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New here. Been with husband for many years, in the past he has been emotionally and fiancially abusive towards me. We have children. He has hurt them by handling them roughly due to mental health issues, social services were involved and were aware of this, they are no longer. I am now left in the situation were I cannot move on, no matter how hard I try. I find it impossible. My heart is in tatters, I want to forgive him,I want to move on, but it is so hard. Has anyone moved on after domestic violence? He has never been physically violent to me.
Created by fed up on 7-Aug-12 10:38 GMT
Hi there, I like to think i am one of the lucky ones, i was only with my husband for a few years, he never hit me, but the mental abuse was horrific. I did keep forgiving him over and over again, but there comes a point i think when you can't take it any more. The day i left him was the first day he did hit me across the face. He was being abusive towards me in front of people, i was raging, my blood was boiling, but i never showed it, which i think really annoyed him, when he seen he was getting no reaction, he walked past me and hit me in the process, it was deliberate and everyone seen, and no one done a thing. I knew there and then that was no way to live and just left.
I slept on a friends couch for 2 weeks, then i rented a room in a house with 2 other girls. I have my own place now, but it took time. I walked away and never took a thing. I slept on a camp bed for 5 months in that room, had no tv, just some books. But you know, i was free from him, i was a bit down at times, but overall i knew it was the best thing to do.
Its been over a year now and i have moved on so much, my own place, my own belongings and furniture. I still have down days and struggle with emotions and trust, but i am getting there. One day at a time.
I wish you all the luck in the world with your decision. xxx
Posted by shannon on 7-Aug-12 13:29 GMT
shannon, thanks for your reply. You have been really brave leaving him, and i admire your courage. But I need to stay in this relationship, and I need to know how I deal with that on a daily basis. I need to stay for my children. I would not trust him to look after them alone, when he is allowed contact, which I know will happen. My brain is like mushy peas. He knows he has behaved badly and accepts that he needs help. I wish that it was an easy decision and I could just say go or stay and that was that. But the reality of it is it is not an easy decision and people have made me think I have choices in this, but in reality I do not. I have to protect my children and for me that means staying.
Yes I know if I go I will be showing them his behavior will not be tolerated, but thats not much good to them when he is looking after them alone and he neglects their safety. I also know that it would destroy them to have to see him in a contact centre, and I do not want to destroy them. So choices are not a reality for me.
how do you move on from this and stay in the relationship?
Posted by fed up on 7-Aug-12 13:57 GMT
my dreams of a happy ever after with my prince charming, they have disappeared!
fed up X.
Posted by fed up on 7-Aug-12 14:05 GMT
Reading ur post looks like there are many issues and you are stil tightly bound in that relationship. I'm not sure if ur thinking is right about steying all of u together. The children? U say u hav to stay for them but they r not safe if left with him?
Y don't u ask womens aid for an outreach worker?. They r fantastic. I have one she comes to see me now about ev 2wks but they come as much as u need them or mayb u cud meet somewhere neutral say for a coffee out if its too risky for ur husband to know. The freedom programme to I would highly recommend.
But outreach would be good for you to talk over your reasons for ur decisions and have time and another perspective about things.
I pray for yours and childrens continued safety and some peace in ur life.
Well done for how far u have come so far.
Iv been very blessed was only with my husband 4 yrs and hav been able to move 3oo miles away.
Also he has moved on to another target so he doesn't hassle me anymore.
Its stil difficult getting over it all but things get better
I'm sure they will 4u too. Just get some help and support with ur decisions
Strength and love 2u xxx
Posted by sunnytown on 7-Aug-12 14:18 GMT
.....if i wrote those words and you are reading them, what would you say?......i am not trying to criticise you ...you clearly are a loving mother and a good caring woman......do you not think you are putting your children in a high risk situation ?.......you say he has mental health issues and social services were involved previously...did you have a specific contact there that maybe you could speak to for advice?........domestic abuse is not a healthy situation for you or your children to live within on a daily basis.......other ladies on here have written about the effect of abuse on their children....please take a moment to read through some of them.....there is a helpline to the left of the page you can call for further support ...or why not contact your local wa for more information and advice.......i can tell you from experience the only way to move on from domestic abuse or and abuser is to either get out ....or get the abuser out of the house......
...i hope you find the strength to move forward with your and your children's lives whatever you decide....keep posting please....some of the other ladies here will i am sure will respond with more helpful information....
much love and hugs
Posted by SIS on 7-Aug-12 14:33 GMT
Welcome to The Survivors Forum Fed Up.
It sounds as if you are having a really hard and confusing time at the moment. I am sure that you will get a lot of support and advice from the other women that post on the forum, as many of the survivor's are going through or have been through very similar experiences to you.
There are so many emotions involved within the dynamics of domestic abuse and they can be very hard, if not impossible, to make sense of when you are living in the abuse all the time. Many of the women that post on here have found the courage to leave their volitile relationships but this does take time. It is definately possible to leave, but it has to be done safely so not to put you and your children at risk.
