ARCHIVE - Life after abuse
I was in touch with my husband and he finally had a conversation with me. He said that I should not have left and that I should have worked things out. I'm really upset as I still care about him but he does not want to admit that he was abusive.
He claims that he has nothing left and even if he wanted to get back with me, he could not do so because of his family.
I'm left upset because it is not my fault. He was making my life difficult.
Created by Rayofhope on 20-Jul-12 20:42 GMT
The usual trio. So sorry you're feeling sad, Ray, I'm guessing you were hoping, as we all are, that he would acknowledge his abuse and offer some kind of apology. They so rarely do and, as mine has done this recently, it is really hard to believe even when you hear it!
Are you planning to have more contact? Do be careful he doesn't work on your kind nature to reel you in again, won't you?
Posted by Flowerchild on 20-Jul-12 22:51 GMT
massive hugs to you xxxxxxxxxxxxx
what a victim player! poor old innocent him! it takes two to be in a relationship and if there was any working things out to be done it should be a joint effort - not all down to you.
You had good reason to leave - his unreasonable and abusive behaviour. It was not your fault for not 'fixing' things.
Like flower says please be careful with any future contact - my ex was a victim playing manipulator too and sucked me in more times than i'd like to think about. You have done the right thing for you by leaving. time now for you to work on you and healing yourself. love and strength to you xxxxxxxxxxxxx
Posted by PurpleButterfly on 21-Jul-12 14:33 GMT
Thank you both for your support- it is so hard and I cried for hours last night. I was so upset and lonely that I was so tempted to call the Samaritans just for someone to hear me out.
I feel so betrayed that he threw my jewelry back. He contacted me today and sent me a picture of the necklace and it was not even mine. He said that if this is not mine, then he does not want to have any conversation with me.
I was feeling strong but now I feel all frail. He is so dishonest. I sometimes felt that I was not born so that I would not have to go through this.
Posted by Rayofhope on 21-Jul-12 16:34 GMT
(born to go through all this).
You are worth so much more. It is sad that he trashed your things, but things can be replaced. He is trying to wield power over you again, dictating whether he will or won't talk to you and damaging or withholding your things.
Now wonder you're upset! You went back within arms reach of him and he's hurt you again.
I think the only safe thing to do is cut all communication and write off your possessions. Go out and choose new things that don't remind you of him. Even if you can't afford to buy them yet, have fun picking what you would like and make a little scrapbook, maybe. if anyone asks what you want for a birthday or Christmas present you'll have ideas to hand!
And remember, your mental strength and confidence and peace of mind are worth far more to you than any piece of jewellery even if i was a family heirloom. However painful, let it go and value what can't be bought.
Think of him as a house fire - enormously destructive, not to be repeated and the cause of the total loss of some precious things. But you walked away alive.
Posted by Flowerchild on 21-Jul-12 17:56 GMT
I logged the enquiry with the police and he can be arrested if he cannot show evidence of my personal
Belongings and I also have texts saying he has thrown them away. Maybe I'm trying to be vindictive by ensuring there is justice!!!
Part of me feels tempted to carry on with it part of me does not want to ruin his life.
Posted by Rayofhope on 21-Jul-12 20:18 GMT
You are being very reasonable in fact. But do let the police handle it from here. He won't give them sleepless nights and depression! It was a very wise move to involve them.
Just step right back and have no contact and just maybe your precious things will be brought back to you. The professionals are on the job now so you can go back to no contact.
And Ray? You're not ruining his life. He's managing that perfectly well all by himself.. Focus on not letting HIM ruin YOURS.
Posted by Flowerchild on 21-Jul-12 20:46 GMT
Thank you for your support Flower - he was still trying to control me. He still insulted and abused me even when I asked for my personal belongings. Could not believe that!!!!
He was so mean- he does not realise he has destroyed my life.
Posted by Rayofhope on 21-Jul-12 22:14 GMT
trust me, i know you don't want to ruin his life, but I can assure you he won't return the favour and if push came to shove he would FEED YOU TO THE LIONS in order to save his own skin, it's what abusers do.
you know my story... if you don't, after 3 years of abuse my ex knew he had no more control over me and that i had some of his abuse and admissions on tape. knowing the net was closing in he went to the police and planted evidence to get me charged and appear in court. ok, i know my ex is pure evil, and I wish he was just a one off, but the more i read others posts, i realise that they are all cut from the same cloth.
please, please stay strong. you need a new start, you deserve a new start, don't give in to nostalgia or feel guilty about landing him in it. his actions are wrong and you need to stand strong, or he will prey on your kindness and it will nevr change. please, please, trust me on this one! x
Posted by citizensmith on 21-Jul-12 22:23 GMT
because actually, he hasn't!
You're here. You're posting. You're still standing. Even Citizen's ex hasn't destroyed her, look - she's fighting back and supporting others on here, too.
He has destroyed your love and trust for him, and the relationship he could have enjoyed with you, sure. But ultimately, you know, that's HIS loss. Not yours.
He can't reach the real you inside, can he? You have seen him for what he is now and there's no going back. You're stronger than that. And we're standing shoulder to shoulder with you.
You are not alone.
Posted by Flowerchild on 21-Jul-12 23:34 GMT
Thank you for your support- I really appreciate it. He has definitely not destroyed my life as I'm moving on. I kept strong and despite all my ordeal, I remained strong at work and even got promoted.
He has destroyed the faith and love I had.
I should remain strong and let natural justice do its course.
Posted by Rayofhope on 22-Jul-12 10:21 GMT
Sometimes I wish I was not born so that I do not have to go through what I have gone through. It is so tough!!! Why did I deserve all of this???
Posted by Rayofhope on 22-Jul-12 12:34 GMT
It's just nasty random stuff that your paths crossed and he came into your life.
Life doesn't work by punishing the bad an rewarding the good. Might be easier if it did though!
I do believe that things are put right somewhere else afterwards and that helps me go on sometimes. But I also believe we have way more power to change things in our own hands if we would just realise that and use it. If we sit back and bewail our fate we are giving in and deciding we are powerless and blameworthy in some way we don't understand. There are faiths out there that preach this but I don't subscribe to any of them because I want my life right here and now to be the best it can be - I'm not prepared t wait for a next time round on this earth because I think we ony get one go at this life.
Posted by Flowerchild on 22-Jul-12 13:00 GMT