ARCHIVE - Life after abuse
first of all i want to thank the ladies that replied to my last post - i've just been in such a mess mentally and unable to reply. i went out for lunch with my friend on monday (was her talking about herself most of the time, so not great) and got home to find him on my doorstep.
it was just more of the same - him blaming me for everything - acting like the innocent victim and i was the perpetrator of all this. saying 'can't we just be civil'!!!!! civil!!!! he's been anything but, i have tried my hardest and i think, remained civil and polite in all of this - i have made no personal insults to him or told lies or made threats like he has.
i ended up just crying uncontrollebly and begging him to just leave me alone. he said he would - if i agreed to meet him once a week and unblock him from my phone so he could talk to me whenever he wanted!!!!!!
he's saying i've brought all of this on myself and it didn't have to get this far.
i've been such a mess all week after this and today started to feel a bit more 'normal' then he shows up again! asking me to have coffee with him and go for a walk with him to 'talk' and when i said no started getting nasty and made threats. luckily then a neighbour came out and started pegging out their washing so felt safe to shut the door on him.
but i can't take anymore.
why can't he understand that it is over???? is it because i took so much for so long that he finds it hard to believe that i have finally had enough?? i told him so many times i couldn't take anymore and then did.
it just infuriates me how he thinks/says that everything is okay for me - when it totally isn't! everytime my door goes i start panicking. if i don't answer the door to him he starts banging on the door and windows, posting c**p through my letter box/any open windows. when i came home on monday to find him there he said it was a good job i turned up when i did cos he was about to go and see my mum at work and tell her 'exactly what sort of selfish s**t c**t she had for a daughter'. then he said that he would never do anything like that and that i was stupid to believe him and i should know that his threats are just his way of telling me how difficult things are for him.
sorry it's a bit of jumbled rant i know but i can't get my head around it. i've had break ups that i didn't want - i remember one in particular. i did talk to him, asked him to reconsider and we talked it over but ultimately i accepted his decision, cried and felt rubbish for a while but knew, however much it hurt, that he just didn't want to be with me anymore. why would you want to coerce someone into being with you that you knew didn't want the same? i remember once making my sister come to a gig with me, a friend had dropped out and i didn't want to go on my own. i managed to coerce her into coming with me, but it was a horrible night - neither of us enjoyed ourselves and i just felt awful for making her come with me - never again.
i guess it's time to contact the safeguarding unit again and get the police to issue a harrassment order against him. i didn't want it to have to come to this, had hoped that he would just get the message on his own but that's not happening. my dad even had a word with him last week but that's not worked. i guess i just feel partly responsible somehow. cos looking back i see the red flags from early on, wanted to end it so many times but didn't cos the good bits were good.
i just worry that calling the police will make it worse.
thanks for letting me get this all out. love and strength to you all xxxxxxxxxxxxx
Created by PurpleButterfly on 2-Jun-12 12:33 GMT
You have been very strong to stick to your guns and not let him back. I think you should definitely contact the police about an harassment. It doesn't sound like he is going to stop, he is playing such cruel head games with you and its making you question yourself. You have done nothing wrong, you need him completely out of your life so you can have the safe and happy life you so deserve. I would contact the police as soon as you can, it sounds like he is getting worse each time you see him, you really need to protect yourself and be very careful. I will be thinking about uou, let us know how you get on, love and hugs xxx
Posted by veryunsure on 2-Jun-12 12:51 GMT
i just hate the way i let this affect me. i wish i could be stronger but he turns up and i'm just thrown and fall to peices. i've not eaten all day and am just smoking and drinking coffee - i know this is no good for me but can't face eating. the plans i had for today have gone out the window. i'm scared to go out but scared to stay in incase he comes back. every car i hear outside with a dodgy exhaust i think is him coming back.
i've just had my neighbour round who was hanging her washing out earlier - she says she'll keep an eye for me and that i can pop round any time i want. which is good of her i know - but i hate that it has come to this.
thanks again, hope you're doing okay today xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Posted by PurpleButterfly on 2-Jun-12 14:12 GMT
Please don't be so hard on yourself, the way you are feeling is perfectly understandable. I'm sorry he has left you feeling so on edge. You are lucky to have a neighbour that wants to help you, hopefully her support will help you to feel less alone, why not take her up on her offer and go round to her house, it might make you feel less on edge and I'm sure having some company would help you to distract from what's going on. I'm not great but that's life ay. Be kind to yourself, thinking of you xxx
Posted by veryunsure on 2-Jun-12 14:29 GMT
We should all have such a neighbour - can we clone her?
His mixed messages are a sign that he's not accepted the reality of the end of the relationship. He's pushing random buttons that have worked for him before and none of it is sincere. How could it be when he's saying different things with two adjacent breaths? And how can he possibly expect you to discriminate between what he really means and what he doesn't?
No, you're right, you need more help with this. No rational person would indeed coerce a reluctant partner into staying with them. Ergo, he is not rational and talking to him, letting have contact, tolerating his random appearances at your doorstep is not going to help one bit, is it? It upsets and frightens you and it makes him hope he can get back to controlling you.
Others on here know more about the law, but a non-molestation or restraining order maybe, where he knows he'll be arrested if he shows up? A call to the police non-emergency number would be a good start as it's a bank holiday. They would be able to advise, and you could alert them to your position so they know to make any call from you a high priority.
I think it is time for the big guns to come out as you've had a fair try at being reasonable.
Keep strong, stay safe, hold you head high, none of this is your doing!
