ARCHIVE - Life after abuse
My relationship ended on Thursday after the violence had got to a point where I had no choice but to ring the police. He has been arrested and will appear in court soon. Part of his bail conditions are that he can not contact me or come within 100yards of me. I'm finding this unbearable. I know how i am supposed to feel. I'm supposed to hate him for what he has done to me. If it was anyone else I'd be furious but I have no anger. No hate. Just pity and above all else i'm worried about his well-being... I feel like a nutcase! I have read up on trauma bonding and Stockholm syndrome but i'm finding it all really hard to get my head around. Being told that the man I fell in love with is an act, a projection and none of the good stuff was real. If its all an act he should win a bloody Oscar.
I suffer with depression and have been suicidal and done silly things that have hurt myself and people around me but I would hate people to give up on me and mistake my illness for my personality. Is this making any sense or am I in fact a complete loon? Is there something wrong with him or is he just a monster?
Created by FouD'elle on 5-Aug-12 15:39 GMT
you left on Thursday, and your trying to deal with traumatic bonding already.
first of all, take a breather.
talk to your IDVA that has been assigned to you, and let yourself recover from the shock of all that has happened first of all.
Of course you are in shock, you can't possible take on board what has happened in four days. You need to talk to your GP, too.
Have you got any support at all? Family? Friends?
I am guessing they are not around, but once they know the turth of what has happened more times than not they come back to support us.
I won't lie, though, it does take quite a while to face up to our demons and thankfully this forum helps immensely.
keep posting, and well done for finding the forum so soon.
Posted by ka3n on 5-Aug-12 16:32 GMT
Hi FouD'elle and welcome to the Forum. Thank you for sharing your story with us. Well done for taking the brave steps in making a statement to the Police. I know that is never an easy thing to do no matter how bad the situation is.
And well done for finding the Forum, which I think you are going to find a really useful source of support and advice from other brave and wise members. I can see Ka3n has already offered some wise advice and I would just add that if you haven't already contacted a support service why not give the dv helpline 0808 2000 247 a call or contact a local service for face to face support. It will make this journey that you are on a little easier. You can find you nearest service by clicking to the left of this page on 'Find help locally'.
Keep posting and keep safe
Posted by WA Moderator on 5-Aug-12 20:32 GMT
I have been exactly where you are now in the past, i had him arrested for assaulting me and he wasn't allowed near me. I felt the same, like it was killing me to not be able to know if he was ok. I felt crazy and so very anxious and i know that it was the trauma bonding..... i know it now anyway. Back then i just wanted it all to go away and for mr nice to be real. I wanted him to act how i wanted him too but the truth was it was all an act. They are masters at it using manipulation and emotional abuse. They can be so charming and loving, i used to say my ex was like a puppy sometimes but really he wasn't at all. He was just worming his way back in, making me feel sorry for him and then when i had let him back in it would all start again. It is painful to realise that it was all a lie, that he is in fact that monster. It takes a long time to get your head round it but if i could go back now and i was where you are i would get away and get out before he caused any more damage to me. You will suffer with depression and self harming living with a man like that. I used to hurt myself and i still have depression. Some days i dont want to get out of bed but i make myself because i don't want him to win. He has destroyed me enough
You dont sound mad to me at all. The thing wrong with him is that he wants utter control and power of you. That isn't an illness at all, thats how he is and you dont deserve it. He won't change for you, they never do but they are full of empty promises.
Posted by Tatters on 5-Aug-12 21:50 GMT
Hi there ur post struck me. Its just like it could of been written by me!!
Its all normal how urfeelin and how u hav been acting. Hope this msg just helps to let u know this illness this trauma bonding - whatever it is? Its hard very hard to work through. I'm a lot further down the path than u and things do get better. U r not a loony - mine usd to call me that! They are cheeky pigs these bloke. Watch sam vaknin videos on you tube - loads of brilliant insights there. Yes and like he says its horrendously shocking for our minds to try and accept what they r and that they don't love us. Not love as is normal anyway.
Very painful. Take all the advice and help u can.
Giv urself a break and heal.
Things. Will eventually get better. Just keep on the right track. Sounds like u hav done great so far. Just keep on
Thoughhts and prayers r with u - god bless u
Posted by sunnytown on 5-Aug-12 23:22 GMT
I guess both things are true - he is a monster and there is something wrong with him... in abusers there seems to be a bit of their personality or psyche that's missing or just doesn't work - the bit that makes them care, really care, about others. And they get together with people like us who have loads of caring and empathy going on. That's why he could play act being nice so wel for a while but never keep it up. And it's also why you STILL care about him now, even after all he's done, more than he ever cared about you. Because it's always about him, for him.
Ask yourself when you ever knew him put your needs above his own. That will tell you a lot. Then ask yourself the same. You will go on caring, but your heart will catch up with your head in time. It's fine to feel it - just let the feelings rol - but it's important not to act on them!
God luck, you're so far on already!
Posted by Flowerchild on 6-Aug-12 07:32 GMT