ARCHIVE - General
Created by Ashley on 9-Aug-12 13:08 GMT
I have a personality disorder - and yes i suffer - and i MEAN suffer - with many of those traits. SO do millions of people who DONT have personality disorders. We dont CHOSE to have a personality disorder, and it is agony to live with. So, what are you saying? Only people with pds are always being labelled as the baddies and its tragically unfair. What that list does not include is our sponteneity, our creativity, our intellect, our diversity, our talents, our gifts, our empathy, our passion, our compassion etc etc. PLEASE PLEASE dont think that people with personality disorders are all bad - they are no more bad than the rest of society, but they DO carry a most enormous burden of pain and emotional torment. SORRY if i am coming across as angry and defensive, but so often we get labelled as 'bad' and for most of us our 'own self torture' is more than enough to contend with without it coming from the outside. Many many people on this forum will (even if they are unaware of it) suffer from personality disorders and my heart goes out to them. I have no doubt at all that I am to blame for MUCH of the dysfunction of my relationship - but HE is abusing ME, too, - according to others (as I blame myself for most things) - he is s/abusing me on an almost daily basis and has done for decades - and he DOESNT have a pd. Please dont hate me for writing this - but it scares me that there are web sites that are full of pd haters - it really really scares me, as who has the right to cast stones ????
Posted by myfault on 9-Aug-12 13:53 GMT
dont think i should have posted above message
- very sorry
Posted by myfault on 9-Aug-12 14:34 GMT
I have just read through that list and I think I could tick off all but five . It describes the x in detail. All the things that were wrong and I could never put in to words.
There is a bit of a difference between people who have personality disorders and seek help and those with disorders who use their condition to abuse others. For those of us who are or have been in abusive relationships it is a living hell.
Posted by inneed1 on 9-Aug-12 15:01 GMT
I'm really sorry, I didn't mean any offence and perhaps it was insensitive of me to put this up. However, as inneed1 says, there is a difference between those with personality disorders who seek help and those who choose to abuse others. Also all abusers are on the narcissistic/psychopathic continuum, so have strong traits leaning towards the personality disordered part of the spectrum.
I was married to a very abusive man, who during our marriage, was diagnosed with full-blown Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Unfortunately after we divorced, I met another man who turned out to be abusive, and now it looks as if he may have Schizoid Personality Disorder. Because of this, I have been researching schizoid disorder on the internet, and since many of us on here are involved with abusers with personality disorders, I decided to post this website as a source of information. It was certainly never my intention to portray people with personality disorders as 'baddies' and I am really sorry again if I have caused offence.
Many women on here suffer from mental health problems as a result of the abuse they have suffered, including myself. I would never, ever, wish to judge someone who has mental health problems. I put up the post solely to help women involved with personality disordered abusers and I hope it doesn't deter you from posting again here and getting support.
Posted by Ashley on 9-Aug-12 16:53 GMT
so much for your reply. I do understand how you must feel and realise you would turn to websites like that for support even though for those of us on 'the other side' as it were, those websites can be highly distressing and very destructive. As with all illnesses the range of disability and how it affects others is infinite. Sometimes it can be useful to look at the DSM diagnosis of pds as well - to give a professional view of how they manifest in people. As you say, many do not seek help or admit they have a problem - and having a pd - May - cause people to do unacceptable things but it is NEVER an excuse.
Posted by myfault on 9-Aug-12 17:22 GMT
i haven't read the traits but just wanted to say that you don't need to apologise for posting back your comment/experience. I think it's helpful to have different view points and you obviously have a valid but different perspective. I do think my ex has a personality disorder and i do think it makes his life chaotic and ultimately miserable. He is the opposite to your name - nothing is ever his fault and so he will probably never seek help. He was very intelligent, creative, talented but alas also violent and abusive. I know the 'nice man' i met was most probably and illusion but sometimes i like to think i saw the man he could have been. That's most likely me being soft in the head but there it is.
Good luck on your journey hun and take care. xXx
Posted by Chloe on 9-Aug-12 19:33 GMT
For sharing your feelings. It is interesting to learn how you feel from your point of view, and I appreciate it cannot be very easy for you coping with it.
When I was growing up I was aware from an early age that my late father had mental health problems, but in my family mental illness was seen as taboo and was never discussed. It was difficult for me growing up knowing that something was wrong with my father when the rest of the family were acting as if there wasn't. Now having researched some of his symptoms, I think he may have had a schizotypal personality disorder. He's dead now so I shall never know for certain.
My ex was diagnosed with Narcissistic Disorder 12 years ago. He went to see the GP suffering from stress and was referred for psychiatric assessment. At the time I had never heard of Narcissistic Disorder and never even realised there were 10 different personality disorders. I started researching NPD online and yes I have looked at the DSM IV criteria.
