ARCHIVE - Leaving an abusive relationship

I've decicded to leave on my next payday even if a refuge won't take me. I can't go through it again and the signs are already there, I should of picked up on these sooner. I have started taking my meds again.
My son knows how bad it got with my ex husband and last partner I'm facing surgery to stabilise my spine and he pulls me to the ground. He's being really nice to me at the moment but I'm walking on egg shells and now the nightmares are back again. When he shouts I break out in a sweat and start shaking and my stomach plays up like mad he moans at me for not eating but how can I when he's like this everytime I try I feel sick and sometimes I am physically sick I can't live like that.