The National Domestic Violence Helpline could talk to you about your individual situation and all of the options open to you; whether that is leaving, planning to leave in the future or managing the risk to you and your children if you decide to stay for the time being. You could be put in contact with a local Domestic Violence agency who could meet with you and support you with your decisions. You can call the National Domestic Violence Helpline on 0808 2000 247; they are open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. If you find it hard to call from home, they are free to use from any landline, including public phone boxes.
I am concerned that he has been rough towards your children. Is there anyway you could possibly gain the support from social services again? His mental health condition is not an excuse to be rough towards the children or you; there is nothing that justifies abuse behaviour towards anyone.
I hope you keep posting and letting us know how you are doing.
Posted by WA Moderator on 7-Aug-12 15:22 GMT
been for counselling, and is changing. What he has done to the children was almost 6 months ago now, and has not touched them since. What happened still haunts me. I reported him for it. He has made some changes, well big ones. It just may not be enough and there is always that worry that he would not keep it up. I am fed up with people saying to me go, when I cannot. I know the reality of what my children would face if I did. Its not going to happen!
PLease don't tell me to go, I cannot. It's not happening, seriously. I will not put my children through it. I know life for them may be better without him here on a day to day basis, but there is no way on this earth i can allow days of unsupervised contact. I have been told that this would happen if I left, so I have no choice.
Posted by fed up on 7-Aug-12 18:15 GMT
and I can see why you are feeling so trapped and unable to move out - it is about the children of course, and how best to protect them.
If he is changing for the better that's good, but it's early days for knowing whether it will last! Well done you for reporting him - I wasn't brave enough when mine were small. With this behaviour and the involvement of SS in his past, would he really be likely to have unsupervised contact if you parted? Who told you this, how much reliance do you place on the information and is there room for an appeal for supervised contact only? It seems to me that would make a huge difference and open up your options. Have you talked to a solicitor about it?
You really need some choices opened up for you here - this is an untenable situation and I am really sorry you're so boxed in with it. This is a very high price indeed to be expected to pay for your children's safety and of course staying with him is no guarantee anyway as you cannot be alert and vigilant 24/7 anyway!
I would just go everywhere and ask everyone until I got a chink of light on this - doesn't just accept what the first second and third people say if it leaves you trapped.
Posted by Flowerchild on 7-Aug-12 18:28 GMT
thanks for the reply. Who told me about unsupervised? social services and everyone on here with their experiences. I know it would happen.
Posted by fed up on 7-Aug-12 20:58 GMT
and some partners have unspervised access, some supervised and some none. Is it worth approaching SS again for a chat about what would be likely given his track record? Don't assume the worst, they're not in the business of putting children into risky situations!
All the best, keep posting and we'll be here for you.
Posted by Flowerchild on 7-Aug-12 21:06 GMT
I understand you are trying to move forward following abuse from your partner, to be able to move forward you have to be able to trust that the abuse will not reoccur, to even begin to be able to trust that the abuse will not reoccur you would have to believe your partner accepts responsibility for what he did, understands that it was wrong , and is remorseful, and is trying to put things right and showing you this and appreciating you all for staying and giving him the chance to prove that this will not happen again. Showing this over a period of time,it times a long time for you to begin to trust again.Fedup I don't feel this is so by your posts, Mental health issues is not a reason for dishing out abuse it's an excuse , and a poor one at that. Do you feel he appreciates having this chance to keep his family together after how he has treated you all or is it just taken for granted, the past brushed aside now, are you told to leave it in the past and move on by him?
please don't feel I am having a go at you because I am not you are trying to keep your family together and your children living with both parents in their home, in familiar setting, where their friends are, where they settled in school etc . Your are trying to make sure you are in control of the situation , overseeing everything , always on duty to guard against any chance of the past repeating itself and even taking how this will wear you down, ou of the equation for now ,I am not sure if it will work because it depends on your partner's efforts. He and only he can stop this abuse. You can try to curb it , divert it, minimalise it, compensate for it in other ways but you can't stop the behaviour - only the person responsible can.
You say you are worried about if he has sole contact visits, your concern speaks volumes about your future trust on this abuse matter.
Please keep an open mind, you do have options and you are not trapped in this situation if things do not continue to improve.
Many of us have stayed in relationships thinking that we we're doing the right thing for our children , or the only thing possible at the time and have had regrets that we didn't get out sooner. I put up with far far too much , for far far too long feeling similar concerns , thing escalated and I could have easily been in the situation of not being alive today. I also feel that , in my case , trying to keep the family together , was misguided, on my part, as my grown up children feel their childhood was not happy-In their eyes now
Their dad was wrong for his behaviour and I was wrong for putting up with it.
stay strong and keep on eye and ear out for all options,
Posted by MJ on 7-Aug-12 23:14 GMT