ARCHIVE - Leaving an abusive relationship
He's in deep denial! Yesterday I gave him my final reflection on his response (or not) to my ultimatum of last August.
Tonight I told him I was writing up the grounds (unreasonable behaviour) for the petition to go off and offered to show him. It's better apparently if he knows what's there before the papers are served on him.
But he's not interested. Says he's perfectly reasonable, he'll dispute whatever I say, take it all to court and I'll be the one who has to pay because it's all my idea. Apparently I'm the unreasonable one and he's behaving really well in not laughing at my antics.
He always has dealt with difficulties by pretending they don't exist, so he's running true to form.
Does he imagine if he stubbornly sits tight that someone will order me to stay married to him?!
Has anyone had this response from an abuser and dealt successfully with it?
Am going ahead regardless with the petition, of course.
Flower (at a loss)
Created by Flowerchild on 7-Jun-12 22:25 GMT
sat with his fingers in his ears like a little kid saying 'i'm not listening, i'm not listening na na na na na'
how can he think his behavour is reasonable? it's not denial it's pure delusional!
it sounds like you are going to have a fight on your hands. i don't know anything about divorce really, apart from the fact that solicitors are expensive and if one person is dragging their feet it will get even more expensive. hopefully someone else will come along with more postive advice.
but, i am glad to see this post from you flowerchild - glad that you are starting proceedings and putting you and the rest of your life first xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Posted by PurpleButterfly on 7-Jun-12 22:38 GMT
It is very very rare that a divorce will not be allowed. Imagine the consequences, as you say, of being ordered to remain in a marriage which clearly one person has decided to end. It is him that will end up paying. If he puts you though a contest and you succeed (which you will) he will have to pay your costs if you decide to instruct a lawyer.
You might want to have an application and an affidavit for a non mol and occupation order in your back pocket should he become abusive as a result of the petition That's the only way I can see to deal with it. Do it, he won't get the last laugh but make sure you stay safe through the process.
Posted by Givemestrength on 7-Jun-12 22:47 GMT
Been there, done that and got the T-shirt - and got there eventually albeit several thousand pounds poorer (but worth every penny to keep my sanity)
I know it costs, but an abuser will throw all manner of spanners in the works so it pays in the long run to get a good solicitor acting for you and preferably a DV specialist. Mine was recommended by my local WA. He had great big sharp gnashing teeth (another essential).
We never showed my ex the petition before it was served on him for unreasonable behaviour - it honestly isn't necessary. At the time I was working away from Mon-Fri and only home at weekends. It was served on him on a Thurday night together with an ex-parte (emergency) non-molestation order before I came home on the Friday.
If he gets a solicitor his solicitor will advise him not to defend your petition or cross petition because it won't stop the divorce going through and will simply cost him a lot of dosh. He will probably howl outrage at your audacity to say he behaved unreasonably but it won't get him anywhere because solicitors have seen it all before. Mine howled outrage but it fell on deaf ears.
Expect delays because he won't go quietly. Mine refused to do his financial disclosure and we had to take him to court, and even then we were convinced he had a secret account somehwere but couldn't prove it. We also had to take him to court to get him to agree to selling the house and there were numerous other court hearings for various things.
From serving the petition to Decree Nisi it took eight months, and it took a further nine months for my Decree Absolute - about 17 months altogether. Fortunately the house sold within two weeks of putting on the market so no problems there.
So it can be done.
Best of luck,
Ash (gnashing teeth) xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Posted by Ashley on 7-Jun-12 22:49 GMT
You will know this but you to show 1) irretrievable breakdown and 2) unreasonable behaviour.
The courts are quite liberal on the unreasonable behaviour ground and tend to he view that if one person is petitioning then the marriage has irretrievably broken down. This is why he is doomed to fail.
Posted by Givemestrength on 7-Jun-12 22:50 GMT
You do not need to show him anymore papers. Just serve them. yes you will have to pay the court fees. He can contest them, but in general, the courts dont care to hear his side since how can he say he wants to stay married to a person who does not want to stay married to him? That worked in the 1960s and before but not in modern day. He is allowed to sign the papers without agreeing to the reason (my ex did this) so as long as you put enough in to show his unreasonableness, it should go through.
Word of warning though - sorry Flower have not been following your posts closely - but if you have kids together - mention the DV. He will kick off no matter what you put in the petition and you CANNOT entirely predict or control his response but if you have kids, and he goes for residency, and you bring up the DV, they will ask if it was mentioned in the petittion so eventhough ever bone in yoru body is saying try make things as smooth as possible, this process is not going to be smooth or peaceful and therefore you have to think ahead.
Protect yourself in the proceedings as well as physically. This time is an extremely dangerous time for you and for any woman who is busy leaving their partner and this extreme danger time remains for about a year after you have left. This is even the case if he has never lifted a hand to you and equally so if he has been physically violent.
Get a safety plan in place as a matter of urgency.
Get legal advice as soon as you can and legally and physically protect yourself
PS the other side is bliss and worth the trouble for. I am out the other side and am much much happier
Posted by Kia Kaha Wahine on 7-Jun-12 22:51 GMT
Do not show him the petition.
Posted by Givemestrength on 7-Jun-12 22:52 GMT
Have been tied up (figuratively) in a deep and meaningful since OP.
Exhausted. He showed me another side, another attitude (always only when we get right to the wire) swears he loves me, swears he's changed da-da, da-da. Also admitting past fault and saying he can see why I wouldn't want to stay. The most honest I think I've ever heard him.
I think it's too little, too late. He's asking for my trust but still resisting a perpetrator programme because I can't and won't guarantee that I will want him at the end of it.
I will take the advice about fining a solicitor who 'gets' DV, the affidavit etc. And I will make sure I'm safe!
KKW all our children are grown into young adults, thank goodness, so that is one huge battleground we can avoid. We married young and had them late after many trials, so I leave you to imagine how many years I've racked up with this treasure, hoping things would get better and being disappointed.
Thank you, thank you all and goodnight.
Posted by Flowerchild on 8-Jun-12 01:09 GMT