ARCHIVE - Leaving an abusive relationship
I sat in court today while he was sentenced. I sat quivering behind the glass screens between me and him but i looked him straight in the eyes, i looked over and over in the 40 minutes that it took. What i saw from him was disgusting. He side looked me like i was a piece of dirt. He looked cold and very angry. I could see him sat there with his arms folded, grinding his teeth the whole way through. When he spoke it was very quick and angry, he looked disgusted at me like he was thinking ''how dare you do this to me''. He gave me an evil glare just like he used to before he beat me. There was no remorse at all, no sorry, nothing. I don't know why i expected him to show some remorse but he didn't and it's left me feeling very hurt and sad. He tried to use excuses to get out of being sent to prison.... he even tried to say he needed to see his daughter!!!! he has never cared about her before. He couldn't be bothered to turn up to contact because he was with another women or a pint of beer. It made me and my friend who came with me feel very angry. He tried several excuses including his mental health and that he needed treatment or a course on domestic violence but thankfully the judge didn't listen. She sentenced him to 18 weeks in prison of which he will serve around 10!!!, it's pathetic but better than nothing i guess. I no that there are many ladies that get no justice at all. It really stinks
I have also got a restraining order that lasts for 2 years. He can't come anywhere near where i live, in fact the whole village. He can't contact me directly or indirectly or go near my children's schools.
I am lucky in that i have had some justice after 4 years of torture. I feel so hurt and sad, i have been crying a lot today. It feels like i have a tight ball in my stomach because i have so much pain and confusion going on.
My therapist always said that my abuser saw me as ''special'' and thats hurting too because it is special in the wrong way. He saw me as his soul mate, he treated us like we were different from everybody else. He made me keep secrets and i ended up lying to people. I was his special girl because he could do what ever he liked with me. He could treat me worse than an animal gets treated. My cat got looked after better than i did I have been a hostage for 4 years now.
I feel so upset with the way he treated me today. He wanted to get one last stab in, he wanted me to feel like dirt. He even got his solicitor to say that he has finished with me and he wants nothing more to do with me. He said that out loud in court. I felt like crap. I thought i am supposed to be his wife!!!!! he is angry with me for exposing him, for the sexual abuse being brought out in public. All he can think is about himself and the face that he can't hurt me while he is locked up. He doesn't think of me at all. I don't know why i expected him to say that he was sorry and it was wrong. I guess i held on to some hope that he was human. He has shown me again today that all he thinks about is himself. He doesn't care for me at all.
He has been exposed for who he is. He can't carry on his seedy affairs and abuse now. I hope that he meets some very nasty people while he does his time. I hope he feels degraded and humiliated. I hope that he is too frightened to leave his cell.
I feel proud of myself for looking straight at him, for not showing him that he was getting to me. I showed him that i am stronger than he thinks. I showed him that justice can be served. I will not tolerate him any longer. Any hope of that died in the court room today because he showed me what he really thinks about me. He thinks nothing of me at all.
I feel like i needed to get this off my chest. To be special for the wrong reasons is so painful. It really hit me today just how sick and twisted our relationship has been. I only ever tried to love and care for him and i can hold my head high with that. He will never understand what love is, he isn't capable of love. All he is capable of is destroying people's lives, even his own children's. It's beyond disgusting.
It's so hard to work through all of these feelings because sometimes i cry just because i loved him but he betrayed me more than he will ever realise. In a way he feels betrayed by me for exposing him and that's all he will ever see. He is so shallow. I hope he means what he says and that he stays away from me. The look he gave me today frightened me. It showed the real him that he has managed to hide for so long by saying he loves me. I used to think he was a women hater and he always denied it because he only loves women in one way...... he loves to hurt us. He couldn't have looked more disgusted in me if he had tried. It flawed me to be looked at like that. I have wasted so much on him and he has left me with nearly nothing. The whole 4 years we have been together has been like a play to him..... all fantasy and pretend. How can somebody pretend to love you all of that time and really hate you?. What an actor!!!!!. Everything i thought that we had was a lie and all it took was a look, the look he gave me today. I feel heart broken by it. It has also woken me up to the truth.
Sorry to ramble, i just feel so hurt and angry by it all.
Created by Tatters on 13-Jul-12 21:29 GMT
What a woman you are. Proud to share these boards with you. An amazon. One of the Walkure (sorry, no umlaut was available!), a suffragette, Joan of Arc...
You're up there! Enormous respect.
And he slinks off to a little grey room with a bunk, some bars and a bucket.
It's heart breaking that he was never the man you thought he was, but now you can recover and start to live again.
Hats off, Tatters.
Posted by Flowerchild on 13-Jul-12 22:25 GMT
awww thanks for that hun, it really made me smile people keep telling me how brave i am yet i never feel it but inside i know that i am amazingly strong. I know that what i did was brave of me, to look him in the eyes, for me to become the women in control, something to smile about at last!!!!.
