ARCHIVE - Leaving an abusive relationship

What you wrote sounded so familiar to me it nearly took my breath away. My current partner seems to be of the opinion that following hours and hours of his verbal manipulation and bullying it is 'not that bad' as he hasn't physically kicked off ! In many ways its far far worse so that 'bloody rhyme' is nonsense.

Don't rush into moving him in. I let myself be pushed into leaving my small rented room to move in with my partner and i often wish I hadn't. At least I had my place of escape and I could send him home! Now I feel very trapped.

I wish you all the best. Remember we all deserve better. He's emotionally abusing you and thats 'bad enough'!

I wonder if the person who composed that rhyme was an abuser or a bully and wrote it to justify their behaviour? I'm so sorry to hear that you were bullied so badly at achool, it must have been really painful for you especially as you worried it might be your fault for being oversensitive etc. Bullying is horrible, bullies do it because they feel bad about themselves and need to persecute someone vulnerable in order to feel better about themselves. It gives them power because deep down they feel powerless. I've suffered a lot from workplace bullying - in one place it went on for four years but I didn't even recognise it as bullying - I just thought it was my fault because I wasn't good enough at my job. I'm having therapy and it has taken me some time to accept that my mother severely emotionally, verbally and physically abused me as did other members of my very abusive family. When you grow up with abuse, it feels familiar and 'normal' so when it happens outside you don't always recognise it for what it is, because you've been conditioned into believing it is your fault. The bullying I've experienced at nearly every place I've worked, and also in three abusive relationships, simply follows on from the bullying and abuse I experienced whilst growing up. Yet from some strange reason I wasn't bullied at school. I am now on a Pattern Changing course run by my local DV service and therapy is helping me to change the way I see myself.

I know what you mean about circular arguments because I have those with my partner too. The arguments are circular because the abuser will not allow them to be resolved because that would mean losing his Power and Control. Do you have Lundy Bancroft's book Why Does He Do That? If you don't, I really recommend you get it because it covers in so much depth all the sneaky tactics that abusers use.

Saying that if you really loved him you wouldn't let him suffer in his hovel of a flat is emotional blackmail, in which the blackmailer pushes your Fear, Obligation and Guilt buttons in order to make you do as he wants. He simply doesn't get it that if he wasn't abusive you would probably let him move in with you without hesitation.

Two really good books I have found helpful having had a mother and ex-husband who were experts at emotional blackmail are: "Emotional Blackmail" by Susan Forward, and "Who's Pulling Your Strings? How to Break the Cycle of Manipulation and Regain Control of Your Life" by Harriet B Braiker.

Sending you a hug,
Love Ash xxx

How do you find out about these?

Can you go on a pattern changing course even if it's not physical abuse?

Hi beingbrave,

I was referred to my Pattern Changing course by my local DV service, having been in three abusive relationships, two of which involved physical abuse and the other emotional abuse. And no, you don't have to be experiencing physical abuse to go on one. I'm not sure if Pattern Changing is offered everywhere - you would need to contact your local DV service to check, but a lot of DV services offer something called the Freedom Programme, which like Pattern Changing aims to change the way women think about abuse - we often unconsciously share the same core beliefs as abusers, and both courses aim to change those beliefs.

I'm learning a lot from my pattern changing course, and can really recommend it if there is one running in your area. It runs for 14 weeks for 2 hours a week, and there is strong emphasis on "The Bill of Rights" since most abused women are not conscious of their rights due to the way they have been psychologically conditioned. It also involves a lot of work on boundary setting and assertiveness, and also getting in touch with your feelings.

The Freedom Programme is a 12 week rolling programme where each week you explore one aspect of the central theme of "The Dominator", for example, the Headworker, the Jailor, the Badfather, the King of the Castle and others. You can join the Freedom Programme at any time. There is also a book written by Pat Craven who masterminded the Freedom Programme called "Living with the Dominator"

Hope this helps,
Love Ash xx