ARCHIVE - Life after abuse
But you broke my heart. You broke me. You broke me into a thousand pieces. I cry as I write this - because you text me ''come over'' ''get in my bed''. After everything that's happened - you still choose to pretend that everything is ok. Yes - it is me who is making a big deal out of it. Yes - it is me who has not coped and is doing things wrong. I am ''choosing to be alone. to throw the relationship away. to punish you by not coming back.''. I am the evil one. the let down.
But I have learned you did not show me love. I learning you hurt me. That you abused my mind and body - why did you do this? To me. The one you call your baby. And tell me you love me. WHY DID YOU DO THIS??? Why did you laugh at me when I was crying outside your car? Why did you leave me so so many times? Why am I sitting here alone - after so so many years and fighting and hoping you would see me - and only now you seem to realise what you want. You say you want me. But you didn't want me. You dumped me. Dumped me by shouting in my face, over the phone, by text message, by pulling and pushing me out of cars. I tried to help you - tried to take you to the doctors that day. You thew money at me and told me it was over and you would punch me in the face and kick me if I didn't go. Then when I did go - you told me that if I didn't come back - you would destroy me.
I met you and you looked after me. Things were hard but I felt safe with you - my only friend. My strong man who was going to take care of me and make the world not seem such a bad place. I loved you and your family. SO much. I never questioned what you did and said to me - because it was ''my fault''. I always 'made you angry', 'made you hurt me', 'made you leave me', 'didnt change fast enough', didn't do enough, worked too much, ran too much, saw my family too much, didn't clean the flat enough, didn't see you enough, didn't buy coloured clothes, didn't do my nails and look after myself enough, spent too much time on my mobile phone, spent too much time speaking to my mum, spent too long with a friend, didn't breath quietly enough, moved around in bed too much, had too cold feet, clicked my ipod too loudly, drank too much tea, didn't wear bright enough colours, worried too much, was too negative, didn't give you enough sex, didn't lend you money freely enough, picked my skin, breathed on you in bed, stole your air, stressed too much, got anxious, didn't go on holiday for long enough, was indecisive. I could go on - I was not good enough for you. Yet now - you want me. I am ''amazing'' and you love me.
You remember the relationship as good. I remember tears and anxiety and fear. I remember waking up in the morning and thinking ''do I dare get up before you?'' - will I make too much noise with the kettle? Will I move the duvet cover too much? I crept out by pushing my arm down on the duvet so your side didn't move. I closed all the doors and flinched when the kettle boiled. I didn't dare flush the toilet. The anxiety would build if I wanted to go out before you woke up. To go for a run I would get changed in the corridor of my own flat. Not in my bedroom where my clothes were - I would wear anything availble so I didn't disturb you - and then I would creep out the door so quietly. Run to my car - had you woken?? I would wait in the carpark - did I DARE leave? I would drive away heart pounding all the way....Watch and wait for my phone to ring...Had you caught me? Had you woken and discovered Id gone? Sometimes yes. And I would be repremanded - for leaving you. Punished for being selfish. For leaving you alone. I would imediately drive back. ''Im so sorry'' I would cry. But it would be too late - you had packed your bags. Rummaging through my flat, you would pull everything out - packing your things in plastic bags. ''Its over'' I would beg and beg don't leave me, im so sorry - I will change I pleaded with you. Too late - you were leaving.....I would run after you to the car, crying and crying please don't. But you would be in your car. Sometimes you would laugh. Call me pathetic. Then you may drive away. If you drove away...you would phone me to torture me more, make me appologise more, make me beg for forgiveness and promise I would change. Sometimes you would stay put. Lock the doors of your car and watch me outside, breaking down. I was losing you and you were watching my pain from inside the car. Playing on your computer game. Looking at me and laughing at my pain. Eventually - you came back and I would write down everything I was going to change. I wouldn't go to the gym as much, I wouldn't go out so early, I wouldn't get so upset if you left. Whatever you decided - I would change. I didn't want to lose you. After this.....we would go out for the day. We would be late setting off.....because I had been ''stupid'' so the day would be ruined already. But we would be out - it would be up to me where we were going so it would be decision time - where did I want to go????? If I said X then that would be wrong and a stupid idea. If I said Y that would be ridiculous....which should I pick? If i didn't pick......I was indecisive and annoying........Opting for X or Y or nothing would all result in the same thing....and I would ALWAYS pick the wrong one....resulting in you turning the car around....to come home....and I knew what was coming. As soon as the car began to turn around....I knew. I was going to be dragged out of the car or told to get out - and be dumped again - repeat the mornings incident of you packing your things, leaving and watching me twist and turn myself inside out. Eventually you came back inside. After I had ''ruined the day'' you would suggest '' going for food'' as you were hungry......but where would we go? The decision again....would be mine.....I would make the wrong one....and you would leave me again......pack your things and drive away - only to phone again and I would beg for forgiveness....Why had I been so so so Stupid and annoyed you all day???? What was ''wrong with me?''. You may pick up food and just as I was near breaking point, arrive on the door step with a takeaway. Exhausted I would thank god you had forgiven me again for my stupid mistakes and vow NEVER to do wrong again. I promised myself ''I will change'' ''I will stop being so stupid and annoying him''....but what was I doing? I must figure this out...
After food - you would want/expect sex. Placing a pillow over your head so you didn't have to look at my ''disgusting face'' you would tell me to ''sit on it''. After the days events - I would do as I was told. After all - I had already been given a 3rd chance. I wasn't going to mess it up again. After you had finished. You rolled over. You asked me why I wanted to watch the television....it was loud and you wanted to sleep. I turned off the tv....and lay in darkness.....my god. This was only Saturday. I had to get through Sunday yet....
This describes one, repetitive day in the relationship with you. And does not even cover the worst bits or the bits I would consider abusive.
You just texted me ''love you''. I cry in pain for you
Created by runnergirl on 4-Aug-12 22:15 GMT
He is keeping you in a state of confusion. you can't think straight as your so confused. It's not possible for you to be wrong all the time, as it's not possible for him to be right all the time. They change the goal post continually to keep us confused. You know that it's wrong what he's saying, but they have us believing their right. Well their not.
you are not to blame for everything wrong in his life. i spent too many years with a man like this and never could anything please him. I tried to make things work but the more I tried the worse it got. I escaped 20 months ago after 40 years and despite the challenges I've had which include losing everything and everyone some through natural deaths, somehow I'm still standing and life is good, and I'm so happy without that abuser in my life.
To survive what they do to us shows our strength, and now I don't live with him I'm getting stronger every day. I don't know you circumstances, but there is lots of support for you and this forum is a good support for you. I know exactly what you mean when you say "this is only Saturday. I had sunday to get through yet.... this was my life for to long.
He stalked me this morning, I called the police. I didn't crumple to much and was really proud of my recovery from seeing him. Please don't listen to the terrible things he says to you and love is not confusion I know this now. Stay strong I see so much of my previous life in your words, frightened to disturb him, You are good enough it's him who is not. stay safe.
