ARCHIVE - Life after abuse

Me today after two years of being out.
He still has some control he still try’s to ruine my life, how through face book through friend, through my daughter, through my family. By watching me at times.
I have over the past few weeks felt so down. Even to the point of how best to end it all. But I have my daughter so would not do any thing stupid. I don’t think
I keep having night mares about what he has done to me, I don’t know why now as I have been out for so long. Why do I feel so down, I can see light at the end of the tunnel but I am so mixed up in my head.

The last thing to go is the house and I hope then I will be free, to get on with my life how I want to and were I want.
I don’t like feeling so down, I have been to the doctors and she has said may be try antidepressants again. I cant when I was at home with him he would make me take them he would put them in my drinks and not tell me. So now I really cant face them again. I am on the waiting list to see a councillor.

I think some of it is why I feel so down is some one close made me realise that I will never have my daughter come and live with me as I want as he keeps stopping her she is 19. he is one very cleaver man if he cant get to me he gets to her and threatens her if she does not do what he wants. (She loves us both ) are her words and cant seem to break the tie he has over her. One day with my help I pray she will escape his clutches.
When I left he said to me that he would do time for me and would find me and stalk me till he had his daughter with him. And would never leave us alone.
I had always said that it was not that bad at home with him, he only put his had around my neck about 8 times and through the odd cups of coffee over me or what ever he had in his hand to throw at me at the time, I never really understood what I did wrong .
I worked hard I looked after the house I paid the bills and gave him and my daughter a good life. but no I was never good enough for him he still found fault in what I did. After each time he put his hands around my neck he said sorry I will never do it again. I did a few years ago call the police after one such instance but did not tell them all he did, I wanted to scare him and tell him I meant what I had said I will leave. It worked for a while even a year or so more still the underlying control but no violence’s towards me, I stayed but again the violence was there again he lost control, I did not call the police this time, I waited I sorted out my life so I had a place to go and my daughter was away at collage, so I new she was safe.

I told him I was leaving (Bad Move On My Part )
He tried to rape me he through me on the Bed and again the hands around my neck and this time I could feel his grip getting tighter and tighter he let go and I got up and got out . He started to cry. I said I am going. I ran out the house just rembering my hand bag and keys. He followed me out the door shouting screaming at me to come back, he said “you are not taking the car”. I was in the car I was just about to drive off he hit the front windscreen and it smashed I could still drive away I did. I drove up the road, I was in such a state, so I stop pulled over and called my sister to come and get me. She called the police she told me to come to her place, I did what I was told,
Why cant i be happy , why does he still have this hold on me. why do i want to run away and never come back.!
Scared