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I'm totally and completely exhausted! The twins are keeping me run ragged! Despite every helpful tip I'm trying to take on board but even so it's just so tiring. I didn't expect it to be easy and believe me when I look at their gorgeous faces it is COMPLETLEY worth it. But I'm just soooo fed up. I've been a punch bag for the second time tonight..his reason was because 'they' are crying and can't I do seething right? I'm so tired I didn't have the strength to fight back. I just want all of us to be a happy little family. The four of us together. Yet there's no support from him what so ever and I'm running around after 3 little children not just two! Sorry for my rant but I just feel like I'm going to explode. Xxxxxxxx
Created by Emma-Jane on 21-Jun-12 23:06 GMT
it only gets worse - the violence.
There will be no happy family with him i'm afraid.
Please try to speak to someone - the health visitor/GP - someone. Reach out hun because what you are dealing with is too much and i worry for you.
That post Lisa did earlier about the 999 text service. I think you should register your phone tomorrow - just so that it's there as an option. Is the violence escalating in severity/frequency..?
Don't apologise for 'ranting' - you weren't and you are dealing with two hugely difficult things - TOGETHER. You deserve a bloody medal. Jesus christ, most people would struggle with just one - and no criticism to them. You've just had a baby - oh no, two babies and your husband, the man you love has betrayed your trust and is beating you, when you need him most.
How you are holding it together i do not know.
Emma-jane, try to stay sane and know you are not alone in this.
My thoughts are with you and i urge you to think of your safety and that of yr little ones.
Take care hun & know that what he is doing is sooo wrong.
Posted by Chloe on 21-Jun-12 23:33 GMT
You really need some help: a couple of burly police officers through your door to deal with this criminal - because that's what he is!
If you were out and about in public with your babies and a stranger hit or punched you, everyone who saw would be dialling 999 and coming to your aid and your attacker would be arrested. Just because he is your husband and the attacks take place behind closed doors doesn't make it acceptable - it's worse because he has promised to love, honour and cherish you and he should protect your little children not put them at risk!
Wanting that happy little family won't make it so I'm afraid. Hoping he'll change and things will improve won't make it so either. Once the violence starts, all the evidence shows it tends to escalate, especially when you're at your most vulnerable after giving birth and with tiny babies in the house.
Show him you CAN do something right: you can protect yourself and your children by using a phone!
Really concerned for your safety here, my lovely - this is more than you can handle or should try to handle.
Posted by Flowerchild on 22-Jun-12 00:13 GMT
if your house was on fire ....what would you do?....pick up your babies and run
if you stay where you are right now, you are only elongating the inevitable.
As the others say, if he is doing this now, he is not going to suddenly change his ways over night, but you can change your situation Now.
Wait for him to go to work, and call the helpline, or better still, call your Health visitor/GP, You cannot carry on like this.
The most important thing right now, is that you get some support for yourself so that you can then be the person who takes care of your babies and you.
No wonder your exhausted, just realised that you have a toddler too?!
Posted by ka3n on 22-Jun-12 06:47 GMT
So why the but? But maybe he will change? Maybe this weekend will be different. We've got a wedding to go to tomorrow with a lot of our joint work colleagues. I know he will be lovely, super charming to everyone...me included! I look forward to the time we spend together,away from the stresses of work! Just wish the nice bits of this marriage could be a little more consistent I guess! Much better night last night, he was in a pleasant mood and the girls slept for more than an hour at a time....at the same time (Flower I could kiss you for ur parenting advice I truly could!!!!!) lots of love to you all. Emma Jane xxx
P.S. sorry to confuse you all, only actually have two children, just
Meant it feels like 3 when he is acting up! Sorry xxx
Posted by Emma-Jane on 22-Jun-12 07:01 GMT
Its all so confusing so difficult. I have one baby but like you with my husband feels like to babies. I honestly thought my husband would change when we had our baby and he has nt not at all in fact he is probably worse sometimes. I am a few months into being mum now and realise its not going to change sadly. Its hard its really really hard its taken me so long to ask for help if i can do it so can you one day just did it made a phone call asked outreach to help me. Ok its not going as well as it could but its being sorted out. My heart goes out to you because i have some idea how you feel because i am living it to hun and its not nice. Lots of love x
Posted by Confused29 on 22-Jun-12 07:12 GMT
But they were really few and far between. Even then think, are you blocking out some of the behaviour during those alleged nice events. A prime example I can give was the day he gave me my engagement evening. Lovely time, really romantic and an unusual venue (which of course I had arranged) and then I went to the bar and was mentioning I had got engaged, showed them the ring. When I turned around he was right there, watching me. He was supposed to be in a different room. He grabbed my arm really hard and started accusing me of being a sl@t etc. Now, I blocked that detail out. To me the night was amazing. But it wasn't. You don't do that to the woman you are allegedly wanting to marry.