Posted by getting stronger on 4-Aug-12 23:07 GMT
Every weekend....and any day off. It was so exhausting. I feel sad.he can text me.things like 'i miss you" when he was like this with me. Ive never spoken in detail with anyone about what it was really like. Thought id try get it out on here....thought itd be a good idea as ive seen other women do it here and wondered if itd help me...all its done so far is bring back symptoms of ptsd tonigjt. Ive had nigjt sweats, woke up unable to breath and im out driving about again as i couldnt stay in my flat. WHEN WILL THIS END? I want it all to go away. Im trying to make myself see him as abusive. I think i am starting to see through the ' i love yous'. Sometimes they make me quite annoyed...but i still reply to texts all nicey nicey so as not to upset him. The selfish guy who did the above to me. I protect him. Why oh why. I dont know whether to keep writing what he did to me or not....how i used to live? Just want to get better x
Posted by runnergirl on 5-Aug-12 02:33 GMT
You wrote so well, but what a horrifying experience & what an abusive man. Give it & yourself time. Write it all down for sure, eventually you'll be glad you have. Always remember he will never change, he'll always be that nasty selfish man who watched you & laughed while your heart broke. You're doing do well, better than you think. Hang in there,
Posted by HMP on 5-Aug-12 09:03 GMT
Is this was a normal day for me. Not a bad one. This was every weekend as a typical day. It has made me feel so overwhelmed. X
Posted by runnergirl on 5-Aug-12 15:33 GMT
Think its all been too much. X
Posted by runnergirl on 5-Aug-12 15:37 GMT
for you and you have been so brave to continue in your fight to stay away from this person who has treated you so so badly. I can so relate to everything you have written and it brings back all my unhappy memories too but it is essential to be able to slowly move on to remember the hurt so we never let them back in to torture us all over again. I cry for you and all of us survivors ( I was always told by him that i always played the victim) Stay strong it will get better but it will take time my friend, I too am having a shaky week-end after 9 months of leaving but he will never get the opportunity to physically abuse me again. HUgs Nessi x
Posted by nessi on 5-Aug-12 16:34 GMT
For the second time...so i guess we are very similar. Thankypu for your mesdage. Today ive found alnost impossible. Went to see a doctor today as im vitamin d and iron deficient so physically feeling quite broken. He asked if id been stressed lately so i explained id recently ended an abusive relationship. He confirmed my ptsd again but told me that my body was now not physically coping with the emotional stress and to get better, i need to first tackle getting my body strong again. Then try and tackle the emotional side. I still cannot believe how badly this has effected me. I knew that things were bad but i always thought id cope. I feel weak. My ex used to always say i played the victim too..i guess they do this so we can pick them up on the abuse...socially engineering the situation so we do the opposite and never say anything is wrong. In fact i think i do and did the opposite. I denied anything was wrong to myself and others for so long x
Posted by runnergirl on 5-Aug-12 17:47 GMT
I just think being ill, being weak, being worn out and taking a rest were things you were never allowed to do and were punished for doing.
Time to give yourself permission to be tired, to be poorly, to ask for and accept help and to put your needs first for a change!
Posted by Flowerchild on 5-Aug-12 18:23 GMT
Denying our voice to be heard by others and keeping it all in Why do we try to protect them?. My turning point was in the arrival in my life of a now dear friend who had worked in dv and refuges in the uk and when she came to work with me , and him, She recognized what was going on. She made me understand what was happening to me, never did she tell me what to do but she was always there when I needed her, escaping to her home with my children when things were too abusive to handle. Slowly I couldn't deny it to myself that things were never going to change, the amount of chances he was given was totally unfair on me or the children. When you think of all the chances, I am sure you are the same....Saw him today had to pick up our daughter from a visit and he looks at me telling her how he loves me so much and how he wants us to be together but I look at him now with such hurt and disbelief and say back "you didn't "LOVE ME"! Enough! They do not know the meaning of how you really love someone of that I am sure. Another evening on my own but like you safe, that is priceless and you are a special lady and deserve to be loved unconditionally and without fear. I pray to God we find this in the future but for now stay safe and focus on you. xx
Posted by nessi on 5-Aug-12 19:26 GMT
If i was weak or ill - he would get me. I would be under his control more and I wouldn't be able to get away from him if I needed to. My mum would constantly tell me there was something wrong with me - so if I was or am ever ill I experience huge anxieties because of this - I panic ''perhaps there really is something wrong with me....perhaps she was right''. She is better now - but as a child she would whisper in my ears at night that she knew there was something wrong with me. She had me sent away .... when my dad was away for a week...fortunately when my dad returned and discovered what she had been doing, he came to get me and this finally led to him putting his foot down on the abuse my mum did to me. She then began getting the help she needed. But that experience has continued to live with me. The place she sent me away to was harrowing and I was only 13 years old. I have a deep fear of being ill and out of control now - I think it has something to do with this.
With my ex, if I ever said I felt ill - he would go mad. Tell me that I was stupid, that I didn't feel ill, that I was just focusing on it - and I would convince myself I wasn't ill at all. I was diagnosed with anaemia 4 years ago and when I saw the doctor she said I had an HB level which was one of the lowest she had ever seen in a fully functioning woman - it was 5.4 (meant to be 12) but when describing my symptoms to my ex, he would tell me I was imagining it, that the pains in my feet and hands were in my head etc.... so much so that before I went to the doctors about my anaemia symptoms, I went to the doctors to ask if there was anything I could get for being panicky as ''I was annoying my boyfriend by being so nervous and feeling ill all the time and it was in my head''....turns out there was actually something really wrong with me but I'd convinced myself there wasn't because he would get so angry if I mentioned anything. I think there is quite a lot of deep embedded stuff with me :-(
Posted by runnergirl on 5-Aug-12 21:47 GMT
Your words comforted me tonight. I feel a bit like the calm after the storm tonight after last night. Hoping I will sleep. Waking at 2am (my time to wake with ptsd symptoms it would seem) with night sweats and anxiety, breathlessness last night was just horrific - not this again I thought. But tonight I feel exhausted, but glad it is over and hopefully wont come back for a bit. You are right - I don't think the love my ex showed me was real love. I was getting anxious today as he hadn't contacted me all day. Tonight he has though - he texted that he couldn't force me to see or call him - but he was there for me if I needed him. I struggle with this - these words sound like the words of a caring and respectful man. Which I have to keep telling myself he is not. It is SO hard when they behave nicely - I remember when i went back the first time - if he behaved nicely towards me, it used to upset me even more as it was so unknown to me, very unnerving. I am the same now. I feel on edge when he is nice - is this normal?
Well done for staying strong today. x xxx
Posted by runnergirl on 5-Aug-12 22:48 GMT
They are words - nothing more. A few keystrokes and it's done. What he thinks will tempt you back for more power play and abuse from him.
Words are so cheap - they're free - and he doesn't need to mean a word of it! Has he ever BEHAVED in a caring and repsectful manner?
You, me, Nessi, many women on here - we have husbands, partners or exes who protest that they LOVE us! So of course we're meant to jump right in because those are the magic words women want to hear, right?
Wrong! We don't want words, we judge by actions. When my abuser says he loves me, has always loved me, I just have to ask him, 'How would I KNOW that?' and being told doesn't count, does it? If you're loved you feel supported, valued, cherished, protected, respected - so many things. If that isn't the case, it's not love. End of.
Love should be banned from their vocabulary until they can prove they know what it means in a context other than loving themselves.
Hang in there, both of you. You are strong and getting stronger!
