ARCHIVE - General
... To do things that I really don't want to do but I can't say no. If I do it'll make things worse, he'll go on and on and on until I give in, or he'll make up lies about me, or he'll offer me alternative that is so so much worse - it's best to go with what he said initially. I'm scared to disagree sometimes... I've given up trying to disagree/distract him, and I just give in. I really don't like what I've become
Created by Peanut on 10-Aug-12 23:51 GMT
And your autonomy is gone. You need to get away from this monster.
Time to call a halt to this, yes?
Posted by Flowerchild on 11-Aug-12 00:04 GMT
And get away from the him and the repeated pressurising to do what you don't want to. Please phone and speak to the helpline for support to start planning your freedom from him.You really will feel better when you are safely away from him Peanut x x x
Posted by MJ on 11-Aug-12 00:53 GMT
Peanut really feel for u. U must get away from this -yes- monster. Going along with him isn't going to solve things. It will just get worse.
I really feel 4u. Ur in a scary situation
What r ur options for getting away?
Family to go to? Friends?
Even a sofa wud b better than this.
Can u stay where ur and get rid of him?? Change locks whilst he is out.
I hope u do spk to helpline.
Even if u do change locks and stay. U cud make uself safe and if he does anything call 999 immediately.
This isn't love they have for us. They r using and abusing and they use fear to make us do what they want.
Most of these blokes r wimps!
Just bullys wen it comes down to it an u stand up to them.
Anyway my thoughts and prayers r with u. Praying u hav the strength and a place asap to go. Blessing, from me and hugs to u xxx
Posted by sunnytown on 11-Aug-12 01:06 GMT
If you haven't got anywhere safe to go please phone the helpline and discuss your options, they can help you find somewhere in a refuge or support you whilst you are still going through your options.
if you can have a break from this abuse it will give you time and space to think clearly about what's happening and what you want your future to bex x x
Posted by MJ on 11-Aug-12 12:21 GMT
..to be a good girlfriend and to work things out. If I wasn't so tired and emotional all the time I'd be more up for certain things or would be able to say no and stick to my guns. Im just being weak and useless. It's not unreasonable what he is asking and expecting of me, I just need to try harder.
I once spoke to the helpline who advised refuge, but following that suggestion up showed that it would be hard to get a place as a single, working woman and I'd have to pay hugely expensive rent (nearly double what I pay in rent at the moment!) which I couldn't afford... Obviously this is what my life is meant to be.
Posted by Peanut on 11-Aug-12 19:42 GMT
You wouldn't be so tired! And nobody would be advising refuges.
I think you may be justifying and minimising here - and I suspect that if you tied yourself into a pretzel and rolled round the room he would still find fault and want more/less/different because that's what they're like!
If you feel you need to try harder, then try harder to get away from him because that's the only thing that will fix this.
Does it have to be a refuge? If you just rented a little place for what you pa now, would he harass or stalk you? Would you feel safe?
This is NOT how your life is meant to be, Peanut! Your life is meant to be joyful and brilliant! What's stopping you?
Posted by Flowerchild on 11-Aug-12 19:54 GMT
Because he loves me, Flower. And I love him, too. I dont want to hurt him, I can't hurt him. He gave up his job and friends and flat to move down here to be with me, I can't just give up on us... I have to try to be better, to be more laid back and less sensitive to things. I do think perhaps I over react quite a lot of the time and actually I'm making a fuss about nothing... This is probably just normal relationship stuff.
Unfortunately I do not have any money that I could use as a deposit to rent a place somewhere else, and to be honest I'd prob have to go into a flat share with a stranger too, as the cost of one bed flats round here is ridiculous.... If I were to move away then I would have to give up my job which I love love love, and leave my friends behind too. It shouldn't be this hard...
Posted by Peanut on 11-Aug-12 23:11 GMT
What is obvious is you are being made to do things you don't want to do, and if you say you don't want to , which is your right, this is not accepted by him and you are nagged and forced to do it anyway or worse happens.
Surely this is not right and how you want things to continue Peanut.
Agree refuge costs are so expensive that you will be left with little to live on after your accommodation is paid and if you have work travelling expenses it can be mean that it's now out priced this from being an option for you, such a shame that this happens.
Also agree keeping your job is hugely important.
however, when he gave up what he did as you say ,he had that choice, and you are not treating him badly.
What about your choice in this, you are not choosing to be treated badly.
I think you know this treatment is wrong, if challenging it only means you are hurt more then you need to get away from him poppet, before he destroys you.
please take care x x x
Posted by MJ on 12-Aug-12 00:12 GMT
OK, I hear you. But can I ask how you KNOW he loves you? Not from words spoken but from actions?
What exactly is this man doing day in, day out, to SHOW his love for you? Not historical stuff like giving up a job or moving, things that may make you feel an obligation to him, but actual behaviours that you witness on a daily basis. Things that make you feel safe, warm, cherished, protected, valued, respected, special?
Things he does that make you HAPPY? Because you don't sound happy to me, you sound as if you feel trapped, bewildered, obligated, browbeaten, hopeless, desperate.
And people who love you don't behave so as to produce thiose feelings in the one they love above all others.
Take a deep breath, pull back, sit down and have along hard think and address that 'fact' you've got so embedded in your mind - that he loves you - and start making a list of the evidence that proves it. And what he SAYS doesn't count, remember, it's what he DOES.
See what you come up with and look at the belief again in the light of the evidence. It won't be easy and it might be painful but I'm sure you won't move on until you do this.
Posted by Flowerchild on 12-Aug-12 11:19 GMT