So I suppose what I am trying to say is that the good times will get less and less and the good times may not be as good as you think....
I know that you crave the nice times and want consistency but he is not capable of it. That realisation is really hard to deal with and it will take time to get to grips with it.
I cannot imagine how awful it must feel when you have just had two beautiful babies, to need to end the relationship. But if you leave him you will be giving them a consistent future. This is a future that he sadly cannot give them and you. But you can and so hold on to that thought. That is in your control.
Thinking of you xx
Posted by Givemestrength on 22-Jun-12 07:26 GMT
really glad you had a better night and that he was more pleasant. You must feel you are starting to get a routine with the twins which is great. But you are probably also feeling you are living two lives with two different husbands, too, and that is soooo confusing and exhausting. Why can't he just be Mr Nice ALL the time? You hold on and hope for the best and try to forget the nightmare bits and everything seems fine and then suddenly, BANG you're back there again and he's attacking you. Honestly, lovely, you can't llive like that. The tension will destroy your happiness and eventually your sanity. It's torture waiting and hoping and being let down, never knowing when the abuse will come. Human beings are not designed to take that kind of situation which is why the fight or flight response kicks in, and you are suppressing it which is using enormous amounts of emotional energy. Energy you need to live your life and care for your babies. He is totally overloading all your circuits and something will blow if it goes on like this. That's why you feel like you're going to explode.
And tomorrow you have a wedding with colleagues where you and the babies will be dressed up, taking all the attention away from the poor bride with the gorgeousness of your little instant family! He will no doubt be basking in the glow of being the man who has everything, getting congratulated all round and told how lucky he is (he is!) and women will be envying you your darling girls and your lovely husband so proud and doting...
And all the time you and he are aware of the serpent in the garden, the elephant in the room, the huge, ugly, dirty, cruel secret that lurks just under the surface. You'll be thinking, if those people knew the truth about us... he'll be thinking, she'd better keep her mouth shut...
Here's my suggestion - ignore it if you will - but why not use this happy occasion to initiate a serious talk with him? On the way home, or later when you're both sober and relaxed and the babies are asleep (yes, both at the same time) tell him you need to talk. Mention the wedding, the happiness, the vows your friends made. Talk about what 'for better, for worse' MEANS - stuff like lost jobs, sickness, crying babies. Remind him that he made promises to you - and that he isn't keeping them right now! He promised to love, cherish, share everything (good and not so good) and so did you. You're keeping your promises - you didn't promise to have babies who would never cry, or to be a perfect mother, or to be HIS mother and treat him like a baby (did he get this kind of babying from you before you had the twins?). He is NOT keeping his. His violence is frightening, hurting and stressing you. This is not how someone who loves and cherishes you behaves. His job is to protect his babies and support their mother, not to make your job even harder.
Ask him, how does he think you FEEL when he kicks off? Or when you're anxiously waiting to find out whether this is one of his times for kicking off or for being nice? Does he care what he's putting you through or only about himself? Can he begin to empathise and feel remorse for what he has done or is he incapable fo thinking about anyone but himself?
Remind him how he loved being the centre of attention at the wedding with his three gorgeous girls. Ask him what those folk would think if they knew what he did. Not just once but again and again. What do real men think of a man who hurts his pregnant wife? Who hits her in front of his babies? If those folk could watch a movie of him kicking off, how would they judge him? Tell him to think, long and hard, before he answers. He should be ashamed.
Ask him whether he actually values what he has - home, wife, family, your devotion. Ask him if he's ready to lose it all. Every bit. You, the children, the house, the respect off his colleagues, even his job if he needs CRB clearance to do it!