Posted by Flowerchild on 5-Aug-12 23:16 GMT
Too true Flower, ban them! Mine believes the hype that because people see his nice side and he's full of hugs and words of support! There is no depth and they do not know the truth about this abusive husband I have lived to live with. My other thing is I know I should unfriend him from face book (although he cannot see my posts) but why do I have this curiosity about what he is up to?Why do we still care? He has just come back from working abroad and made new friends who are so praising him up saying things like what a "beautiful human being " he is....Excuse me, I want them all to know what lies beneath but I also know this is pointless. I am also going for an aimiable divorce with no accusations to get it over as quickly as possible and I have started to feel guilty that I should sling the book at him so that if ever he gets together with anyone they would know his past and it might save her. Stupid all these thoughts I know, back to reality I have just found out all 4 tyres need replacing no maintenance and no help here so we go again. Love to all Nessi xx
Posted by nessi on 6-Aug-12 11:00 GMT
You say im strong....am i really? I feel so weak. Im losing motivation in my work. I feel angry. I feel lost. I feel im a drain on people around me. I know they a want me to be better. To be stronger and to be ok and rebuild. But i almost dont want to. I dont feel i can be bothered today. Feel so angry at everyone. Im not usually an angry person. But i feel cross. I dont want to rebuild because i dont feel i can take being knocked down again. Everyone keeps telling me 'come home (my parents)....youre not doing well on your own' but i dont want to go home. They attacked everything about me when.i was strong. My running,my working hard, my buzzy bee nature rushing around. I feel now im broken and useless theyre happy as they can scoop me up.and rescue me. Make me into what they want me to be...ill go home like a good girl and work for my dad and live close so all the family is close. I dont and never have wanted that. I want to make it on my own. I dont want ro be loojed after. I dont want to wprk for my dad and i dont want to live close. My brother is perfect in their eyes. Lives at home. Sucessful business. Everythong goes right for him. Always. He has a perfect girlfriend. Perfect group of friends and is just what they want.
With my ex...he thinks he is the answer....come back to him and i wont be in the mess i am now. He keeps messaging me that he cant force me to want his help. He cant makr me call him pr see him. He 'hopes we can spend time together soon...but he cant make me'. Hes not texting so much now...its making me angry and anxious at the same time. It makes me want to text him mpre and be angry at him.he.gets to just be mr shiny. Mr 'poor me i was depressed and my girlffiend didnt stock by me'., im left...poorly, diagnosed with bloody ptsd. Pathetic. A shadow of who i was...and nothing happens to him. I wake in the night with night sweats. He sleeps peacefully. Im worn out...hes emvarked on a nee life, new job (that i helped him get by eriting his personal statement a month or so ago... I know im stupid). Im screwing up my life. Flower im a mess x
Posted by runnergirl on 6-Aug-12 11:12 GMT
Sing with me 'f**king tyres!''. I thought that yesterday when i opened an elec bill that was clearly wrong as its over 1k and i thought...blooming perfect. One more thing to sort out. I wish i was there. I could help you with the tyres. One of the first things i did on my own after i left my ex was pump my own tyres up. I was so pleased with myself. Sad that things had got so bad i praised myself for pumpibg up a tyre...but still.
Thanks nessi xxx for your support and being there
Posted by runnergirl on 6-Aug-12 11:19 GMT
Anyone who wasn't couldn't get to where you are now I just think you are beating yourself help for not healing quicker but it takes time runnergirl. You will be angry, i still am but its the anger and hurt that keep me away from him so he can never betray me again. Its good that you know you don't want to go back to your parents as if its the easy route. That would be the same for me too but that takes strength. I have really been helped by a few very close friends who know everything, but like you I feel that they must be sick if hearing the same old same old. They don't get fed up as they can see we've made the move to stop the abuse and will continue to support us until we are through the other side. I could not have got to where i am now without the 3 girls and this forum. I haven't heard you say poor me its always them isn't it. You are not screwing up your life it will get back on track but stop being so hard on yourself and start trying to find the things that made you happy before. Sending you virtual strength and hugs Love Nessi on my way to order tyres although not sure where the 600 euros will come from! xx
Posted by nessi on 6-Aug-12 11:55 GMT
Neither is right for you, you ned to get stronger away from their draining contacts and destructive demands!
I sense you're stronger because you reflections are so perceptive and you are seeing through their manipulations. You could do with this spots break and with leaving your mobile behind!
Posted by Flowerchild on 6-Aug-12 11:55 GMT
Ive got the day off....so ive come for a run. i dont like being angry. I feel angry at myself for always easing his pain. Telling him i forgave him over and over again. Helping him all the time after id left. I feel angry because i still care.keep thinking...my god...do i not have more self respect. I think the self doubt has always and still is really...so bad that im just not confident or self assured enpugh tp say 'ypu did hurt me. It was not acceptable. You have not changed. And that is why its over'. But linstead.i say 'its ok. Its nopt your fault. I know you were depressed. I know it wasnt easy'. And when he asks to see me...i make excuses up like my parents might be coming. Still not strong enough to say no.... Ive learned you are abusive. Does this ever change? The self dpubt. I can admit to other people hpw bad it was.....some of the worst abuse i still hide and hope to talk through on here one day....but to him.... I cant seem to say it for fear of upsetting him x hope the tyre fitting goes well. 600 euros...grrrr. just think.how many shoes you cpuld buy! Still. Once its done its done and another thing youve sorted on your own. Much better sense of achievement! X
Posted by runnergirl on 6-Aug-12 14:33 GMT
My ex and my parents have watched me sink, drown, flail around trying to swim and gasp for air and just.....done nothing. Well my ex has laughed, kicked, grabbed and abused....but nothing helpful. But now when i do feel at the bottom. They want to be there. When i think about it...i wasnt sinking before..more like they were.pulling me down. Left alone i may of floated...but they criticised and pulled me to bits...told me which bits i needed to change, they didnt like, werent right...... I didnt want help before...because i was ok at the start... This has made me think. Do they want me to sink so they can swoop and 'rescue'. Have they aided the sinking? To.make me powerless or feel useleas now.so i go back?for 'help'.? With my ex...patterns were a bit like boot camp....pep you up...pull you down...pep you up...pull ypu down.....is this part of the control?x
Posted by runnergirl on 6-Aug-12 14:46 GMT
and they saw a chance to get you back at their beck and call. They're probably still hoping for that outcome. It's not rescue so much as kidnap that they're after, I think!
You keep free and thinking for yourself, Runnergirl!
Posted by Flowerchild on 6-Aug-12 22:33 GMT
Quite literally, crying in a heap on the floor. This turnes quickly into anger and fruatration....and then moved into deep thinking and starting to see things a bit more clearly. Came home and washed up (its been there.a.while building up), cleaned and moved my bedroom around. Its much better. He rang...but i did manage to ignore.the phone and not text back or ring back. Its really upsetting me tonight. I feel im being horrible. But i bet he is not so bothered. I couldnt brong myself to.move some teddies.he bought me. I just got upset and i dont want to do too much too soon else i cant seem to deal with day to day things and shut down. if i con myself into doing small things im telling myself arent a big deal it seems to help.
I.seem to be between believing whats happened and not.... One minute ok and.concluding whats happened. The next im denying that 'he would ever do this'. Am i mad? Why cant i just believe what i know has happened?
