ARCHIVE - Life after abuse

Hi 27Midge,

I've compiled a list of books all of which I've read and found very useful.

Feeling anger is very normal when you've got out of an abusive relationship - I still huge issues with anger and rage, but anger can also be an empowering and energising emotion which you can channel in positive ways. The book Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them by Susan Forward has a specific chapter in Section 2 about dealing with anger, and something she recommends doing is a lot of physical exercise. My therapist advised me to punch a pillow with as much force as I could muster up to get rid of my overwhelming rage, and do you know what - it really does help!

Anyway here are the books:

“Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them” by Dr Susan Forward (One of my favourites since it uses case studies to describe the ways in which men abuse women, as well as exploring the childhood causes of why men learn to hate women and why women become attracted to abusive men)

“The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free from Exploitive Relationships” by Dr Patrick Carnes (a very powerful book which discusses in detail the process of traumatic bonding that occurs in abusive relationships and why this happens)

"Power and Control: Why Charming Men Can Make Dangerous Lovers” by Sandra Horley (a very good book recommended by my IDVA)

It's My LIfe Now: Starting Over After an Abusive Relationship or Domestic Violence" by Meg Kennedy Dugan and Roger R Hock.

“Women Who Love Too Much” by Robin Norwood (describes how women who grow up in dysfunctional families do not have their emotional needs met in childhood. As a consequence, they develop specific thought patterns and beliefs that cause them to be drawn to men who need emotional caretaking, including abusers)

“The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists: Coping with the One Way Relationship in Work, Love and Family” by Eleanor D Payson (This excellent book describes the dynamics of the narcissistic personality disorder - very relevant since all abusers are on the narcissistic/psychopathic continuum)

“Help I’m in Love with a Narcissist” by Steven Carter and Julia Sokol”. (gives excellent insights into the dynamics of a relationship with a narcissist).

“Controlling People” by Patricia Evans (An excellent book which gives insight into how people develop controlling personalities)

“Adult Children: Secrets of Dysfunctional Families” by John and Linda Friel (Dysfunctional families have a well defined and specific set of characteristics, which are discussed in detail in this excellent book)

“Healing the Shame that Binds You” by John Bradshaw (People who have been abused develop a deep sense of what is known as 'traumatic shame'. This excellent book describes in detail how traumatic shame develops as a result of growing up in a dysfunctional family, and the steps you can take to heal from it)

Hope this is helpful.
Happy reading!
Love Ash xxxxxxxxxx

Is there not a place near you that you can do the freedom programme at? It is more benificial to do it as a group i think.

if not then the only advice i can give you is take your time with it. Do not rush it. A few months ago i done it online and i done it so fast my poor mind couldn't process it all. Only do one section a week and do it slowly. Let your mind deal with one thing at a time.

I suffer from being an angry person and that is all about dealing with issues in the past and i am not just trying to accept them.

hope it all goes well. xxx

I've no books to recommend but thought I'd share a few things that I have tried to try to defuse the anger I feel inside me. I am really scared of my anger and hate expressing it - I think I'm scared of the damage/hurt I may cause.
Writing things down really helps me - I have tons of notebooks just filled with lots of scibbles and swear words! My parents have been great, and bless them they do really try to help me but sometimes they get it monumentally wrong and writing down what they have done or said or not done just acts like a little valve for me - letting some of the anger subside a bit.
Loud music helps too - something heavy like Metallica or Foo Fighters on full blast on my mp3 player while I go for a walk. I've walked many, many miles, absolutely fuming but somehow it calms me down (or maybe just wears me out!)
The thing that helps me the most though is doing art work - sometimes it can be just stuff that really calms me like painting - but when i have a lot of anger to get out i reach for the graphite and just scribble and scribble away. My arm aches and I make a hell of a noise but it works for me.
But the biggest thing for me has been therapy - working things through - especially about my fears about getting angry (to do I think will anger being not allowed in my family growing up). therapy can also help with deprogramming yourself from him and and readjusting your levels so you can become more balanced in your moods.
good luck with everything, love xxxxxxxxxx

I laughed at your post, not in a funny way but a cant believe same happened to me my friend left my back door open when we went out, when i entered alone and saw it was open my heart slipped into my stomach i was convinced he was here!! spooky stuff!!
The books Ashley listed are extensive and its my view you cant read enough to help you get through this, the hardest part isn't staying its leaving in my opinion.
The freedom program is run along side ' Living with the dominator its a powerful book but its the women you meet that shocked me, the patterns, the traits all similar to a point.
I don't mean to be rude but of course your bloody angry, and that wont go anywhere for now, you have pardon my swearing been shat on from a great height, its like a bomb going off and your left with the devastation whilst they just carry on regardless thinking the world still owes them a favour, they leave you not knowing how to breath without them, or who you actually are any more!!!
You wonder why your angry, Anger is healthy if challenged the right way positively.
Read away knowledge is power, the more you know the stronger you become and the weaker they look!!!
However the more i read the more stupid i felt and the angrier i got with myself, I had no chance of happiness, no way of changing or helping someone that has no thoughts or feelings, as i read i realised i fought and wasted time on a species that is blameless, faultless, untouchable, un remorseful and incapable of love what a fool i was, of course ive moved on but im still bloody mad!!

Ashley for an incredible resource list, really helpful to have a contents summary for selecting although I'm certain all of them are immensely important if only finances weren't a limiting resource. I live far from the reaches support provided by Women's Aid and the freedom programme, and sadly to date the only service I have encountered in my new home is only available to native citenzens so I am exempt and slip the system, Women's Aid have been great and squeezed me in before I left last year: So, I was at least vaguely prepared for all this fall out but other than that I've been on me tod starting anew do have friends but we have no substantial history not a bad thing as its a fresh start. Counsellors do work in the area however for an extortionate fee, pro bono medical system care does not come included here, it's a luxury for the priviledged
I went book shopping today, online, instore & to the library (the library willingly accept donations when I am better, which will happen, I will donate my self help books - a membership card gives you 2hrs internet access a day split into 2individual hours {NO INTERNET HISTORY FOR HIM TO FIND, no ID required for library card - Nothing for him to track } & you don't have to return your book to the same library).

It's My Life Now: Starting Over After an Abusive Relationship or Domestic Violence
Women Who Love Too Much
Living With The Dominator - to accompany the online Freedom programme
Change Your Life with CBS (Cognative Behavioural Therapy) - recommended by my sister who's a social worker

I went and made an appointment with the drop in STD clinic
Rang Women's Aid and hopefully someone will ring me to guide me through the first part of the freedom programme I will take it slowly no more than one a week - advice noted and thank you.
I know I'm angry and its natural to a degree but I cannot continue like this, having attacks of rage are unacceptable, loud agressive music was hisstlye. I think I may take up a martial art learn the moves pratice with bags and again padded hands ie. no contact cause I just can't face the though of letting someone hit me
If the martial arts don't work out then maybe a punch bag, in the mean time a pillow sounds like a step in the right direction.
This anger can be chaneled to drive me forward, battery is dead now other wise would be replying to you lovely ladies posting anew. Love to you all M x