He needs to understand that if you call 999 the next time he hits you, he will probably be arrested, charged and likely to be found guilty of assault and/or ABH. All sorts of consequences will probably flow from that including him being ordered to get out of the house, pay maintenance, lose contact with his children.
Tell him he must change, must seek help from his GP in the first instance, must commit to a programme of counselling and support for abusers. If he says he can do it alone, or with your help - statistics say HE CAN'T. Besides, you haven't got the capacity of the professional skills (I'm guessing here) to counsel an abuser. And even if you did, he needs to work with someone outside the situation.
I'd offer him ONE chance to get this fixed and be the person he promised to be for you and the girls. If he tries to blame you (you should stop them crying, you should be able to cope) or tries to minimise (it was only a little push, you're over-reacting) or tries to justify (everyone loses it sometimes, other men do worse things) or plain denies it (you must have dreamt it, you need mental attention) then he mustn't even have that chance. If he goes down any of these roads you and the babies are not safe.
Tell him, we can't live this dream life while you behave like my worst nightmare!
If he promises to get help, you could agree to give him a last chance but please talk to the helpline (while he's at work),make an escape plan, get 999 on speed dial and be ready to act quickly and decisively if he so much as shouts, threatens or lays a finger on you or the girls. Women on here have been attacked and pushed to the floor while holding their tiny babies, so don't put a hair of their precious heads at risk for a second.
I really hope he is one of the very few who can change and make himself worthy of you all.
Posted by Flowerchild on 22-Jun-12 11:16 GMT
next your beautiful babies.
I am so sorry to be so blunt, but truly he is jealous of them. He is jealous that his once peaceful life has been interrupted by the crying and bottles and responsibility of being a dad. He is rough with you can you imagine what he will be like when your babies become toddlers and push his buttons. What if he becomes so cross that he shakes one of your babies? I have seen this happen, and because both parents deny shaking the baby the babies are taken from them, he would not admit to it, and as the mother could not admit to it as she did not do it and if she did admit to it he would get custody of the baby which he has harmed. It is a no win situation. The baby ends up in ITU and may make it through, if they do they may be brain damaged. GET OUT NOW, please do not delay!
You will be able to relax with your children and sleep when you want to. This is not your fault it is his. I am sorry I know I am also in an abusive relationship so I am unable to preach I am just really concerned for your safety and the safety of your babies.
PLease you can have your happy ever after with your beautiful babies not him. You may get more help from people because you tell them that he is no longer in your life, and the reasons why. No one will think bad of you for getting out of this relationshp- and if they did they would need their head testing!
Posted by awoken on 22-Jun-12 11:25 GMT
its such a stressful time when uv just had lil one's as it is, without the pressure of abuse ....i'm 2 and a half years out now and took my lil one to refuge as a baby, its all so daunting the realisation that its getting progressively worse not really knowing which way to turn even for me i was so terrified of being a lone parent (even though i did it all ne way ) , the hope that a happy family can be created is there too, it took me a very long time to see that not only that couldnt happen but that he wasn't even going to be safe to be a dad to our child, iv grieved all that now the hopes the dreams the future ..im not saying its an easy journey but one step at a time we can all get to where we want to be ...these men cannot change if they dont think they have a problem and even then the success's are far out weighed by the ones that fail dismally ...you should be so proud that you have opened up here and told a little of your story , ur a strong lady though you may not see this right now, the statistics are there 2 women every week killed by a current or ex partner and 1 child every 10 days killed by a parent in the uk on average but there are also happy ending like mine ...although i have ptsd ( post traumatic stress disorder) i have a comfy home, a happy lil one, and am launching my own buisness in jan...the most important thing right now is to have support for you friends family or through womens aid if you feel ready to talk the helpline is awesome, u deserve to be happy and free from fear, take good care of you and be kind to yourself impy xx
Posted by impy on 22-Jun-12 14:08 GMT
I'm not ready or at least not willing to just walk away from this without even addressing the situation.see if he knows,realises or at least will attempt to understand how his behaviour is affecting me.how desperate I am? The fact that I will have to leave if his behaviour doesn't change! He has one last chance. Flower I'm taking your plan and I'm running with it! We will be the happy little family tomorrow (oh my gosh you should see the girls outfits!!) if for nothing else but to proove to him how good we can be together when he behaves!! And before tomorrow evening when I hopefully will find the courage to talk to him!! Thankyou everybody for all your advice,you all seem so strong,sorted,courageous women! I just wish I had a little more of your fight!! I hope u are all safe. Lots and lots of love Emma-Jane
Posted by Emma-Jane on 22-Jun-12 18:40 GMT
Fingers crossed for a good outcome. The secret is to really mean every calm, rational, clear word you say and be prepared to follow through decisively. And to have that escape plan sorted and ready. If he begs, pleads etc, don't be swayed but listen carefully to what he commits to DO. Words are cheap. When mine would say, 'But I love you!' I had to say, 'Well what do those words actually mean to you? How would I KNOW I was loved by you? What have you done (not said) to show your love convincingly? Lately? Today?'