Posted by runnergirl on 6-Aug-12 23:17 GMT
Hello Runner girl, I think this happens as we can only cope with so much at a time, bit by bit you are working through what has happened and accepting the reality and all the emotions involved.It's right to do this at your own pace. Bombarding yourself will only make you ill, you are doing well so far , give yourself time. It takes time , so proud of how you are doing, you should be proud of yourself too x x x
Posted by MJ on 6-Aug-12 23:35 GMT
definitely not mad. But suffering and going in an out of denial, I think. You know it's true, rationally, but it's such a horrible truth you don't want to believe it so you find detours round the truth to protect yourself. When you accept it and face it fully it's quite a scary truth.
Leave the teddies if you want to - they won't complain and they won't tell!
You're making huge progress here - you were basically in denial 100% of the time a few months back! Now you're just a visitor. Soon you'll be an occasional tourist and before you know it it will just be a place in your memory.
Well done for the no contact!
Baby steps will get you there...
Posted by Flowerchild on 6-Aug-12 23:36 GMT
I think i am slightly better. When i started going for councilling jan 2011, i couldnt even say the words abuse or even think it in my head for fear he would be angry with me. Weirdly, i think i was convinced he could read the thoughts in my head and i felt sick with guilt for thinking badly of him. I went to all my friends asking one. By one if it was horrible behaviour. I think i was looking for the one friend who would say it was me and my fault for why he is the way he is. I just couldnt bear to even consider it.
Today i have huge pangs of guilt of whether im doing the right thing. Whether im being harsh to him. Thats the teddies i think...i kept thinking...he must care, love me, cant be horrible if hes bought me these. I like pigs..he always bought me pig teddies. Other things like that which are personal and thoughtful. I hate myself fplor questioning that someone buying a present isnt nice...? But i guess as women say on here, we wouldnt stay if it were all nasty.
Somedays i try and dampen my thoughts out about him. Telll myself im over dramatuc and hes not nasty or abusive. Its so hard. But i do think this is me denying the hurt and pain. Thanks flower and mj x
Posted by runnergirl on 7-Aug-12 06:19 GMT
...am so proud of you.....you are making great strides forward and getting so much stronger......look at all the positive steps you've made...writing down chapters of your abuse.....tackling housework......re-organizing your bedrooom....going to work...running....sorting bills....and more importantly...and this is a biggie...NOT answering his text or responding straight away to your abuser......how fantastic was that!......i am not always on here....just dipping in and out when i can....but i can see the big improvement......and it's fantastic to see...it means you are on the home run...you are right to believe in yourself ...keep your distance as much as you can from those who are dragging you down....ie abuser and family.......you are getting better and better and more confident......it took time and mistakes for all of us survivors to get to a comfortable place so don't be too hard on yourself...you are allowed bad days as well as good days....oh! and keep writing down your experiences even if you don't post them on here.....writing it all down gets it out of your head and out of your system .....it also makes it all real and proves to yourself you did not imagine all the abuse...and he really was that bad an abuser......
keep up the good work.....
much love and hugs
Posted by SIS on 7-Aug-12 15:20 GMT
Didnt do as well yesterday afternoon. Answered the phone to him....thought i was ok. He was chatty, said hes bored, alone etc...sick of doing things on his own. Asked when im likely to see him again and like him again (haha he laughed as if im just doing all this as a joke). He joked about the thing i needed to sort me out was a good hard f**k. I get that hes joking....well he would say he was if i picked him up on this....'whats wrong with you....you used to be able to tal
Ke a.joke...this is me. Im not going to change who i am' he would say. Anyway i got off the phone and tried to be ok. Not think.about it. I went to the pool for a swim. Something that normally relaxes me. But i had one of the worst anxiety attacks ive had in ages. I didnt see it coming. I kept thinking i had hurt a muscle in the pool, went breathless, then my heart pounded, my legs ached insanely and i felt so sick. I ran out the pool thinkjng i might just be a bit hungry. But after consuming the most horrific portion of rice etc...i still felt ill. I wept on the phone to my mum, convincced i was dying or had something really wrong with me then after a bit...the aches went. Then my breathing returned to normal and i stopped feeling sick. I was nortified for getting in such a state. I dont want my mum to hear me like that. It means she will tell my dad and then he will be angry im upsetting the family. But i didnt want to call my ex as he would be the person id normally call. Thing is, i was so convinced i was dying i wasnt that far away from calling him. I felt so pathetic after id calmed down. I went for a.walk in.the evening and did feel alot better getting the fresh air. Seeing the trees etc... But im worried ill never move forwards. These anxiety attacks seem to happen everytime i do anything new, move his things, when he asks to see me, when i do things he wouldnt like, when i do things he would say is unfair to him like going to the cinena alone. I feel trapped by them. Thankyou for having faith in me. I hope i will get there x hope you are ok too?x
Posted by runnergirl on 8-Aug-12 07:49 GMT
this is my life too
Posted by courage on 8-Aug-12 08:30 GMT
Hope you're feeling better now.
This sounds like a fullblown panic attack and they are very scary - they do make you think you're dying! But you've got it sussed, haven't you? You've linked it to contact with him and taking control of your own life. Every time you speak to him, there's a panic somewhere inside as part of you knows you need to run away from him as hard as you can go because he's sooooo toxic! And look - he doesn't change, he doesn't want to change, he just wants you to 'come to your senses' and get back under his control again. No wonder you panic! And when you plan or do anyhting he wouldn't approve of or would feel left out of, bang, there it goes again. You're so conditioned to being obedient and trying to please him that you punish yourself when you 'defy' him! Now you know what it is and what triggers it you can cut them down by cutting the contact, and also by just standing by reay for one whenever you claim a bit more of you life and thinking back. They will surely diminish and one day you will realise they have stopped. You are on the right track and understanding so much - you really have made enormous progress!
Roll on the day when you can do what you please, ignore him and never have another panic attack in your life!
And don't worry about your mum and dad - they will gripe whatever you do, so just ignore any contact if your dad tries it on - he's just another abuser, sad to say.
Posted by Flowerchild on 8-Aug-12 09:51 GMT
G Im actually glad it happened today in a way. If that makes any sense at all. It did make me start to link my anxiety to him. And also everytime i try and break the control...which has really helped me understand why i went back last time. The thing that happened yesterday was happening but i didnt understand why. The nightsweats coupled by anxiety attacks (which at the time i thought were because i couldnt live without him.. which in a way is true i guess...like a drug addict feels they cant live withput drugs?)....but actually they were what happened yesterfay afternoon. I felt so so ill. I ended up going back because feeling that way made me feel it was either a choice of going back to him and temporarily makibg it stop...which of course it did when i spoke to him and got a bit of the drug...or continuing as i was, panics, nightsweats, anxiety and im ashamed to say...suicidal. i think if id of npt gone back last time, i would of ended my life. I didnt understand what was happening to me. I didnt understand abuse. I didnt question him. I didnt believe he would abuse me. This is why i truely believe this forum has saved my life because ive had support to try and understand whats happening and has happened to me. The temptation to call my ex last night was there a bit. Had the anxiety attack continued an hr longer i may of. I dont knoe. But today i feel ive learned something from it. Thankyou for being there. This is the hardest thing ive ever been through.x
Posted by runnergirl on 8-Aug-12 11:47 GMT
I'm so sorry you had such anawful experience yesterday. Panic attacks are terrifying and always feel like physical symptoms, which of course makes you more afraid.
