forum we would all be stuck, lonely, not knowing where to turn .From the bottom of my heart I have genuine feelings of love, support and understanding for each and every lady on here. So no saying sorry Miss Runnergirl!

I totally understand that 'not knowing where to turn' feeling, they will never understand what they have done wrong, denial stops them facing responsibility. If they had bben able to see what they were doing wrong they would no longer continue to hurt us would they?
Have you ever thought that everytime you post we all open up a little more? -that you help us too, it's not all about advice it's about friends talking through the most awful dilemmas and feelings in a enviroment they trust!
You have come so far down this road, keep going my friend :)

Neverforget
x

Posted by Neverforget on 22-Aug-12 15:38 GMT

i wish i could be better all the time.

I hope i do help. I worry i dont know what to say sometimes or give useless advice. But i guess as you say, it helps me to see im not alone feeling this way...so i guess other people will find it helpful if they feel the same as me.
I think to keep going these last few weeks, ivd locked down again. Everytjing feels like its no longer associated with me. I refer to my "head" as if its not even part of me. Like it went through the trauma. In a way i guess it did. My mind was elsewhere...thinking of nice things whilst the abuse was happening.
But i think im doing it again. I caught myself having a conversation about the abuse in 50 shades and how awful it is thar women experience dv. I didnt make the connecyion that that is what ive been through. It just doesnt feel real x

Posted by runnergirl on 23-Aug-12 10:56 GMT