My partner has not yet had a psychiatric assessment, but is undergoing psychotherapy. I am also having psychotherapy, and my therapist said that from things I had told her about him, she suspects that in addition to being severely narcissistic, he could also have Schizoid traits. I have looked up the DSM IV criteria for this disorder and a lot of it does seem to fit where he is concerned. I'm going to try and get him to the GP to see he can be referred for psychiatric assessment.
Do you have a book called "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft? In it Lundy explains that mental illness in itself does not cause abuse. What causes men to abuse women are distorted thought patterns, values and beliefs about women that they have absorbed from parents and significant role models. These beliefs are further reinforced by our pervasive female-negative society and culture, which teaches men that they are superior to women and are entitled to have power and control over a woman. In other words, they have an abusive mentality. That said, two personality disorders are known to be highly compatible with abuse: Narcissistic Disorder and Antisocial Personality Disorder (psychopathy), and people with these two disorders are usually abusive.
Meantime it's important for you to realise that abuse is NEVER the victim's fault, but is down to the abuser having an abusive mentality. Abusive men believe that women should be perfect, and if they fail to be perfect they deserve to be abused and punished for their 'imperfections'. Therefore it is also important to understand that no one is perfect because we are all human, so the expectations of abusive men are totally unrealistic. There is NO excuse for abuse, and your own mental health problems and whatever behaviours they manifest are no justification for abusing you. He is abusing you because he has an abusive mentality, and not because of anything you have done.
You can get Lundy's book from Amazon.co.uk. It is an excellent read.
Posted by Ashley on 9-Aug-12 23:22 GMT
Has bipolar disorder and I suspect, though undiagnosed, severe narcissitic personality disorder. With the bipolar, he has had some very very unpleasent episodes when his behaviour has been terrifying. However I have never counted these as abusive episodes as he felt he had no more control over them than an diabetic would over going into a diabetic coma for example. However the abuse has been all the day to day stuff which result from his personality type. Since I read up on this personality type it has made so much sense to me.
Posted by thetallestsunflower on 11-Aug-12 10:33 GMT
that while it's ineresting to know what's making some people tick and especially if a patter is recognisable that means we can get a diagnosis and maybe treatment, for a partner the key thing is always how their abusive behaviour impacts on us.
It's not really about whether they can help it or not, is it? A bite from a rabid dog hurts as much as one from a dog that's merely vicious, and is actually far more dangerous!
It's nt like we can make them better by deciding it isn't their fault, we still have to put ourselves first. In sickness and in health doesn't mean sticking around to take continued abuse from someone whose mental condition is leading them to abuse us, not in my book! We can show love and loyalty by insisting they get professional help and taking steps to protect ourselves so they have no further abuses to stand accused of.
Posted by Flowerchild on 11-Aug-12 10:45 GMT
although I havent read through the whole of this post, I have also made myself a lot more aware of mental health issues, over my time of recovery.
I read loads of articles about different personality disorders and labelled my ex with all of them at the time.
It also made me aware of just how many different traits of mental abuse there were/are, and the most important part of all this is to acknowledge mental health in all its forms.
Back then, I was angry, and I wanted answers as to why my ex was the way he was. Now I just accept he is and was the way he was.
All I know now, is that i am free of him and the life style I was accustomed to then. But now, I am a lot more informed, and aware, of behaviours and also intolerant of ignorance.
so, if this journey has taught me anything, its to be less judgemental, and more forgiving. We all have our journey to travel in life. Its how we deal with things, and recover that is the difference. We are making tracks to recover. I don't know if our abusers have the same ability. I don't waste time worrying about it anymore.
Posted by ka3n on 11-Aug-12 10:56 GMT
I could tick off so many of them for my ex
Posted by scared2011 on 11-Aug-12 11:20 GMT
My BF sadly fits 85/100 and of the other 15 I suffer from 6 as a result of all the abuse! If you believe that many abusers suffer narcissistic personality disorder and I am convinced my BF does, it kind of makes sense & 85% score IS frightening! But I would hate people to think that non abusive people suffering mental health conditions fit these criteria. I recognise a few in me when he has got me so low my view of reality has been distorted.
Posted by Needafriend on 12-Aug-12 19:04 GMT
I have complex post traumatic stress disorder, depression and bordeline personality as a result of a lifetime of abuse in childhood and as an adult. I do agree that the difference with people with pd is how we deal with it and what help we get. I have attended therapy for over 6 years, i do counselling for my ptsd and i am not abusive. I have seen too much and i would never dream of hurting anybody, Mental illness doesn't make you abusive but i do believe that people with anti-social personality like my ex are somewhat born to be nasty and evil. They say with anti-social and a few other's that they cant get better and i fully believe this. My ex won't get help, he thinks he is a gift to the world and always right. His thinking is very distorted about the world and women are slaves and toilets to him. I can't live with that and neither should anybody else.
I do see that certain personality disorders are associated with abuse but then again ''normal'' people can be just as abusive. It's there belief system and there inflated ego's that make them who they are. They feel entitled to everything without lifting a finger.
Posted by Tatters on 12-Aug-12 23:41 GMT