I'm glad you've made the connection between contact with him and feeling this way. I think no contact is the only way to go to help you to heal and begin to move forward. What he said yesterday was really insulting and minimising your pain. Please try to cut all contact with him, you're only going to feel worse every time you speak to him.
Posted by WA Moderator on 8-Aug-12 16:33 GMT
....we can see that on here.....well done brave lady....about the anxiety/panic attacks......i know its frightening but you will gain control over them slowly......getting out for a walk or run in the fresh air is great for both the adrenaline boost and getting oxygen to the brain...helps you think more clearly and rationally.........you will have the odd bad day...we all have those.. so don't be too hard on yourself... but the funny thing is that when you surface from the bad day and start to recognize what happened...what caused it....you start to feel stronger and suddenly you have a new energy boost....before you know it ..the good days start merging together...and you start feeling good about yourself.....
.....Lisa is right though honey, you have to try and reinforce the 'No Contact Rule' to stop him from trying to control you and poisoning your mind .....trust me all of us who have broken this rule have regretted it and let our abuser into our head to drag us down once again......and if blocking your parents off to save your sanity helps ...do it...YOU are what matters now.....be kind to yourself.....do something nice for yourself every day Runnergirl...and tell yourself you deserve it ...because you do and you are worth it.....those baby steps are reaching a canter...keep going ...you're doing great......
much love and hugs
Posted by SIS on 8-Aug-12 20:39 GMT
I am laying in bed feeling sick with guilt. He doesnt know im going away. Ive not told him. He rang and called to see how i am today. I replied to texts but not the call. It feels so awful of me. From seeing each other everyday. Loving him. Sitting nect to him. Planning things with him. To this...having to contemplate NO contact at all. I cant do it. I know i cant. He will think im being horrible, unfair and call me ridiculous. He doesnt see hes done anything wrong. Hes convinced that his '' depression'' did this to me. He wouldnt comprehend why i suddenly changed from texting and speaking nicely to him to cutting him out completely. Im heart broken. I cant do this. i cant. I dont want to go away. Why did i think i could? Why do i deserve any better? Why do i deserve to go away? Whats so special.about me? Im a disgusting horrible excuse for.a human being. I hate myself for.evwn trying to move away from him. Im a pathetic liar. For not telling him. For leaving him. Sorry x but its true.
Posted by runnergirl on 8-Aug-12 23:51 GMT
and start focussing on your needs and entitlements. You know he'll never see it any other way because he is an abuser and doesn't do empathy or caring for others.
Why would you wait for him to comprehend and approve what you're doing? It will never happen. He will never offer you freedom, you can only take it from him.
You owe this cruel man nothing. Nothing in the world. You're not lying to him, you're living your life. You totally deserve to have a break and a treat. And remember to turn your phone off for the time being so you can just enjoy yourself.
If you need strengthening to do this, just read back your typical weekend day and that will stiffen your resolve!
You totally can do this!
Posted by Flowerchild on 8-Aug-12 23:59 GMT
Trying to work.out which bits he was abusive and which.didnt. i just feel...im kidding myself. I dont believe i deserve better. I.dont love myself. I look.at myself.and.see.a.fat, ugly, pathetic.wreck.of.a.human being. Panicking at everything. Losing everything. Trying to pretend to everyone.that i will.be.ok..But inside i feel no more worthy of a.break than him. So so many.things are worrying me tonight. The fact i cant pick up. The anxiety. My eating habits are bizarre. I eat too much and dont think. I used to love my body. Now im destroying.it. i worry that ill never forgive myself for.leaving him. Hes alone. He.doesnt have anyone.else. he.really.doesnt. he.doesnt go.out much. Deep.inside.i think he is.quite an insecure and.under confident person. I really do think.this. i dont want him to feel and be.alone. alot of.the women.on here seem to be able.to.be.angry.for.the.abuse. say their.abusive partners are wrong.and.nasty. i worry.i cant.do this...does.this.mean.he wasnt.as.bad? Perhaps.he.wasnt.as.abusive? I.domt.know. ive lost my way. I miss him x
Posted by runnergirl on 9-Aug-12 00:23 GMT
You care so much for him but he is totally toxic for you. I think you can only love him safely from a distance because his 'love' for you is destructive.
He has his mother and his sister and they are not mean to him like he tried to make you believe in order to get you to feel sorry for him! If he is alone it is because he has driven good, kind people away by his cruel treatment of them. You would like to help and fix him but you've tried it and it doesn't work. He may be fixable, but not by you. You truly can't fix this man - he needs expertise you haven't got.If you try again to fix him it will destroy you.
I really don't think you're actually considering going back, you know too much of what would happen, I think you are just having a massive wobble.
That's OK, you wobble away, let the feelings just wash through and out. Just be on the bus or whatever for that break tomorrow because you've earned it, Runnergirl!
Posted by Flowerchild on 9-Aug-12 00:34 GMT
Drove around last night trying to think. Dad, mum, all my friends...they would go.mad if i went back. But then i told myself...but i should follow my heart. My heart seems to lead to him. My head doesnt. But my heart still does after everything. That nice side still hooks me in. I love him. He gets along with his mum...but thats all. He tolerates his sister. But the rest.of his family he says are idiots and he doesnt like them. He has dyslexia so struggles with writing and things. I used to help him with cv's etc... I have to say i did a few weeks ago. He doesnt do much other than play video games when im not there. When i am there he seems more bpuncey. Sorry. I know i must sound mad. I thought of all the reasons why i should go back last night. I know i dont want to marry him as i would then be trapped....but i do want to be with him. Love him. But i dont want the abuse. If it was abuse. I still question this sometimes. What a mess i am today x
Posted by runnergirl on 9-Aug-12 07:32 GMT
Why do so many of us think that it's up to us to fix the abuser in our lives, I don't understand it. After thirty years the penny has dropped they will never change because we allow them to abuse us, why should they.
So many have said "is it abuse" we blame ourselves. But if a complete stranger came up to us and did what our abuser does to us, we would call the police would we not?
Posted by empty on 9-Aug-12 07:51 GMT
you and your love cannot mend him. You cannot fix him. It would take a qualified shrink a long time and he would have to be willing - your ex that is.
Hun, they manage to destroy even the most grounded ladies with their abuse. You are recovering from years of mental anguish and torture, you must take care of yourself.
That concern you feel for him is misplaced. Try to turn that emotion on yourself. You need caring for, you need concern.
It's not time to get off this rollercoaster hun. The ride hasn't stopped and if you get off now there's a big drop. Hold on to the bar, cling on. I'm sat there too - clinging on as well. One of your hands has come off but I'm taking hold of your hand and we hold on together. xXx
Posted by Chloe on 9-Aug-12 08:06 GMT
If he chooses to fritter his life away on games, that's his choice, let him do it.
Don't become his game of choice again and let him waste yours, too.
Hold on to Chloe's hand, and we're all here cheering you on!
