ARCHIVE - Life after abuse
So I sent the ex an email yesterday making it clear that the decision about the baby was mine, and mine alone. That I can't take the way him and his family have treated me anymore. It took a lot of courage to say that.
So then he mails me and, makes sure I get it today, a sketch that a did for him over a year and a half ago, nothing else just that.
I then phoned him but he hung up, so I text asking him not to mail me anything again and also to please ask his family not to contact me in any way as they have no reason to do so. That I stood by my e-mail. I then asked him to confirm that he understood.
He won't reply to that, he'd rather make me anxious about what he could do next. Should be seeing police tomorrow, but now I am anxious about what he could do... mail me more stuff, mail or call my parents, get his family to contact me.
I was having a good day with some close friends who were being supportive and it was so hard coming back to that.
Created by scared2011 on 24-Jul-12 20:08 GMT
He's playing control games.
OK, now you need no contact,. You've sent the email. He's never going to say, 'Oh, OK, I get it, that's fine,' is he?! Sending it ONCE is all you need to do.
Never mind asking, begging, pleading with him to tell his folks to back off. He'll never do that, either. You've done everything you need to do bar one thing. Cut them off. Block them form your phone and email, block them and anyone who is or may be a mutual friend on fb.
That sorts it. You need to tell your parents to block him, too. Talk to your phone provider about how to do this.
Ask the police about a non-mol or restraining order to stop him contacting you. keep any messages you already have as evidence.
Oh, and try to get hold of Lundy Bancroft's Why Does He Do That? which will make you sit up and take notice if you haven't already read it. We all recognse out abuser in there!
Posted by Flowerchild on 24-Jul-12 20:32 GMT
That was my plan, I have asked him to stop, if he doesn't its not very clear its against my wishes that he continues. I did say it on the phone before, but now its in writing. I am considering changing my number, its just such a hassle for me to do that.
I have deleted his family from FB. We know some mutual people, and they are good friends of mine, but they are aware of the situation.
I feel like an idiot for even trying to rationalize this and wanting to keep him weeks ago, saying I'd do anything and change for him, I was just thinking about the baby and wanting it to have a father. Probably playing right into what he wants me to be. I feel such a fool xxx
Posted by scared2011 on 24-Jul-12 20:45 GMT
do anything that you request
he will be predictable by his unpredictability
that is why the No contact rule is imperative now
you are not beholden to him anymore
you are a lot more capable than you realise.
if he does harass you, report him to the police.
if his family harass you report them too
have you got a solicitor or support worker or DV police support worker?
he is playing the mind game and he will try every trick in the book as he is loosing control to try and re instate that control
don't be bullied into anything or by anyone
I hope your family will be there for you but like so often in this situation they are so isolated from the situation that we end up living in they are not aware
rather than wait to see if he calls them, why don't you call them first
calling his bluff will take the wind out of his sails
Posted by ka3n on 24-Jul-12 21:05 GMT
... that he could acknowledge that I want no more contact, to stop sending anything. I really don't get why he didn't throw the sketch in the trash instead all the effort of mailing it.
I am not going to contact him again, he knows I have a scan on Thursday, I hope he doesn't contact me again, if he does I will ignore it, but keep it. I won't be sending him a picture of the scan anymore, even though I said originally I would.
The DV officer is going to give me a call and arrange a meeting, although I feel so horrible for doing this as I think of the good times we had together, the thought of telling the police everything makes me cry, like am I doing the right thing, what could this do to him?
I can't tell me family, not even about the pregnancy, despite being in tri2, I am hiding it, I am just too afraid to say anything but petrified he is going to say something. Only some v close friends of mine know.
Posted by scared2011 on 24-Jul-12 21:38 GMT
just block incoming calls from HIS number. I think!
And even if those mutuals are your friends I'd still advise cutting them off on fb. Go inactive on your account if need be. If you block other channels he may put pressure on those friends to let him access your fb on their computers and that wouldn't be fair on them. Also BEWARE of random new people sending friend requests. Could be him or someone he's controlling in disguise..
Stay safe, I hope you're well and are getting time to consider your future plans calmly.
Posted by Flowerchild on 24-Jul-12 21:43 GMT
I think I have to go to orange to get his number blocked, hopefully I won't have to change my number, so I'll look into that.
I never add people I've never met on fb so wont start now.
Posted by scared2011 on 25-Jul-12 08:56 GMT
I have every confidence that you will get free of this man and his ghastly family. They are like a horrible sticky spiderweb that you blundered innocently into, aren't they?
But with every action you take you are getting clear of it all.
It's such a pity that your pregnancy is overshadowed by all this trouble when of course it should be a magical, exciting time with friends and family delighted ad a loving partner supporting you every step of the way, shared dreams etc.
So many women on here have had similar experiences of being abused and even physically attacked through their pregnancies or forced to wait hand and foot on an abuser who lolls on the only sofa in the house! We get brought up to expect the whole fairytale and end up just doing the start of the Cinderella story...
I agree you should not sen him the scan, despite what you may have generously promised. As I see it, he has forfeited the right to have any say in this, and legally he is nowhere because you were never married to him (that would have complicated getting out in so many ways).
You are strong, smart and capable of being safe, free and happy. There is support on here for whatever you decide, and no judgements made.
Sending you strength and hugs (hugs are rare from me!)
Posted by Flowerchild on 25-Jul-12 09:40 GMT