ARCHIVE - Leaving an abusive relationship
Hello everyone. After months of emotional and verbal abuse I was beaten by my partner very badly ten days ago. I am pressing charges and he is up in crown court in a few months. I can't sit still, can't think about anything else, cry a lot and get night terrors. I'm on valium but it's not helping. How long will this extreme anxiety last? I want to be normal again. Thank you.
Created by Betty on 13-Sep-11 09:38 GMT
I'm so sorry to hear what you have been through! The only thing I can say is that the fact you are reaching out for help and advice only ten days after this awful attack is a good sign that you sense you CAN get over this.
I really don't think there is a time limit. It takes as long as it takes. And you need to allow yourself to heal/grieve/rage/etc. Have you asked for a referral from your doctor or tried to get targeted counselling yourself? check out the helpline section on this page on the left hand side - there may well be the info you need there. You shouldn't try to cope with this alone.
The other people here are a little more experienced than me - and the moderator will be along at some point - so you might get some slightly more specific and more useful advice. Keep posting and checking in if you can, ok?
Posted by MissT on 13-Sep-11 12:33 GMT
You will be normal again, it will happen in time and I agree with Miss T that the fact you're already talking about it and reaching out is a great sign for your moving on. I felt like someone had torn off one of my limbs when I left my ex, was a complete mess and couldn't eat/ sleep, but slowly slowly it passed, so however long it takes, normality will return.
Good for you for pressing charges, that must be really hard, you are a strong woman and will get through this- keep posting or call the helpline if you feel anxious, and take care of yourself!
Sending love and hugs
Posted by poutku on 13-Sep-11 13:18 GMT
I'm not strong at all. I seem strong and I was a confident brave woman before. But now i am a shell of who I was. I feel like he has broken me. I love/loved him so much. Weirdly I am glad he attacked me so badly....I look like I have been in a car crash...otherwise I know I would take him back and I am DISGUSTED with myself for feeling like this. I can't walk. I am in constant pain. and STILL I miss him because he destroyed my confidence so much I think I am nothing with out him. I love him and I hate him. I am literally clinging onto sanity with my fingertips. He made me feel like I was so worthless but he would look after me. He took my friends away. He alienated my family. Luckily my mum saw through it all and bided her time. And my good friends all say "we knew something was up" He told me lies, told me my closest friends had made passes at him. I am so ashamed I believed him. When I close my eyes I see him holding my hair and biting my face. I am glad he physically hurt me so badly so I can start to break the mental hold he had on me.
Posted by Betty on 13-Sep-11 18:37 GMT
perhaps this is tmi for this forum..i do not wish to cause other survivors any distress
Posted by Betty on 13-Sep-11 18:38 GMT
It's never TMI for here! Some of these brave ladies have been through similar to you (and, believe it or not, some even worse than your terrible mistreatment). You can't shock or offend anyone. The only thing the mods watch for is that you don;t accidentally mention names or locations etc.
Unload on us - we can take it!
Posted by MissT on 13-Sep-11 20:22 GMT
I think you are very brave. I cannot imagine what it must be like to have that image...and the night terrors...
I also suffer from anxiety and I can say, that until recently, I did not know the meaning of living moment to moment. Sometimes, the only thing I am thinking about is the next hour and if I have a choice, I try to do something nice or absolutely nothing. This is because previously, I was always doing things, like keeping myself occupied so I didnt think about what was really in front of me. In the mornings I worry, and prepare and think about my 2 court cases, and then I give myself permission to have the afternoon off and take care of my kids. Doesnt always work but I try anyways. Some other things I do, watch mind numbing tv, hire a dvd, clean the house, phone a friend, plan a nice activity, cat nap on the couch at lunch time, go for a walk, deep breathing.
When my court days draw nearer, I have difficulty sleeping, on the day I am fine, but for a few days after I am really bad, and it takes about 2-3 weeks to get back to normality.
When your court case comes up, reach out as much as you can - friends, family, support workers, everybody. Then take it moment by moment because if you worry about what is ahead, it gets to be too much.
Mostly though, go easy on yourself. This will take time, you will resent that, but within the long process is a gift - and that is being present. I have never experienced such moments of joy, clarity and happiness as I have done in these last few months.
Sending you much love xxx
Posted by KiaKahaWahine on 13-Sep-11 21:57 GMT
I live in a very small town so perhaps my experience is not common but I have had so much support from the police, victim support and my local women's group. I have gone back to work and although in pain from my injuries it has taken my mind off things. I have told all my workmates. It is him who should be ashamed not me! And i was AMAZED by the number of women who said "yes i was in a relationship for xx number of years and i was beaten too" Had the court date come through. Also had lots of messages from HIS friends "he is so broken he loved you so much" that's love? hmmmm. Also some of MY stupid friends..can't you work it through..look at the photographs honey...soon shuts them up. But thank you so much for your replies. I was in a very dark place when i wrote this. I feel brighter every day. Ups and downs but better and better. xxxx
Posted by Betty on 21-Sep-11 16:26 GMT
You sound very strong, there's a fire burning inside you - I can feel it in your writing. I pressed charges against my ex and he was sentenced. I'm 10 months on from a horrific attack and am happy and content. Give it time, have counselling ( I swear this saved me). Glad you've had a positive experience with police and victim support. I did too. Keep posting and fingers crossed he receives a sentence that fits the crime. Mine got 8 weeks suspended for a year, 200 hours unpaid work, 12 months probation and had to pay me compensation. Got a restraining order too x
Posted by Athena on 22-Sep-11 08:01 GMT