If he says you're breaking up the family, firmly remind him that it's his behaviour that's ruining your happiness and security.
He probably has NO idea how you're feeling or how desperate he has made you with his behaviour but he will have no excuse not to know once you've finished talking. Make sure he understands that he needs to listen and you're only going to have this conversation once, now or never.
You could write down key points he needs to change for him to look at later. This worked with mine because he used to say he couldn't remember or he would twist round what I'd said. If it's on paper, especially if it's saved on a computer or emailed to him, he can't say he doesn't know what you want!
Stay strong, stay safe, enjoy your big day out and - keep posting!
Posted by Flowerchild on 22-Jun-12 19:02 GMT
....this man has absolutely no respect for you or his family.......i agree with awoken......he is jealous of your 2 babies ........i am very afraid for their safety as well as yours.....if i read your posts correctly and the timescale...he is escalating in violence....soon you will not be able to do or say anything right......from my own personal experience the abuser gets worse...never better.....i understand you want the loving idyllic family with the perfect loving partner/father......you are not going to find it with this man!..i am sorry to be so blunt but i want you to face reality ...when he realizes that you are not content with his treatment of you or that you are contemplating leaving...he will try to increase the control over your every move...and become more aggressive and violent.......you see he must be in control and call the shots...you are not allowed control over your life or to question his authority......and if he really wants to hurt you some more .....he will target the very thing you love most.... your beautiful babies..........i hope by the time you read this you had a wonderful day at the wedding and you got some gorgeous photos of your little ones in their dresses.....i have no doubt he behaved impeccably at the wedding......too many people there and he has an audience to impress !........please please pick up that telephone and call the helpline....ideally you should call the police....or at least get those bruises seen by a GP or Health Visitor......your future and your babies future is at stake here....maybe even your lives....
...gather information now....make some calls...read other posts on here....trust me we have not always been strong....we too have had husbands/partners/children.........have suffered terrible, terrible traumas and abuse.....and this is not the ramblings of a 'bitter' woman...it is a very worried fellow caring being .....
take good care of yourself and babies....
much love and hugs
Posted by SIS on 22-Jun-12 22:14 GMT
he seems like a dangerous man and any suggextion of leaving can often make them even worse. Make sure you can access help. I left when my twins were babies and tneir sibling was a toddler and it was the best thing i've ever done. For me and the children. I stayed for eight years dexperately clinging onto the drdeam. I won't lie, sometimes i still do, two and a half years on but it isn't ever going to happen. You won't leave until you're ready butwhen you are you'll be strong enough and believe me it's a million times dealing with bringing up multiples, working and the rest without the degradation, humiliation and constant fear of living with one of these nasty pieces of work. I'm deliberately tarring them all with the same brush because essentially they're all the same man. Good luck. Will be thinking of you this weekend x
Posted by cocapebble on 23-Jun-12 00:22 GMT
About you having this talk with him. Particularly if it is after drinking at the wedding... ? Can you do it tomorrow? They do not respond well to such a chat and I echo KA3N's concerns that this will escalate the violence. For him to change is near on impossible. I am sorry this is blunt but it's the truth. He would need to attend a perpetrator's project to really address it and my money is on the fact that he does not have a problem.
Hope you are having and good day and please take care of yourself and your babies.
Posted by Givemestrength on 23-Jun-12 18:03 GMT