Posted by Flowerchild on 9-Aug-12 09:41 GMT
On self destruct. Ive had my blood tests back. Im anaemic again. Trouble is i think its my fault. Ive been so careless with my tablets. I dont care somedays if i miss them. I dont feel i care about myself at all. Yesterday all i ate was demerera sugar cubes, gallons of tea and cakes. I hate myself so much. I know what im doing is destroying myself but i dont feel i love myself to care. I am allergic to certain foods yet i eat them thinking 'i dont care'. I know im exhauating myself. I know its hurting me when he contacts me. But i feel i dont care enough or i think what it actually is when i think properly...is ive run out of energy before the finishing line. Im tired and have lost the ability to cling onto hope of me being whp i want to be. Whoever and whatever that is. Sometimes id get to a point with my ex where i wpuld just say to him when he threatened me 'just do your worst. I dont care anymore.' That explains alot with the sexual side of the relationship. I would just lay there. Just a body. My mind was elsewhere. Id just switch off all the time. Get it over with i would think and i just didnt care. I must hate myself to get tp that point. Ive never tackled or mentioned the sex part to him. So i guess its not his fault. Id cry after it everytime. Or hurry to the loo or out the room. My point is...i see myself asvrubbish. I dont feel i really believe i deserve better. I think ive pushed myself to book the spa because everyone around me is so focused on how im npt moving fast enough through this. Im not doing good enough. Ny dad said the other day 'its been a long time (runnergirl) when does this end?'. I tried to explain what ive learned on here that 7 months healing isnt that long but hes convinced if i go home, get my head into working with him...that my mind will get rid of the abuse and ill be ok. I know that wont work. Oh i just dont know. i know i need to pick up, love myself, but i dont know if i ever will x thanks chloe. Ill hold your hand today. And ill try my hardest to get away. Ive pushed my arrival time back as i have been so upset but i can still go. Meant to be there by 4 x
Posted by runnergirl on 9-Aug-12 12:03 GMT
They might feed you! And you need pampering a bit, whether you think you deserve it or not. You're running on empty, that's the problem.
You dad is not an expert on recovery from dv, and your ex saw and heard enough to know you were desperately unhappy with your sex life but he didn't change what he was doing to make things right for you, did he?
None of these things are your daily.
Pack the car and get off, out will do you good.
Posted by Flowerchild on 9-Aug-12 12:35 GMT
Just abour everything but the kutchen sink. Bit ive packed. I will try and go.flower. i feel pathetic coming on here getting in a state about something that should be nice i have packed the lundy bancroft book. I feel reading it brings a bit of calm. My exs actions in print under the label of abuse.
I know my ex was aware. I read a helpful dv sheet my councillor gave me today. It goes through common myths of domestic violence and abuse. The teo that i read alot are...he can control what he did so it was a choice...because he was only abusive to ME. And he cannot label the cause of being abusive to stressvand depresssion because he could control himsrlf st work and with others. Only me did the abuse come out on. He would say that you take it put on those closest to you though.
I think im scared of coming to the end of this maze. The result is likely to be that he is an abuser. I dont want that to br true x
Posted by runnergirl on 9-Aug-12 13:42 GMT
You can and you are doing so well Sorry havent been around last few days. I am wishing you well, knowledge is power so get on with that reading, it certainly helped me and lots of us survivors. It is all so hard to comprehend isn't but you and me and all of us never deserved what we got but we can do something positive just as you are doing now by packing up your car. Its so so hard but I know you will get there. Take care of yourself be kind to yourself and enjoy what you can. Much love Nessi x
Posted by nessi on 9-Aug-12 13:59 GMT
Hi honey, I've just caught up on this whole post.
Please please get in that car and go, a few days away to relax is just what Dr Neverforget and I am sure Nurse Flower orders too!
We are going to hold our hand to the end of this maze, now go have a facial, massage and pedicure for me.....BRIGHT RED SHINY TOE NAILS!
Posted by Neverforget on 9-Aug-12 14:04 GMT
....you are on your way....you so need this break.....and as Flower says they will feed you there!!!.....and you must eat even if small amounts....the odd banana....a sandwich.....why not treat yourself to your favourite take-away?......seems to me the evenings are hardest for you . have you thought about trying to change the pattern of your evening a little......maybe go to the gym then.....go to a movie....book a beauty treatment.....join an evening class.....and above all Runnergirl do not touch alcohol in the evening....it clouds your head, your judgement, your whole thinking process........not answering the phone to him is good....hopefully soon you will be able to ignore his texts.....and yes then you will see Mr Angry and Nasty coming out of his box......you already recognize he can be nice to other people including stangers....so why is he nasty to you?.....all of ours were the same....nasty to us....nice to others.....its all about control...manipulation ...and Him being the centre of the universe.......the girls are right....you cannot fix him....not even sure he can do that....you see dearest r/girl we have all tried to fix ours at some stage or other....and we couldn't and never will....because their wiring is all wrong...there is a missing link somewhere.....you keep on reading.......accumulating information.....eating properly ...getting some sleep.....leaning on us here......keeping your distance from the abusers and critics.........your pain will lessen i promise .....and you will have control over the reins of your life soon....
...and Runnergirl why not pop into your local healthfood shop and get a homeopathic /herbal remedy to help you sleep at night....worth a try!...
....we are right with you here....forward march always..
much love and hugs
Posted by SIS on 9-Aug-12 14:50 GMT
Post again when you get there, will you?
And if you're still dithering, grab those car keys and vamoose! You'll be able to think about it all there, too, you know, and it might get clearer in your mind.
Posted by Flowerchild on 9-Aug-12 15:04 GMT
i hope you went but if you didn't - it doesn't matter. Remember that, sometimes we try things and it's just too much and that's ok. Btw, my counsellor said that 7 months in nothing timewise in terms of recovery. He said it's like grief but more complex so that makes the journey longer. So - not being funny, what does your father know about recovery from DV and post traumatic stress? Nowt - cld probably write it on a postage stamp. So, basically i'm saying it's normal and ok to be struggling - given what you've been through. I do hope you're enjoying a spa treatment as I write this... wish i was there too having a facial - i love those. Enjoy. xXx
Posted by Chloe on 9-Aug-12 19:13 GMT
I totally messed up yesterday. Totally. But i have come away. I didnt sleep at all last night. Yesterday was horrific. Like leaving him all over again. I tried to go for a run to think things through and get in thr mindset to drive to the hotel but i had another anxiety attack. I unpacked and just broke down totally. Im so sorry i did text him in the endn i just miss him so much. I just said i wasnt ok and hadnt been well in reply to his are you ok text. He just said i will be fine and to stop stressing. That was all i needed though his words, him just saying i will be fine. I then believed i would be fine and the anxiety attsck calmed. I pscked up the car and set off to the hotel. Had to make a few stops to breathe on the way. Im ashamed thpugh. I have.no real achievemrnt getting here. I stil depend on him so much. He doesnt know im herr. I bet i am the only woman here who was in such a state coming to whats supposed to be something nice. I feel dreadful this morning. He texted he misses me...but i got it only this morning as there is no signal in my bedroom. I feel thats a good thing but i worry he will find out im not home if he calls and be hurt ive come sway. Its crazy to feel like this i know he dumped me then i refused to go back 7 months ago....yet i feel im the only who is a cruel, unforgiving person. I laid in bed lsst night wrscking my brain for ways the relationship could work. Hes convinced its my parents that are keeping me away. I dont think he honestly believes i could make a decision myself. Sometimes i wonder. Ive come downstairs to look out. Im surrounded by trees, a pond with ducks and theres blue sky. Im trying to tell myself this morning that 7 months ago, i wouldnt of done this. At the same time though, as much as i wouldnt of come away and not told him....i would maybe of been able to come with my mum...told him but i wpuld have to call and text all the time so i think thats where the difference is...i am trying to stop myself from checking in with him, telling him what im doing and when im doing it. I feel ashamed this morning ladies. I feel ive let everyone down so far. Not reached where i shpuldve reached. I have promised myself ill stay till sunday. I have to try. I see people here happy and relaxing and i feel twisted up inside so im hoping at least some of that will ease. The food here looks quite nice and they have my allergies written down so i guess thst removes my temptation to torture myself with eating foods that make me feel poorly because i cant think or decide whether im hungry or not most of the time let alone what i fancy! Sorry for rambling on. Im so so grateful to you all for the messages. So grateful. I really do want to get through this. This feels like the next step somehow but im not sure what i need to do. I do look arpund me at the people here and it had made me recognise.just how poorly i treat myself and have allowed him to treat me. There is no chance of a raised voice here and the people all speak so calmly!! I will keep posting throughout the day if thats alright? I actuslly feel a bit better coming to the end of this waffly post than i did at the beginning. Im going to go for a bike ride later on as you can hire them here for free. X
Posted by runnergirl on 10-Aug-12 07:29 GMT
Dr Chloe precribes - eating loads of good food and just trying to give your mind and body a little rest.
