ARCHIVE - Life after abuse

I'm thinking would it just be easier if I went back to him?

And I really HATE myself for even thinking this.x

now you dont really want to do that do you? Life is cxxp at times but just think how much worse it was when you were with him? and what it would be like if you went back. Think of why you left in the first place. xxxx

there are more than two men in the world! If things are going wrong with the current man - sounds like they might be - there are a million things you could do rather than go back to abusive ex.

But you know that, really, it's just an idea that pops into all our heads sometimes, along the lines of, well should I just stay with/go back to that abuser, at least I knew where I was with him. That sort of thing.

But consider what other choices you have: nothing wrong with being alone for a bit, getting yourself together and learning to like your own company. Find your self-esteem and value for yourself and then be even pickier about who you go out with next. There are loads of lovely men out there, especially when you're young, so why not make a shopping list of the qualities you're looking for and then start the search when you're ready?

Don't settle for second best - you're worth it!

Flower x

Flower x

So good I signed it twice!

Your current boyfriend should not be telling you that you treat him like crap. Could he not have sat you down and said something like, is everything ok, you are acting diffierent, you seem down, your not yourself, you know something nice.. Maybe he is acting in a way that you don't like which in turn make you act wrongly towards him. My ex always said i treated him like crap, i always thought i was really nice considering the sh*t i got from him.

xxx

What does 'treating him like c**p' actually mean, anyway? Might be interesting to get him to write a list of what exactly it is that he's expecting but not getting. Then you can read it, laugh, and walk away. Or make a matching list for HIM.

If he can't be bothered to write it down, he can stop going on about it as it's clearly not that important to him. And if he thinks about a list, writes it and reads it back to himself he might just realise he's being silly or unrealistic.

All mine could put on his list was stuff like, Be nicer to me. Try to get on. He didn't really have anything to complain about or he would have been specific.

At the very worst you've got quite an indication of how he sees you and can make a decision about whether he's worth bothering with!

Power to the pen!

I guess I'm just feeling weak right now.
I know the type of guy I want and it's who he was at first all love-dovey and stuff - but now it's changed - he won't kiss me in public but will grope me, and I've talked to him about and he says well things change - I was like that as we'd only just gotten together. I feel like he think I'm a toy and the shiny new-ness has worn off and he only want me to do things like cleaning ect

He spends all his time in a miniature model shop - and complains if I text him because he has no him time. But neither do I. I stay at home all week and clean and then the weekend comes and I mainly sleep - and now he's joined a gun club and wants to bring guns in to our home.

He has no job so we live off my wage and he refuses to do any house work - I have to ask him repeatedly - 'but not nag' and even then he doesn't always do it.
He also asks me to apply for jobs as he'd rather do his toy stuff than actually get a job claiming he is depressed but won't do anything about it.

I have a list, I'll find it and post it later. He's not been happy since we got together he seems so different, while I'm busting my a$$ so we have more money-but he doesn't ask so he shouldn't have to thank me?!

So he's financially abusing you, too - to him you're just a wallking breast he can feed from with a bank balance attached! Oh, and a cleaner, too. What a paradise for him - everything his mum ever gave him plus sex, too, and able to tell you you can't ask for anything in return! Plus I bet she never let him have guns in the house. What joy for him! What will you get out of this gun club or from having guns in the house I wonder? And I assume you'll be paying for it all?

Here's another idea for a list: make two columns on a piece of paper, one side for what you're GIVING to the relationship, the other for what you're GETTING out of it (the good stuff). That might help you focus on what you want to do about it.

He says things change - well, time he learned it's true both ways, I'd say!

Does he have a way in to your bank account or your purse, knows your PIN or your online password? Have you got a joint account with him, the abuser's playground, I call them? That would be a good first change. Pull the nipple out of his mouth and hear him wail, then tell him, 'Things change, you know, as you told me!'

Or, too, why not tell him you're feeling depressed yourself and thinking about giving up work, like your GP has suggested. And you can't cope with the cleaning any more, it's getting you down, so it will be up to him from now on. The GP said you should let other people take the strain more. And then go to bed. If he asks you when you're getting up, say, in a week, maybe...if i feel up to it. That should convince him things can change.

Ooh, I'm getting so cross here on your behalf. Kittens are cuddly and cute but they do have claws - and teeth. Find your inner lioness, kitten!

Flower x (steaming gently)

I know while reading this - I should probably listen but I can feel myself thinking no I should explain better and stick up for him so I just dunno how to reply...

I wouldn't know about his mum as she died while he was young..
I don't think he gets anything from it - his dad paid for him to go and is apparently buying him a riffle for christmas -I don't even know why he wants one tbh? I mean what is the points it's not like it's for protection and if it just to show off then thats pretty stupid - right??

