ARCHIVE - Leaving an abusive relationship
i think I have decided to end my emotionally abusive marriage before either it does turn worse, it effects my kids or drives me completely mad. Although he pushes me sometimes, pokes me or might sarcastically grab my face, bottom etc n say 'oh aren't u beautiful' apart from one time he's never hit me. I am not in physical danger...therefore i don't know if i'd ever get an occupation order.
He wont leave...when he's been in one of his rages n i've told him its over he backs down n says he will become 'the perffect husband'. Yet time and time again i will do or say something he doesn't like and he gets in a rage. I'd say its 2 big rages a week and at least 4 smaller ones.
I don't want to move out. As i've said on here before...i can afford the mortgage, wouldnt rent anywhere as cheap etc... And my friends, family, kids school etc near by.i can't go on walking on egg shells like this. Its making me depressed, turning to alcohol and compulsive spending to cope with reality
Created by thetallestsunflower on 25-Jun-12 19:09 GMT
If he threatens, swears, gets up in your face, towers over you, intimidates you - if it's scary and makes you fear you might be about to be hit or manhandles, it's assault and you can call the police to him. He doesn't need to actually touch you. His behaviour is NOT OK, not part of normal give and take. Look what it's doing to you!
You could ask him to get help with his rages and warn him you've had enough and will be calling for help if it continues. You might well get that occupation order. You start to put a pattern of evidence together at the very least.
You think you're powerless here, but you're really not.
Good luck, stay safe and keep posting.
Posted by Flowerchild on 25-Jun-12 20:41 GMT
One time is enough! Something I wish I'd believed before.
Flowerchild is right, intimidation is enough to get police involvement.
I agree with her also that you should call him on the rages, tell him that they can't continue. When you do this, however, make sure you are in a safe place and able to get to an exit or telephone to access help in case the conversation itself causes him to flip out. My ex always reacted massively when I called him on his behaviour.
Good Luck. Keep posting.
Posted by LadyBlahBlah on 25-Jun-12 20:51 GMT
This sounds like the way my husband was, constant emotional abuse, lots of small rages then massive ones at the weekend when he would drink a lot. I just kept putting up with it,he would apologise, buy me things.. etc. The thing is i never realised it was abuse because he never hit me, i never thought people would believe what i was saying. The one day in public, he hit me on the head, at that moment i walked out of his life, i stayed on a couch at my friends house, then found t room to rent somewhere. It was easier for me because i have no kids, but there is always a way out. I hope it works out for you. x
Posted by shannon on 25-Jun-12 21:16 GMT
i have had the police twice to him in 2008. It was when he was having a manic episode as he is also bipolar. Both times he got into such a huge rage nothing would stop him. The first time he calmed down by the time they arrived. Second time he was sectionned for 4 weeks.
He has got worse in the last 2 yrs though and i don't consider the abusive behaviour to be a consequence of the bipolar (in anycase even if it is he's refusing to speak to doctors about it, insisting he doesnt have a problem as he can control it).
I wish he would seak counselling. I don't believe he's an evil person, just unable to control his anger, insecurities, paranoia etc...
Posted by thetallestsunflower on 25-Jun-12 22:02 GMT
The fact is, he IS doing it. And reusing the medication that might stop it - maybe. So look at it however you like, he thinks it's OK and he is choosing to let himself behave that way. Whether it's illness or malice, the impact on you is identical, isn't it?
Forget what he's thinking, Maid, focus on what YOU are thinking and feeling. what YOUR needs are.
Posted by Flowerchild on 25-Jun-12 22:26 GMT
Well done for coming to this conclusion as a life free from abuse has always got to be so much better. Your partner displays a lot of anger and aggression and his abusive behaviour is escalating. You have recognised this which is a great start to help you get the right support. It is good to see you reaching out as sometimes taking the next step can be a daunting prospect.
If you haven’t contacted them already the Helpline is a good starting point. Please also consider contacting The National Centre for Domestic Violence here or on 0844 8044 999 or your local service as suggested previously. It is after all possible to take out an injunction if you have experienced emotional abuse.
We are all here for you, let us know how you are getting on.
Posted by WA Moderator on 25-Jun-12 22:27 GMT
I always believed that my husband had some personality disorder, i believed if he got help things would get better, but its so much more than that, they have beliefs on how to treat women from a young age that wont change. I learned this from the freedom programme and i could see how true it was. I don't know how many people will agree, but i could see my husband got his traits from his dad, his dad treated his mum like crap. I remember the day after our wedding day when he dragged me out of our hotel room naked and how i had to go to his parents room for help, his mum said to me, 'ive put up with this for 40 years, get used to it'.. i did for one more year before i seen sense.
Posted by shannon on 25-Jun-12 22:36 GMT
It DOES get passed down by example - my abuser told me last week that he didn't know any other way to manage his anger other than aggression and blamed watching his father and mother fighting.
Now, I believe he chose to behave like this, but he did have the example. If his mother had got out when the violence began and raised him away from his father she'd have spared herself AND ME decades of abuse.
You're the smart one. No child of yours will witness you being abused and be spoiled as an adult as a result. Wish I'd got out after just a year.
Posted by Flowerchild on 25-Jun-12 22:53 GMT
I guess it almost seems obvious to us, look at their fathers and decide if you want to be with someone like them.
Posted by shannon on 25-Jun-12 23:00 GMT
when I started going out with him. I had no idea...
Posted by Flowerchild on 25-Jun-12 23:14 GMT
yes he often says that the way he treats me is no where near like as bad as his dad was with his mum and also with him as a child.
I grew up in a happy stable family which is what i want for my kids. If i look at how my own dad was with my mum and with us as kids, i can see how far off normal my husband's behaviour is.
I've made the decision to end it-preferably by getting him to leave but am really scared of how hard it will be. He won't simply take it lying down.
Thanks for all your support ladies. Xxx
Posted by thetallestsunflower on 25-Jun-12 23:18 GMT