ARCHIVE - Children, young people and domestic abuse
The boys have gone for the weekend and it hurts so much. Their father spent all of the last week trying to get social services to investigate me on the basis of an 'anonymous' referral. It was made by his sister, as my Cafcass officer put in her report. He is a horrible man, and so are his family and I have to hand over the two most precious things in my world to him. I know that in some ways I'm lucky, he won't hurt them. In fact, while the court case is going on he'll be spoiling them rotten. But this has been going on for nearly two years, and then there were all the things when we were living together. I just heard from my solicitor that the two-day final hearing which was supposed to happen next week will probably be cancelled because the other side want the psychologist there, and he can't make it. They have had two months to contact him and sort this out but they just create delay after delay and not one judge has stood up to him and/or his solicitors. I have been pinning so many hopes on this being resolved. I can't take much more. What is the point of a Cafcass Officer if no-one pays any attention to her report? Four months ago she submitted it to the court saying that the children should stay with me and that I am a good mother. He didn't agree, so she was told to write an addendum. She's done it and it says the same; the children are happy and confident and should stay with me. What more can I do? The second the boys get home on Monday I just want to get in the car and run away, take them, and me, somewhere safe where we can start living, before I forget what that feels like. I feel like my life is over and that it's been wasted battling for things that so many people take for granted, just to live without fear of having my children taken away. He has the money and so is allowed to keep up the torture. I'm sorry, I just want someone to tell me that it will be OK. I want to feel strong and not scared all the time. I want to feel like me again. I want my boys home and safe and tucked up in bed. xxxxxxxxxxxxx
Created by nelladean on 17-Aug-12 19:50 GMT
This will end soon. I wonder if he's trying to drive you to the point where you do abscond with them, because then of course he realy would have something to hold against you?!
I know you wouldn't do it really but i can see why you might be tempted.
It's as if he's saying to everyone, go back and do it again and again until it turns out how I want it to! What a nasty bully. But it will be over soon. Once that final date is made, arrives and passes.
Have you thought of going to your MP's surgery and putting the whole case forward there? It's just the kind of thing they can bring to light and get sorted.
Stay strong a little longer, don't be bounced into doing anything rash and keep posting. You're not alone.
Posted by Flowerchild on 17-Aug-12 20:34 GMT
It will be over but sometimes these things take a little while especially if exs are stalling. Mine did just the same thing and was trying to tip me over the edge so i gave up. Running away would make things look quite bad please stay and fight your ground you are nearly there! It felt to me like the last bit was the hardest. You will get there just keep plodding on inside the system. A lot of us felt exactly the same way, promise, but now when things are over you feel a different woman. Give it time, keep going, you won't regret it. The reports are in your favour and all he can do is stall and look stupid ... give him enough rope and he'll do the job for you! Be kind to yourself in the mean time you're making the best of a terrible situation that you didn't ask to be put in. It will be better once over honey.
Sending love xxxx
Posted by rain on 18-Aug-12 13:21 GMT
Thank you so much...and I'm so sorry that you've been put through this horror too, and hope it all worked out for you in the end. It has been a bad w/e, I even spent most of today in bed and I NEVER do that, not even when I'm ill. The boys are away and then as soon as they get back in the morning, I have to leave them to go to court. They're little and all I want is to be with them. Their father has told Cafcass that they are afraid of me, that I kick them, that they scream that they don't want to come back home, that they have tried to run away. It breaks my heart to hear it, even if I know it isn't true. They are happy and I work so hard to keep it that way. Sorry to go on. I keep reading your message and hanging onto it for dear life because I really do feel at breaking point. But I won't run away, I promise. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Posted by nelladean on 19-Aug-12 18:28 GMT
Keep hanging on it makes a difference. See what happens in court tomorrow, I'll be thinking of you and sending 'keep strong' vibes your way. Just stay as calm as you can and see who says what. It sounds like it's not looking good for him in the reports which is why he's stooping this low to get heard. Do let us know how it goes, things here are ok right now, we ended up not going to court but we will one day when he kicks off again and I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. Right now things are stable here and they will be for you too, it's just a sucky process you need to plod through.
Chin up my lovely you're almost there xxx
Posted by rain on 19-Aug-12 18:48 GMT
Just to let you know that today what happened today...He, or rather his witch of a solicitor are still fighting to postpone things. They claim that the Cafcass Officer can't make it (she told me she could), that Social Services are investigating (they told me they weren't) and that because of all their witesses (nine members of his family have put in statements against me) two days wouldn't be enough anyway, and that the psychologist has to be there because despite having asked for him to give a written update to avoid this happening. And the judge? He just sat there nodding. Cafacss have written that the SS referral was malicious and even named the member of his family they thought responsible, that he is fixated on being proved right and that things need resolving as a matter of urgency. And yet they are, once again, allowed to have their own way. I just can't believe it. I was stupidly under the impression that Cafcass Officers were important, that they would be listened to, that courts wanted things resolved. My solicitor is now talking about the possibility of the children havng a guardian appointed because things are so intractable. How can this be happening? I feel like I'm going mad. I am just so lucky to have good friends and family who are sticking by me and the children through this hell. And the lovely people I've met on here. I hope you never have to go through any of this. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Posted by nelladean on 20-Aug-12 16:24 GMT
was thinking about you today thank you for letting us know how you're doing.
This is a process you need to plod through. It really is flipping awful and one day people will have a look at how it is done and streamline it and make it possible for abusers not to be able to draw things out. But right now we need to work within the system that exists.
You will get to there, but it looks like there are a few more bumps along the road first. The judge has to be able to sleep at night knowing he made the right choice. I guess he is just making sure your ex feels heard even though it looks like it won't go his way. The SS and Cafcas reports are in your favour, hang onto this like glue. It counts for a lot. A guardian is someone who may well be another report in your favour as they are independent from your ex too. Let them appoint one, it only helps you. Remain calm, he's clutching at straws. The whole thing may well take longer now but it doesn't necessarily affect the outcome. Yes he is wasting time, but look at where you are now, you are more free than you were before and this is all he is reduced to.
It's just time, a tiny proportion of your life and over the years to come an insignificant proportion of your children's lives. Let your ex stall he is just making himself look bitter and stupid. It's all he is able to do now as his hold on you is weakened more and more.
Sending lots of hugs and love xxx
Posted by rain on 20-Aug-12 18:10 GMT