ARCHIVE - Life after abuse
hi i am new.
My ex partner has bi polar. i dont know if that is relevant. He emotionally abused me. He physically abused me. He isolated me. Then he raped me.
I ve gone from being the life and soul of the party to a nutcase. He left me. I didnt leave him. He accused me endlessly of having affairs. He called off our wedding because of my affairs. I never had an affair.
I had to sign for my wedding dress when it arrived covered in bruises. All his little tricks took away everything I have. He used to think I was getting up in the night to go and have sex with men downstairs. It got to a point where I suggested I slept with my leg tied to his to stop an argument in the mornings. He didnt live with me but he told me after I moved house that he had keys to my house and would go in and check for evidence. He told me my breath smelt of semen. He blames me for everything,
After the rape - which he refers to as "naughty sex" I pushed away all my friends.
I am scared. I dont miss him but I feel I will never trust another man again. It went on for a year. I am on waiting lists for therapy but it takes a long time... I didnt go to the police.
He convinced me that no one would believe me. Where do I go from here? I find myself starting arguments and i'm irrationally angry at everyone. somedays I cant get out of bed. I find myself chanting over and over again that I want to die. I drink too much. I put myself in dangerous situations. How the hell do I get back on my feet? I feel worthless. I used to be a clever, attractive, funny lady. I am convinced I will end up sectioned and everything he did to me will be swept under the carpet because all everyone sees now is a mad woman.
Please help me.
Created by livelearn2000 on 30-Jul-12 18:07 GMT
Have you left him?
I wish I could be of more help, please try calling the helpline and getting some support.
Posted by Butterfly1120 on 30-Jul-12 18:11 GMT
He left me. He's with someone else now. I hope she is ok. She looks like me.
Posted by livelearn2000 on 30-Jul-12 18:13 GMT
Concentrate on putting your life back together. He's actually done you a favour moving on, though he has left some wreckage in his wake.
I do think you should talk to the police about what he did to you. They will get you an IDVA and she will be a huge help. And can you chase up the GP and alert them that your need for counselling is pretty desperate? The helpline advertised on here is fabulous, too.
And keep posting on here because here are people who understand and will listen.
Hold on, lovely, because things WILL get better. This is not the end of your happiness and love of life!
Posted by Flowerchild on 30-Jul-12 19:07 GMT
talk to the police? I took him back!! He has thrown at me that he has text messages from me saying I love him - after he raped me. no one will believe it. after he raped me he sent me a message straight away - as I am still lying on the floor - saying "thank you for the meal but it is over between us now". He believes that he can paint me as some bitter ex annoyed that he started seeing someone else and dumped me. Oh, he is a world class manipulator.
I am so angry. He has played me like a fool. He threw pints over me in public places - I cant go back there because I am so embarassed, he kissed and touched my friends, he urinated on me, battered me over the year, he had all my passwords for emails, he took naked pictures of me at the start of our relationship - when I thought it was all good fun and I was carefree - now he regularly threatens to up load them on to the internet.
He knows that to go to the police - I will have to be questioned and stressed and in the state he has got me in - I will explode - again, making it look like I am crazy! I can't really even leave the house at the moment because I am so angry and irrational.
He has told me that pretty much my only way out of this is to top myself - then at least we will both know I am not going to see anyone else. He says it all - BUT - what he emails and texts are geared to make it look like I am a madwoman and he is a saint! My delightful caring ex boyfriend. But verbally - when it was just me and him - oh, he told me how it really was - about what a horrible person I am and how I ruined his life, about how he is going to make me pay so I remember that I am nothing. And I would apologise to him - on texts, on emails, I would grovel and beg and promise to try and be better - when all along I had done NOTHING.
I am so angry. I cant see any light at the end of the tunnel.
Posted by livelearn2000 on 30-Jul-12 19:39 GMT
....of course you are suffering!....he did that not you.....the only good thing he did was leaving ...otherwise he would have dragged you further down......you will be a clever, funny, attractive woman again...remember you still are....it's just buried under his detritus trying to surface.....you just need to believe in yourself and dig down inside to gather up a little of your inner strength to get you started........do you think you could maybe grab a cup of coffee or tea ,sit down with a pen and paper and make a list of things to do in the morning?.... like 9am go to the GP surgery....one small step every day is all you need to make.....and sooner than you think that clever gifted woman will be full of positive thoughts......and do please try the helpline on the left of the page for more support......you will get through this...the same way we survivors here have done...with knowledge, support and our combined efforts........and the sheer determination not to let the abuser win...by living and staying sane...
keep posting please...we are all here listening..
much love and hugs
Posted by SIS on 30-Jul-12 20:02 GMT
I am so pleased I found you lot. Very very small
I might just get through this. Actually - f*ck it - I am going to get through this.
Posted by livelearn2000 on 30-Jul-12 21:33 GMT
They don't call us survivors for nothing, you know!
And of course you can talk to the police - just call the non emergency number and report what has been going on. You don't want them to rush round and arrest him, just to log it! I think they have to, if you call. And ask whether they have an officer who specialises in DV. He/she will have heard it all before. They may appont you an IDVA to help you through this.
And livelearn? Plenty of people have bipolar - my own dear mother is a sufferer. How many people do you think she has beaten up and abused? Yep, you got it. Not a one!
Illness is NO excuse for what he has done. None. How beastly to suggest you end it all over him. How flattered would he be! The best revenge is always to live well in spite of them.
We'll help if you feel down.
Posted by Flowerchild on 30-Jul-12 21:44 GMT
"The best revenge is always to live well in spite of them."
You just set me off crying again - you're a good lady. Thank you.
Posted by livelearn2000 on 30-Jul-12 21:49 GMT
what is an IDVA? have I said that right?
Posted by livelearn2000 on 30-Jul-12 21:50 GMT
Independent domestic violence advocate/advisor? She is at the end of a phone for you. I have one, so do lots of ladies on here.
There IS help out there, you just have to reach out and ask. The helpline number on here is great, too, once you get through.
You are not alone with this, lovely.
Posted by Flowerchild on 30-Jul-12 22:00 GMT
All funded by our taxes, too!
Posted by Flowerchild on 30-Jul-12 22:08 GMT
Hi Livelearn2000 and welcome to the Forum. Thank you for sharing your story with us. I t sounds like it have been a really tough journey for you and that you are still dealing with so much.
You say in your opening sentence that your ex has bi-polar as if that may go some way to explain/justify his behaviour but then go on to describe someone who is very in control of all that he is doing/saying. Your ex sounds like someone who is extremely manipulative and is serving his own needs for control/power at the cost of your peace and security.
You have received lots of support and advice from the wise women on the Forum and I would just like to confirm that the 24hr helpline 0808 2000 247 is available for you to explore your options and can signpost you to all the appropriate services available for you.
You have been so strong and deserve to continue moving onwards and upwards from the awful abuse you have had to endure.
Do keep posting and let us know how you are.
Posted by WA Moderator on 30-Jul-12 22:35 GMT