I'm off to work now - wish i was at a spa place though!
Posted by Chloe on 10-Aug-12 07:40 GMT
I really do.
Thanks so much for your support yesterday xx im very grateful xxx
Posted by runnergirl on 10-Aug-12 08:06 GMT
Ive been reading your posts too and i just think you are amazing. Youve come so far. I went back to my ex last year and before that countless times. I guess the psin being without them gets too much or we get convinced they have or will change. Im happy you got the strength to want for better for you. You deserve it. So much xxx
Posted by runnergirl on 10-Aug-12 08:09 GMT
You are stronger than you think, stop beating yourself up you have done brilliantly! Enjoy the peace around you and fill your lungs with some of that fresh air. Simple pleasures really feed your soul at times when you need strength. Wish I could be there too! Am away for much of this weekend (working) so sending you love for a restful enjoyable week-end . Love Nessi x
Posted by nessi on 10-Aug-12 08:49 GMT
Yes. Im trying to breathe in the air and sunny environment. I spoke to my mum earlier. I thought shed be so happy id managed to get away...but actually she made me feel like i am really selfish being here. I could hear her wanting to say 'i see you can go to a spa but you wont come home'. I dont want to go home. I dont find it restful or relaxing and im sad to say they make me feel so much wprse about myself, the abuse, and who i am as a person. To them im wrong in so many ways...the fact im not there now i can tell will be annoying them. I wish i could get them all out of my mind....i think part of the reason i stayed with my ex was because id flit between running from him to them....and then when i couldnt cope with the constant picking and criticising at home...id run to my ex. I feel a very weak person for doing this. I want tp say to them all...i dont like being around you. You make me feel useless and not worthy of nice treatment....but i never will. I get so far then hate myself for thiking it...but i do feel angry sometimes. Why do thry think thry are ok to be nasty? To poke and prod? To criticise? I wanted mum to say she was proud of me for pushing through and getting to this point....but its not enough i guess. Till im married, with children, living next door to them and working for my dsd...ill continue to be told im not right or ok x sorry. My mum just crushed me this morning xxx
Posted by runnergirl on 10-Aug-12 09:17 GMT
Oh runnergirl, I'm soooo glad you found the courage to get away for a bit, it will be so good for you in every way. I've no doubt that you are probably feeling nervous/scared, but that is totally understandable and accecptable, I was the same when I went off on my little jaunt, but I didn't let it stop me from doing things. I was determined to have a go at what "normal" people did!
I went away for a few days because I desperately wanted a break from the vortex I was in, I needed a "pause button" just so I could take a breather and recharge my batteries. I never ever thought I would be "allowed" to go on my own without "him", but I had to go despite what he thought, I had to go to save my sanity (I really was on my knees...it was a choice of driving to the B&B or to the local mental health hospital!).
Looking back, I realise just what a great thing I did, how beneficial it was to me, the sense of achievement and more importantly it made me realise that I didn't have to have anyones approval to go.....the world didn't come to an end...and I found on my return home a slight shift in my family's behaviour towards me, they could sense my new found strength and showed me more respect....I wasn't as weak as they thought and it shook them up a bit to think that I had an independant brain of my own.
Runnergirl, there may be parts of this break that you find a bit of a challenge, things that you are not used to doing, but see them as just minor hurdles that will score you "feel good" points for eveyone that you jump. The finishing line is freedom and you are definately getting there, you may not see it but the rest of us on here can and we are cheering you on, just stay on track and YOU WILL GET THERE.
What you are doing now will give you a good "marker" of your strength and abilities in the future. If you find yourself struggling at some point when you get home, you will always have these couple of days to look back on, it will make you realise just what a great thing you did and how strong you were to book it and go. You see, you are stronger than you think!
Please try to use this time to think about YOU. Let people pamper you, spoil/treat yourself, and take advantage of your surroundings to clear your head.
I wish you all the best,
(I'm so glad you found the courage to go, I've gone all tingly ha ha!!)
Posted by bemsie on 10-Aug-12 09:29 GMT
If your phone wasn't on (re; no contact), I guess you wouldn't have spoken to your mum and you wouldn't be feeling crushed right now.
Switch your phone off hun, just try it for these couple of days...see it as one of those "hurdles" I mentioned earlier!
I stopped using using my mobile phone about six months ago because most calls I recieved were, in one way or another, from people asking me to "do this, that, or the other", or "off-loading" their problems onto me (I couldn't deal with my own let alone anyone elses!).
It was strange at first but I'm glad I don't have one now....can't be doing with all the hassle they bring. I know I'm a bit "odd" not having a mobile but my point is...you can get by without being contacted for a few days.
And for what it's worth, I think that as far as texts go......WORDS ARE CHEAP!
Go and make the most of your break, you deserve it, you really do!
Posted by bemsie on 10-Aug-12 09:57 GMT
Thankyou so much.. i know what you mean about being on your knees. I didnt think id get off.mine ans get here. Its so nice. But it is making me think.alot about the past 17 years of my life and where i am now. For.the first time without someone i have to explain everything to i guess. Id like to say i dont have anyond controlling me...but the truth is i do feel if the.emptional tppls were used by my family or.my ex....i think.id end.up.going running. I worry about that. Inside im really proud i did.get away. My brother is travelling europe. My other brother ia atrong and very self assured with his own business...i feel pathetic for being proud to of made it away...but to me, knowing i was where i was 7mpnths ago...and before.that....its really amazed me. Ive realised my body and mind are totally battrred. They feel it. The scars in my mind are deep and i do wonder if they will ever heal sometimes. Im a very trusting person. I do let people in deep and dont question but this has.made me not want anyone in or.part of my life. I dont want to trust anypne.not to control.me. i didnt know "he'' was so.badly. im thinking of dping some drawing later. I used to like my art. Thankyou for the kind words. They mean the world to me....and those.words are real i promise. Ive said.so many timeabi would probably of gone.back by now.if.it.wasnt.for.this.place with you all cx
Posted by runnergirl on 10-Aug-12 12:46 GMT
Well,...... he and they can only control you if you let them!