I don't know what I give to the relationship - i'm just trying to make him happy.

He knows my pin but doesn't have my bank cards - I don't think he knows my online password but tbh even if he did you can trace transactions online.
I can't really not give him money as he has no income and he needs money to pay for his phone and stuff - so I give him a bit of money and then am like here's your money pay your bills first as I can't afford to give you any more, even tho sometimes I do crack and give him some for like a can or something - it's only a couple of pounds here and there.

HA! If I told him I want to leave work he'd just tell me that we can't as we'd have no money for all our bills. I went to see my parent for over a week and the day I came back the flat was a MESS and I mean a mess- yes I am a neat freak but it was a MESS, there we models all over the floor - wrappers, cups with mouldy tea in the bottom, cat food everywhere, the dishes for the cat looked like hadn't been cleaned since i'd been gone. and the hover and polish needed to be done - oh and food pots so after the whole I've missed you let do the no pants dance as he calls it meaning $ex, I spent that night cleaning and then had to open the window as the polish gave him a headache.

He doesn't clean unless I remind him - but not nag him?!

But nobody expects you to take responsibility for making up for that. We are all responsible for our own lives and happiness in the end. Nobody can take responsibility for another's happiness - that's way too big and it just can't be done.

What you give to this relationship is everything, by the sound of it. And aiming to make him happy is like aiming to reduce the national debt. You'll never make the tiniest dent because his happiness - all his feelings - come from inside him, not from what you do. A relationship is about two people enjoying each other's company, being kind and gentle with each other and working as a team for goals you both want to achieve. Does this man have any goals or is he still just a kid really, thinking of the next little pleasure that's coming along?

He sounds very like he wants to be your child really and have you take care of all the hard stuff. And it's not because he didn't have a mum - plenty of guys with great mums are just the same.

I'm glad you're keeping the money separate. Of course you can trace transactions online but by then it's too late, but as long as you're doling out pocket money he probably isn't going to try anything.

You say you can't really not give him money - well, actually you could. If he expects you to work, then so should he, shouldn't he? If he is sick, what s he doing about getting treated and getting well enough to work? Is he on any medication, seeing the GP regularly, having outpatient appointments at the psychiatric unit, getting counselling at all? Depression is pretty vague, but if it doesn't stop him having a sex life and enjoying his hobbies it can't be too bad! Who actually diagnosed him?What would happen if you got really sick and couldn't work?

I'm glad you're not paying for his gun club and rifle, though. Has he ever had a job or did he live with his dad before? He sounds like someone who has always been protected from the realities of life by a parent and he's just swapped straight to you. He's very dependent, isn't he, and I'm wondering whether you wouldn't do better with a man rather than a boy? Maybe it's time for him to grow up?

I just hate the thought that he might be taking advantage of you because that wouldn't be fair.

It would be interesting to see his list of what he expects, though. I reckon before we get into relationships, we should all make lists and swap them with prospective partners. It might save some nasty surprises later!

You sound like such a lovely, caring person Kitten, and you should have the very best from a relationship because you're so worth it!

Flower x

His only goal as far as I know is to get a job.

I think he knows if he ever stole from me he'd be outta the door so fast his head would spin and all his lovely expensive models would say Hi to my show or the wall.

He does want a job - I apply for him almost everyday and he does market research with cash incentives that we either buy food with or split between us, as I find them and he takes part.

No where seems to take him on. He had a job on the government scheme for 6 months - but after them six months although they really wanted to they couldn't take him on as they couldn't afford his wage - he loved the job and was a completely different person. He doesn't properly sleep - he goes / comes to bed at like 5am and doesn't get up till 1pm claiming he is tired and doesn't want to get up.

The doctor diagnosed him but he refuses counselling because he said they don't help - which I can believe as they didn't work for me when I left my ex.

He lived with his dad before - but he was a horrible - he had a bed time at 21years old - he had to be in his room by a certain time - and to make sure his dad would turn off the electric at the certain time.

Am still searching for the list think I may have thrown it away when I was upset.

And thank you flower - I know its just a bunch of words on a screen but it's really nice having some to talk to.

Nice to talk to you, too. I can see how hard this is for you, if he is really keen to work and there's just no response. It's very hard to get started in the current climate. Has he tried any sort of job club? Is he spreading his net widely enough? If he really wants to work he'll need to be completely open to anything and everything. My son - a year or so older and a student - looking for a summer job is ready to do 'room attendant' (chambermaid in old money!) to make a crust.