Posted by Flowerchild on 2-Jun-12 15:19 GMT
I was pretty sure she'd be more interested in telling you all about what she was up to! And next time - with this friend or another one - it will be easier to socialise, especially if you know he won't dare be on your doorstep waiting...
Posted by Flowerchild on 2-Jun-12 15:20 GMT
i dragged myself out to get some food and had a little picnic besides the canal in the rain - got a few funny looks but being by the water calms me somehow. feel a bit better now but am really angry with him and with myself for letting him f**k my head up like he did.
flowerchild that you are right, he is in no way rational. it's impossible to have a conversation with him as he is never sincere and i do not trust a word that comes out of his mouth. he has usually been able to force me into talking to him or having coffee with him but today i didn't give in - thanks to my neighbour.
don't get too envious of my neighbour though ladies! she is of the nosey gossip variety - she's always trying to bad mouth other people to me and moaning about this and that - but as long as she keeps twitching her nets when my ex comes round i don't mind!
thanks again ladies. love to you all xx
Posted by PurpleButterfly on 2-Jun-12 21:11 GMT
Very Jane Austen: 'We are surrounded by a neighbourhood of voluntary spies,' or something like that. Is that from Sense and Sensibility? Mrs Jennings comes to mind. (Not saying it, but being the spy.)
But she's exactly what you need right now, so buy her a cheap digital camera and cherish her, I say. Worth her weight in gold right now. Maybe agree a code word you can hold up in your window so she knows to get help, even.
Good for you for getting out and not caring what anyone thought. I'm a waterbaby too but I need to get in it! Draw the line at canals, though...
Every time you refuse to be persuaded by him, resisting must get easier, don't you think? You are immunising yourself and will soon be unaffected by his persuasive tactics and able to stop even expecting him to make sense. We get hopelessly lost when they draw us into the labyrinth of their 'thinking'. There are no paths, no lights and no ball of string to hang onto.
I'll bet if you search your memory there are plenty of instances of a lack of logic in his everyday thinking, too. Mine can believe three mutually contradictory things before breakfast without apparent effort and forms most of his opinions on the 'everybody knows that...' principle. Yet he claims to do scientific thinking. 'I'd need to see the evidence for that,' he says, then when shown the evidence he rubbishes the study or the people who carried it out if the conclusions don't match his preconceived notions. Or he cherry picks evidence to support his views. I call it muddy thinking.
There is no reasoning with him and I have given up trying and have much more time and energy for other things. I highly recommend it.
Say hi to Mrs Jennings from me when you next see her, and tell her to keep up the good work!
Flower (rambling like an unpruned rose again)
Posted by Flowerchild on 2-Jun-12 21:35 GMT
than a mrs jennings - complete with always having a fag on the go! but yeah i see what you mean - it's good to have her on my side.
you're right too - it does get easier resisting him - he kicks up a storm but i just don't want him in my life anymore.
you call it muddy thinking i call it twisted logic - and it is a total labyrinth to go down there with him. i am getting better at not being hooked and quicker at spitting the hook out when i am!
i used to tell him he'd make a great spin doctor cos nothing was ever his fault - he'd come up with the most fantasical reasons why it was my fault he crashed the car when i wasn't even with him, why it was my fault he stepped in dog poo when he was out on his own, why it was my fault he didn't see his family as much as he wanted etc etc
thanks for your replies tonight xx how's things with you? have you got a leaving plan? xxxx
Posted by PurpleButterfly on 2-Jun-12 23:06 GMT
Scared to force the issue over this long weekend because if he kicks off there might not be help as quickly as I'd need it. Is that cowardly? The knife incident keeps popping into my head and I have seen his eyes go manic too many times in the past.
I always used to ask him to run past me again how climate change, the global financial crisis and colony collapse disorder in the bee population were my fault..?
But it's no joke really. He's playing at jolly but he knows there's no response.
Our youngest who is at home for the summer from university reports being asked by him yesterday what ONE thing he could do to make me want to stay. He's apparently still working out how to secure his future with the bare minimum of effort; the least he can get away with.
The answer given was that a lot more than one thing needed to change! Good reply, but better to have told him it was his responsibility to find out and referred him to me. Or he could always try looking at the document I wrote so carefully and shared with him nine months ago in August...
Plan is to get the paperwork filled in, sent off and served while finishing getting the house and garden ready for the market. Unhappy about his suicide threats but not willing to sacrifice MY future so he can go on blighting my life to continue his. Think he's actually way too self-absorbed to do it but could always be wrong. And he might decide to take me with him.
Is it a plan? The money is separated securely and i have my eye on a pretty little plot of land going cheap where I could build an eco house to live in and retire in a few years' time. Somewhere my friends and children (and their children in time) could be welcome and I could leave it to the kids as a shared holiday home when I go. A nice village with a great community spirit, not too small, not too big.
It starts to sound more and more like a plan!
Posted by Flowerchild on 2-Jun-12 23:29 GMT
and sounds sensible not cowardly to not force the issue when help may not be so forthcoming.
'not willing to sacrifice MY future so he can go on blighting my life to continue his' - is such a powerful statement. i have a funny feeling that you are going to do just great once you get out - and the eco home idea sounds fab.
so get that paperwork sorted and get started on the house and garden - the future is yours flowerchild xxxxxxxxx
oh and global warming is actually all my fault(i have the heating on too much, wear deoderant and wash my clothes too often)......don't you go taking all the credit! sweet dreams xx
Posted by PurpleButterfly on 3-Jun-12 00:08 GMT