I think you are right..... i am upset about losing the man that i thought he was. I thought the man i married actually was a human being with feelings but he even shattered that by telling another women that he saw her head on my body the day that we got married!!!!!. When i asked him why he had said that he replied that he wanted to hurt me and his ex gf because she left him for somebody more decent. I am really seeing how false everything has been now which is a painful process but good at the same time. Bitter sweet.
Posted by Tatters on 13-Jul-12 22:47 GMT
You did an amazing thing today in court. Well done you! To be looking at him all the while he is being sentenced! Brave and strong!
Posted by Kia Kaha Wahine on 13-Jul-12 23:02 GMT
i could have written so much of that. so similar. you ARE strong and brave and an amazing woman. you're right serving 10 weeks is nothing compared to what he put you through, but please keep strong. you have got through so much already and there might be some more painful times ahead, but they will lessen. be proud of yourself, we all are! xx
Posted by citizensmith on 14-Jul-12 09:56 GMT
You are so brave, and I'm pleased you've had some kind of justice although nothing like he deserves. I'm sorry you've been through so much abuse and pain and still hurting so much. I think that the most positive thing is that you're letting it out, talking about all the awful things he did to you, and you have a lot of self awareness about the way you feel at the moment. This helps so much more than not being able to express your emotions and not sharing how you feel. It will take time to heal, but I have every confidence that you are going to be fine; you're so strong.
Posted by WA Moderator on 14-Jul-12 11:48 GMT
Thanks for your support everyone, it really is helping me to see how well I am doing. I think that we r all strong here, we r all survivors. Today I feel more anger than anything because he is a selfish idiot!!!. I really feel very strongly that he is a waste of space and effort. Nobody looks at me like dirt, never again
Posted by Tatters on 15-Jul-12 01:15 GMT
Wonder what he's finding out about himself right now? OK, it's only ten weeks or so, but it's no joke and no picnic. He will carry the memories of this time - the powerlessness, the greyness, the inescapable noise, the ordering around, the locks, bars and barriers, the indignity - forever. This will be hurting him so much, could even be teaching him so much even if it's against his will. He will never be the same man again. People will look at him differently because he has been 'inside'.
I'm not saying this to suggest we should feel sorry for him - heave forfend, but just so you can cope with everyone who says he's having a holiday, watching telly, playing pool, getting three square a day for nothing etc. Because people may say he's got off lightly but actually he will be paying all his life. And he should know every second of it that he did this to himself; that he is his own worst enemy. Maybe he's too arrogant and stupid to know this, but you do!
If anyone gets looked at like dirt, lovely, it will be HIM form now on!
Posted by Flowerchild on 15-Jul-12 09:34 GMT
Yes I get lots of comments about the fact that he will get his food, play pool watch t.v etc but I remember the last time he was inside and it was only for 2 weeks... I visited him and he looked like he was cracking up!! He had to have extra support I think from Samaritans. He acted so kindly and soft while he was locked up, it was like the softer side that I loved in him. Slowly though he went back to his 'real' self as he had nobody watching him anymore.
I know that he will be hating it, I saw it in his face. Perhaps now he can feel how he has made me feel for a while. It really hurt how he looked at me. I only ever loved him and that's my crime. How can he be so angry with me?.
He is hurting because he has lost his rights with our daughter, he hated it that I couldn't trust him any longer because he lied to me so much. He is angry because he now has to suffer. I really wanted to see a glimmer of remorse from him but I got nothing but hurt
Posted by Tatters on 15-Jul-12 23:23 GMT
Well one for having so much courage! You are a strong woman for doing this....
Ten weeks is too short, but at least he has been punished for what he has inflicted on you
Posted by newstart on 16-Jul-12 00:09 GMT
Will it help you to be reunited with you daughter now he's off the scene? I do hope so. You will be able to give her a safe, happy home now, won't you?
All the best for the next steps,
Posted by Flowerchild on 16-Jul-12 08:15 GMT
That's the other thing that is ripping me to pieces with the court case with my daughter. The social worker is suggesting to the court that she is adopted :'-(. I won't stop fighting for her but there is so much against me now. It was looking more positive until he assaulted me. Even my solicitor doesn't think that I stand much chance anymore, I feel heart broken and shattered. It looks like he has taken nearly everything from me including my baby
I have another child too who I have contact with, I have to keep strong for him too. I want to one day be able to fight for joint residency of him.
Posted by Tatters on 16-Jul-12 12:31 GMT
I thought maybe the sentence and the 2 year RO or whatever it is would make you a safer bet than before. Could you get it reviewed in the light of these recent changes to your circumstances?
Posted by Flowerchild on 16-Jul-12 12:44 GMT