Once your partner gets a start and has something on his CV, can show he got up reliably, went in punctually, didn't pull sickies all the time, earned his money doing something hard, then he starts to look like someone to be taken on for something better. The longer he just has a gap, the lees likely he is to get any nibbles. He'd have someone to offer as a reference and meanwhile he'd be exhausted from hard work, not from staying up all night, and he'd have some pride in bringing in some money.

Food and catering take on lots of folk, and retail of all kinds, and call centres (though not the cold calling sort that have quotas!). One tip that got my son a job was printing out his CV and skills and dropping it off at every business within walking or bus distance. Also he did 'flyering' which was standing around in the cold in the small hours handing out leaflets for shows and gigs to people coming out of night clubs etc. He did this in the daytime, too sometimes. I have to say he is really hard on his boots - I cannot believe how he wears out shoe leather, but he walks everywhere since his pushbike was stolen.

I can see you don't want to come across as controlling, like his dad (sounds awful!) but do keep encouraging him. The market research sounds good, but he should be applying for jobs for himself, shouldn't he? I'd back off a bit from that, instead of filling a form in online or composing an email, sit beside him and suggest things if he gets stuck, then try to do less and less so the achievement is HIS when he succeeds.

And he could try counselling again with a different counsellor, maybe?

Good luck with it all!

Flower xxx

We don't know of any job club =/ Job center signed him up to an agency which is menna help - but he never gets any appointments,

He has been looking for about 7years... I have told him about things like catering that but he really can't stand it - think he wants something office based tbh.

He tried handing out his cv I handed some out too - but he never got anywhere... everytime he hears nothing - he gets even more depressed...

Ouch. That is a very long time to have a gap on the CV. I would say that the work culture is well and truly gone from his life, if it was ever there.

He is simply not going to walk into an office job - that's a dream - and by holding out for it he's spoiling his chances. he can't afford to be picky.

Here's a suggestion (I'm full of them, do tell me to butt out when you're sick of me!) his best option surely would be to enrol on some sort of college or access course and improve his qualifications, wouldn't it? He could pick something vocational which would involve work placements and exposure to opportunities. He'd be showing he used his time wisely while looking for work and getting into a college routine would be good preparation for a job. He'd feel good about himself and be going somewhere. Even his depression would probably lift as he had success. His CV would look different and employers would look at him differently, too.

No matter what qualifications he's already got he can go a bit further. If he still needs that magic GCSE maths or English C, he could go for them. Online or your local library would be a good place to look for courses. If has learning difficulties there is still help and appropriate courses to be had out there. Lots of courses are free or he could talk to the kob centre about funding. If I were you I'd put mu hand in my pocket for this as it will benefit you, too, if he gets out and studies every day and has more life chances. he could be much happier.

It's not like going back to school - student life is much more free and exciting. His social life would pick up, he's have new friends and he might be eligible for some sort of grant or student loan so he's have some money of his own to manage and not have to come to you for pocket money. All pluses for him and you.

Now, if he is reluctant to do this - and it's EXACTLY the right time of year with September looming and results out and everyone enrolling! - or if he avoids talking about it or gets annoyed with you for mentioning it or suddenly decides he's too ill to enrol, well......then you might have to think hard about whether you are a girlfriend or a one-woman welfare state!

Good luck!

Flower xxx

He won't do any more college / work experience stuff...
I have suggest uni / community college but he just won't listen to... (however if I don't listen to him an argument ensues)

It's just so frustrating. I want to quit my job so that money I have in mine - we'd both have to be on JSA but I'd have my own money - not that we could live on JSA. We have too many bills like bank charges, phone bills, insurance,ect.x

where do you see this relationship going? He seems to have painted himself into a corner, doesn't he?

No job, not really looking for one any more, not willing to study or improve his qualificatons, not listening to you, not wanting to talk to you when you want to talk, demanding his own space, picking fights with you, expecting/letting you do all the working, cleaning and bill-paying, not letting you talk to your mother or spend time with your family, claiming to be depressed for years on end and not apparently getting any better or trying new therapy or treatments for it.

Where does he see the relationship going?

What happens when you try to talk with him about the future together?

Is this how you want to spend your life? You're young, yet you're even considering giving up work to live in benefits like him just so you don't feel taken advantage of. (I think this would be an even bigger trap, actually). And I'm not sure you'd even be eligible for JSA if you quit your job, you know.

Have you convinced yourself that this is all you're worth? That you're lucky to have him? That this is as good as your life ever gets?

Because I disagree, Kitten. You should be having way more fun and excitement than this and be planning for a happy future, not tied to this person who seems to be draining all the joy and promise out of your young life.

Coul dit be time for a change?

Flower xxx