ARCHIVE - Leaving an abusive relationship
So, in my post last night I said I thought I'd seen some positive signs of change as a result of his starting therapy. Famous last words. Wondered if I'd spoken too soon - and indeed I had!
This morning we had an argument, which as usual ended up with us going round in circles and with him being as manipulative as ever. If ever I express needs in the relationship, I am told I am making unreasonable demands. If I express disatisfaction with the relationship, I am told that I am in 'faultfinder mode' and that I enjoy rubbing it in about what a failure he is (note the self-pity). If I start getting angry, I am told that I am taunting him and that I'm obviously getting a kick out of it. If I am tired and irritable I am told I am being bossy and domineering. If I want to discuss an issue that is important to me, he walks away and says he is busy.
So nothing has fundamentally changed. Lundy is right when he says abusers use all kinds of manipulations to block you from getting anywhere with your grievances. I just feel I am being stymied from all angles. Excuse me while I go and bang my head against a brick wall...
Created by Ashley on 16-Feb-12 18:08 GMT
dont hit a head against a brick wall not your own anyway
please leave him, he sounds like a right dope. dont wish to offend you but you have to admit when you read your post the words he always does this or as usual or he always say that. are kind of a give away that hes not trying.
please promise not to harm youself. leave him helplesss and leave hehe
much love to you
Posted by pigeon on 16-Feb-12 18:17 GMT
Perhaps the open and frank conversation last night left him feeling out of control - hence the need to create a row and reestablish control this morning. Just a thought.
Posted by beingbrave on 16-Feb-12 20:27 GMT
It gave you a bit of hope I saw that in your post. But then there you go again round and round making you dizzy. Thats how they keep you hooked. Do you want to carry on like this?
Sorry to sound blunt Ashley, but I know the patten all too well as do you.
Hope he is being a bit nicer for now
Posted by awoken on 16-Feb-12 22:12 GMT
Don't want to bash my head so will go and punch a pillow instead (very therapeutic lol) I think I was probably hoping for too much anyway. Change for an abuser is a long and difficult process and he's only been in therapy a few weeks, so he's not going to overcome all his deeply entrenched behaviours overnight (if at all). Beingbrave, it did give me some hope when we had that open and frank discussion, but I think you are right in that he may have suddenly realised he had momentarily given up control, and then started an argument to regain it.
Awoken yes you are right. When I was married to my ex I spent years filled with anxiety and worrying and fretting about the relationship, and now I'm doing the same with my current partner. No doubt you're doing the same with your hubby. I reckon our time could be spent more productively rather than wasting it worrying all the time.
Still I said I'd give him six months but am going to concentrate on taking care of myself. meanwhile. x
Posted by Ashley on 17-Feb-12 10:54 GMT
They never change even with the right help........its always lying in wait.....they just bide their time and lead to us to a false sense of security!
Mine was having all the help out there and yet i truely thought he was changing........until he didnt get his own way or i started to stand up for myself!
At least im away from mine...................he is still hassling me and it is horrible and very scary still but at least i know if he were to trun up id hopefully have time to get help....
Get out if you can ladies......these things we are talking about dont deserve to hold the title "a man".........men dont abuse women...........only coward bullies do!
stay strong everyone x
Posted by xmas123 on 17-Feb-12 11:01 GMT
This always happened to me too!
I'd finally think things were going to be OK, and I'd feel happy again and full of hope... then it would all start again!
I have left and gone back so many times... I can remember his family getting involved once and one of them told me to go home and promised he wouldn't do it again... so I went home, things were great.. he was sorry this and that, full of promises etc...
The VERY next day he went totally psycho on me for not putting the washing machine on when HE told me to. I said I'd do it after my shower, as I wanted to was the shirt I was wearing, so that I could wear it that night... well he went crazy, shouting at me... then as soon as I went in the shower, he put the washing machine on without waiting for my shirt - just because he could. Just because he's an ars*hole!
It's always around in circles.. them going mad, you trying to explain and justify yourself, them critising you and justifying their abuse because you are 'this and that'... you trying to explain and talk it over... them giving the silent treatment for however long they decide they want to punish you for this time... you trying and trying to win them back over and stop the punishment... Things being OK again....
and then the whole cycle starts over again...
My ex would NEVER talk. He would shout and scream, smash things, call me names, accuse ME of being the abuser, tell me I make him feel like committing suicide and all the same rubbish... If I tried to talk through a problem, he'd shout and go insane, tell me he hasn't got TIME for THIS conversation! Tell me he has more important things to worry about in his life that my bullsh*t and cr*p. And all manner of other lovely things that he seemed to think were perfectly NORMAL to say to a wife!
