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he called me this morning and said he wants me to visit as its his birthday next week, he also asked me to bring him drugs but i said no straight away as its not worth the risk and i owe him no favours!! but im still tempted to visit there's so much i want to say to him, i don't know whether a visit could help me find closure or completely mess up my head. i know it sounds pathetic but i crave male attention terribly, ive been sleeping with his best mate who was calling for months after he went inside but this has made me so insecure aswell as its just a sex thing no emotion involved and makes me want love even more, i feel like no man will ever love me i'm so confused, hope you ladies are all well abd getting a chance to enjoy the beautiful sun we've had atr least that cheers everyone up a bit xxx
Created by bla on 26-Jul-12 14:35 GMT
And should he be calling from prison? You should report the call and the request - the authorities need to know to keep a close eye on his visitors!
He's poison to you, lovely - like an addictive poison. His head is full of HIM and if you're hoping for closure or love or tenderness, he is not the place to go. If you want your head messed up, yes, he's the number one place to go for that!
I'm sure you have loads of things you want to say to him, but of one thing you can be sure. He will not want to listen. If he does listen he will take the things you say, twist them into bullets and fire them back through your heart. That's guaranteed.
Please stay away, and try to avoid his friends, too. I wonder if rumours have reached him and he's made contact so on this visit he's requested he can accuse you? It could be absolutely hellish for you.
Why would you need a man you don't even love cluttering up your life and complicating things with your ex who will no doubt be out again someday if not soon?
Take your time, learn to love yourself again, take good care of yourself and when you feel properly ready, be on the lookout for a real man, one who doesn't exploit or abuse, one who doesn't always put his own needs first.
Have you done the freedom programme? It might be helpful, I think.
Yes - enjoying the sunshine here!
Posted by Flowerchild on 26-Jul-12 14:49 GMT
Your feelings are understandable, you have things you want to say to him and you want to find some kind of closure. To crave male attention and love is also normal, you are human!
But you are hoping for something which this man is not able to provide. You will not get the responses you need, and the probability is it will, as you say, mess with your head even more!
Flower has suggested some great ideas, this is more about you moving on and discovering yourself away from the abusive, manipulative behaviour and mindgames.
The 'no contact rule' is generally very effective and many survivors will testify to this. Abusive and controlling men don't suddenly become respectful and caring and willing to listen to your point of view.
You feel that no man will ever love you again, but they will. First of all, you have to start by learning to love yourself, and not looking for 'love' in the wrong places. We are here on the forum to help you and support you, so do keep posting, and maybe start looking elsewhere for what you desire.
Wishing you all the very best
Posted by WA Moderator on 26-Jul-12 15:30 GMT
All he wants want from you is to be able to use you for his own needs. Asking you to take drugs in for him.... it's right there in front of your eyes with what you have written. It's about HIM. Using the birthday excuse is a classic one, my abuser always expects me to be there waiting on hand and foot for his birthday. It's like no matter what they have done they expect the world to stop because it's there birthday!!!!. This year i am thinking ''yeah it's your birthday and so what!!!''. He will be spending his birthday inside this year rofl.
It won't give you closure going and speaking to him, i feel just like you. I want to say so much and ask so many questions but all he will do with it is either just feed me a load of lies to make me feel better or he will ignore the questions and be full of excuses. As for the sex i would be careful as you said it is making you feel worse. Take a step back and have some time out from men. Start to feel good about yourself first and then you will meet somebody and it will feel good and right. A good man will love you but you need to love yourself too. You are not what your abuser has made you think about yourself, that's a product of the relationship. Find yourself again
Posted by Tatters on 26-Jul-12 15:30 GMT
what do you want? do you want to see him? I understand about you wanting closure but do you really think you are going to get it from him? I suspect it's just another attempt to try to 'hook' you in and mess with your head. Like you say you do not owe him anything.
as for his friend..........i think that you know that sleeping with him is not healthy for you. I know it sounds like a cliche but no man will love or respect you until you love and respect yourself. it's time now, while he is safely locked up and out of your life to work on yourself. are you getting any support from womens aid or any counselling? i think it would be a good idea for you - a healthy thing for you to do for yourself xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Posted by PurpleButterfly on 26-Jul-12 22:39 GMT
im so confused about everything some days i'm so happy then other days all i think about is ending it all. i know you are all right though, thank you for understanding and being honest its hard to accept but i know everything you've said is true. i have tried counselling as a young teen and did not get on with it at all. i feel so blank today but thanks again so much all of your responses really touched me i read them the other day but i didn't know what to say then either but it really got me thinking, i hope you are all okay and well, lots of love bla xxxx
Posted by bla on 28-Jul-12 21:10 GMT