As for your brothers, have they ever been in your situation?!! (probably not). Don't try to compare yourself to them, they're men for a start, the world is a completely different place for them!
Don't waste your mental energy on "what ifs and if only's". Anyway, as for your brother travelling Europe......who's to say that you won't be travelling the "World" when you are out of this current situation?! (anything is possble, just don't let anyone put (mental) restrictions on you)
In a way it's good to see that you acknowledge that you have been "battered" although I wouldn't say totally. It's these little realisations that you need to discover in order to take steps to mend, and you are, you really are.
It will take a while before you can start to trust again, it's not a bad thing, it's self-preservation that's all. Alot of us are like it on here, who can blame us!
Are you beginning to see now that a change of scenery is allowing you to reflect, something you couldn't do at home. You have got many friends on here giving you some absolutely great advice and answers, I should imagine it's hard to take it all onboard sometimes. But be assured, if you keep listening to the ladies on here, you can't go wrong, as hard as it gets sometimes, just keep leaning on our shoulders and you'll be ok.
I sense a change in you, a really good one. It's like you're turning a corner.
Will let you get on with your drawing (I used to be good at that too), let the thoughts come and go, good or bad, let them flow, it's the ideal thing to be doing to clear your head.
Ooooo, I 'm so envious of your trip, think I might have to look into doing it again myself! Wish us ladies could all get together and have a girlie weekend away, wouldn't that be fab hey?!!!!
Enjoy yourself sweetie.
Posted by bemsie on 10-Aug-12 14:05 GMT
....your courage is fantastic......you got yourself to the hotel despite your trepidation.....listen to yourself assess the situation?.......you are seeing people....family...yourself...food!...through different eyes....your eyes are open, alert to your surroundings......you are part of a real world.....not the cocoon he or your family built around you.........don't worry about the odd blip...we all have those.......the important thing is that you have the rationale and bravery to face it and see things for what they really are......the bike ride sounds great...i used to live riding my bike......you enjoy yourself and eat all the food you like....a nice massage or facial thrown in would just be the ticket too!!!!!!!.....god i miss those!.....the longer you can keep your phone switched off the better for you...try it for a day and see....
much love and hugs
Posted by SIS on 10-Aug-12 17:29 GMT
Firstly - yes it would be ABSOLUTELY fab to get all the ladies on here together for a girly weekend. It was strange you saying this as I was thinking how lovely it would be - what everyone may look like and how we would all just give one another a big hug. It would be so nice. Thank you for your message (and messages) - Its nice having the forum to keep coming on and going back to - I had a massage earlier but it didn't go to plan. Laying on my tummy, closing my eyes, all I thought about a day when I saw him after this xmas and the tears began to roll down my cheeks. I just saw his face, he was crying on the stairs - I was crying too and was on the floor in a heap - this was just after he had lost it and I had ''left'' but he had been ill so I was going round to make sure he was ok and to 'talk'. I ended up staying for 3 nights - I think more for comfort than anything else - we just laid and held each other. I wonder if he knew I would not be coming back. Its these times that devastate me - why did he have to be abusive and so cruel when we could of been happy? I just couldn't stop the tears - fortunately the lady was massaging my legs so couldn't see my face - but I worry everytime I stop and sit - let myself think about it all - it just overwhelms me - so I spend most of the time just pushing it to the back of my mind. I wont listen to ''our music'', I turn off anything on the tv that may cause my mind to think, I turn around when I go past a site with memories, I just cannot seem to face anything. I am literally spending my life avoiding being upset as it just feels like it will consume me.
I went for a nice bike ride after the tears came. It was good to get some fresh air - I haven't been on a bike ride in over 5 years. Was a little wobbly to start with - (and my bum is a bit sore!! The saddle was hard!) but it was lovely flying down the hills at top speed. Nice to get out and see the countryside.
Perhaps drawing tonight will come - I tried but found sitting still was just impossible - I think. And that is dangerous for me at the moment.
My ex has called - he doesn't know where I am and I am becoming increasingly anxious about that - I a, tempted to just text and say Im away for a few days but I know he will ask where and strike up conversation - I will then talk back and I just don't know whether I can. He is being nice- being normal so I feel terrible for ignoring the calls - I feel I am being really nasty and cruel.
Thank you for saying you see a change - inside I really am not sure - like I said, I worry Im just getting better and better at avoiding the tears and confronting it all - I ran from him - and to be honest, I really don't think I have stopped running - I really don't. Sitting or thinking has just become something I try and avoid. Im scared if I do stop - I will have to face him. And I know it is not something I can do again - not at the moment. Is this a bad thing?
Posted by runnergirl on 10-Aug-12 18:36 GMT
If this is what having my eyes open feels like - it really does feel a lot different. That must be what it is when I think about it - I do feel a little bit like a rabbit peaking out of a hole. I guess I used to be more like a rabbit in headlights - frozen solid and daring not to move. I do feel very on edge and uncomfortable - it really has made me see how strange my life is coming here. The things I eat, the way I live (I only venture from home - work - gym/pool - supermarket....home - work - etc...) and I think this is because these were my zones when with him - I feel almost ok doing this as in some way - he will know where I am. And he does, The texts pop in with ''hope you had a nice swim''....''hope work has been ok today''. It makes me feel like we are still together. I don't think I want to accept its over. This is a huge thing for me - I don't think I have accepted that I wont go back this time. I don't believe it - I know it has to be true this time, has to be. I promised myself faithfully the last time I went back - that the next time I escaped - I had to not go back as it was killing me. But its so hard when he is being so nice and ''changed''. Its hard to cling onto the bad memories of the abuse and the horrific feelings i felt with him - the pain and anguish - when I have developed the most incredible ability to ''go to bed, forget it, wake up, put my clothes on, go to work, and pretend it never happened''. THis is how I lived for 8 years with him so now - constantly reminding myself and remembering what he did feels so so so unfair and uncomfortable. I guess the habit is to deny and minimise the abuse - so you can survive - now I guess I have to try and do the opposite to keep surviving? But its hard as this brings with it anxiety attacks and the tears that I am trying to run away from.
Thank you so much for your support - I really really am grateful.
xxxxxx hoping you are doing ok today? xxx
Posted by runnergirl on 10-Aug-12 18:47 GMT
...with him......and you know of course that his appearance at 'changing' is only a lure to snare the rabbit again........like my ex and all the others here ,he is never going to change ....he needs to control and manipulate you ...it's a drug to him.........you want the person you fell in love with .....the mr nice who told you he loved you and promised you eternal happiness...but surprise, surprise he turned out to be an abuser with his own agenda......who is too in love with himself .....a partner who loves us does not put us through such pain...and terror...anxiety......fear......and heartache.......you Runnergirl have turned a corner...you have started to see things more clearly in your head.....i think putting distance from him...and your parents.....is helping to give you perspective here......you carry on believing in yourself...and your own strength .......and power to overcome the demons......you are starting to take some control back...i and all the girls here are proud of you and are right with you......
much love ang hugs
PS: May not have internet access over w/end ...but will Monday.xx
Posted by SIS on 10-Aug-12 21:04 GMT