It will never get better. They never change. You are just full of hope.. full of dreams and wishes... I was the same.. I lived in a fantasy world... I was hanging onto the illusion of the perfect man that he was when we first met... he was The One, my perfect man.. I fell deeply in love with him... He made so many promises, he was so nice! HA! NONE of it was true! But I couldn't let go of it, it was EVERYTHING I had EVER wanted... I had so many hopes, so many dreams, so many wishes... I hung on to them for 2 years. My entire soul was crushed because I thought that he would change, I tried so hard to get the man back that I fell in love with, I wanted it SO badly... But none of it was ever real! It was ALL a lie! He was NEVER that person, the promises were never true, they were never going to happen. I was in love with a "pretend guy" (which is what I've heard it referred to elsewhere)...
i realised all of this on my wedding anniversary... the illusion was shattered on our anniversary due to his explosive abuse and the silent treatment. Something finally shattered the fantasy world, the illusion and I saw the incredibly nasty monster that I had been living with for what he REALLY and TRULY is... He wasn't even physically attractive to me any more... his personality disgusted me.. HE disgusted me...
It was like I had been under a spell... like someone had transformed my vision... that I was actually married to an ugly, evil, disgusting slug... but a spell had been put on me so that I couldn't see that, but that I could only see this amazing and beautiful person in front of me...
Well, on my wedding anniversary, his mask fell off and I felt physically sick.. I ran for my life and I will never look back.
Please, please, please don't ever believe the promises, the lies, the cr*p. Any sign of 'love' is not real, any sign of 'care' is not real...
Mine tried it with a message that said 'happy valentines xxx' - I didn't fall for it. It's just another tactic. Usually I would have been like "ooohhh, how sweeet! he CARES!" **swooon** - ha, not this time. The truth of the matter is that he is a sneaky, slimey con-man.. and truthfully speaking had probably sent the exact same message to many women. I refuse to be under his spell any more. I see the truth. It took a LONG time to see it.. and I am still very, very confused and emotional... but coming on here and reading and sharing really helps keep me focused and on the right path.
The thing with these people is... the signs of affection, the things you think are because they care or love you are NEVER what they seem to be! It's all an illusion. They want something from you, they have something to gain and that is all.
Posted by WaterLily on 17-Feb-12 16:17 GMT
Have you been leading my life? Apart from the fact that my husband doesn't shout - but is calmly verbally abusive and nasty and when I lose my cool he immediately silences me (miming a zip across his mouth and holding his hand out with his palm out to me like a stop sign) and then accuses me of being a crazy unreasonable person who can't communicate... That is truly the only difference I am reading here. Otherwise I could have written the above. I am currently going through a divorce but he won't move out. He told me this morning that I must be having a 'mental abberation'. I see him the same way that you do - like his mask is off and I don't like the person I see now. And I can see he was always like that, but I just saw the mask and didn't understand what was going on. I saw the mask that he put on for other people outside of the house and I believed he was that person. I just want him as far away from me as possible, but we have children and I am just 'coping' and trying to get by.
Thank you for writing these words which I can so relate to - it really helps me as I still have moments where I wonder if it is me who is crazy.
Posted by beingbrave on 17-Feb-12 16:43 GMT
Yep, I know how you feel! They play these crazy-making games, then when you react - suddenly you're crazy, you're mental and you need to be in a mental home... or even better... YOU are the abuser! My husband would be sooooo abusive and I would cry and ask why he's doing it, so then he'd say that my f*cking crying and my shouting (even tho HE was the one shouting, I was just crying) made him suicidal and I made him want to kill himself..
It's all to project it on to you, so they don't have to feel bad and deal with anything that they do. It is not us... You are not the crazy one. You are so worn down by it all, so frustrated, so upset and confused... and he knows it.. he puts on this calm and collected cr*p and drives you crazy on purpose so that you will react to it.. and when you do, he says you're crazy or puts you on the silent treatment.. It's head games.
I hate that whole 'zip across mouth' - ha, I have had that exact same thing too! The whole thing used to make me so angry, soooooooooooooo frustrated and I would feel so desolate, so lost and so desperate... not know what to do, where to turn or how I would cope.
It must be so hard for you having to be stuck there due to going through a divorce and him refusing to move out. It's not easy at all.. It's such a horrible atmosphere. I don't think I could stand it, it would wind me up every breathing second. I would know the games he was constantly playing - always subtle always pretending he doesn't care... all made to make you crazy.
My ex-husband used to whistle and sing when I spoke, and look around the room for things... pretending I didn't even exist. The fury used to burn right through my very soul...
I hope you can sort things out and be out of there and away from him very soon!... Maybe buy some earplugs and wear them ALL the time! Or put headphones on ALL the time when he's around... block him out completely so that he can't get to you any more.
Posted by WaterLily on 17-Feb-12 16:53 GMT