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ARCHIVE - Leaving an abusive relationship
As I've now started getting help from a mental health crisis team (consisting of social workers and mental health professionals who visit me at home) I can see him getting more and more insecure and desperate/suspicious about my future plans with him.
The most disturbing is the way he is pressuring me constantly to, and I quote "give him a baby". I think this is his way of gaining more control over me or something...
He also wants me to "help him" stay in this country longer by marrying him (he is always drunk but especially wasted when he says this and would always deny it afterwards if I brought it up).
This is incredibly disturbing for me to hear, it's like I have no say in the matter, it's just all about him and what he wants and I'm just a means to an end!!!
I've told him NO WAY NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN about having a baby but don't even know how to respond to the other matter as it's so insane what he's saying to me, as if I didn't have a brain or a will of my own!!
Anyways, I now have gradually set up an emergency exit plan in place with the help of the social workers. They have been in contact with a refuge and also trying to find out whether I'm available for the public funding (as I cannot pay for the refuge myself). So hopefully I'll at least have a solid exit strategy in place very soon.
I should also mention that he gambled away our rent money so I think we are going to be homeless in 2 week's time which would be a perfect time for me to finally leave him...
Is anyone else in the same situation than me, regarding the pressure to have a baby or marry him?? I just find it so utterly disturbing...
Anyways, I'm feeling stronger now that I've been meeting with the crisis team this week. I feel like I'm not alone anymore and there is help for me after all.
OK, I'm walking on eggshells now as I know he's due home from work any minute now and I have to mentally prepare myself for a looooong night of listening to him endlessly going on about how he hates his work etc etc while trying to make him drink less...
Thank you for listening, I hope you all take care tonight and think about a way out of this because this is not living, this is just existing.
xx
Created by dazed_and_confused on 29-May-11 00:26 GMT
Yes my ex has been like that re a baby & marriage, I didnt realise at the time though that it was just a trap to get more control, so at least you are aware of what hes trying to do. I ended up engaged to him after 6 weeks coz I was scared to say no, & I even stopped taking my contraceptive pill after a couple of months even though it helps to control my depression! Just shows you what a hold he had over me.
Anyway Im sorry I havent got much advice for you but Im sure the others will have, I just wanted to say I know how you feel & good luck with your exit xx
Posted by cantcope123 on 29-May-11 09:54 GMT
He is responsible for his drinking and the other awful things he does, not you. For goodness sake do not let him use you in this way, love. You will be even more trapped, married with a baby, plesae think this through. His problems and what HE wants are not your responsibility. The only responsibility you have is to yourself and YOUR future. Please take care x
Posted by getting better on 29-May-11 20:17 GMT
I always forget something, too many slaps round the head probably. Ask your mental health team to put you on the vunerable adults register. It can only be accessed through the mental health system. The main priority is to keep you safe but you MUST tell them everything that had happened. Also, emphasise that any mental health problems are a result of, or made worse by the abuse. This stops your abuser from using the 'she is nuts and imagining it' line.
There will be a meeting between you, your mental health team, the dv people and the dv police. Their only priority is to keep you safe so it is crucial that you tell them everything, this is your opportunity to have a voice. They can not keep you safe if they do not know what has been going on.
Also, the Magistrates see a copy of the minutes which undermines any drivel the abuser can come out with. If it goes to court they can insist on special conditions so that you do not have to face him in court. It is a very useful thing to be on but you must tell them everything so that they realise how vunerable you are. They understand and do not judge you. Let me know how you go on. Take care x
Posted by getting better on 29-May-11 20:29 GMT
Don't worry I am never ever going to marry him or have his baby, I 'm fully aware that this is his plan to gain control over me but it is never going to happen.
It's just so very disturbing for me to hear him say these things to me on daily basis...
I've never heard of a VA register, how does it work in practice?
I'm currently getting help from a crisis team who come to see me at home every other day and I'm slowly making a solid emergency exit plan with their help as well...
Hopefully I'll get to be free and be me again very soon.
xx
Posted by dazed_and_confused on 29-May-11 23:19 GMT
Vunerable adult register: Can only be accessed via the mental health system. Explain to you key worker, psychatrist what is going on. Expain in every graphic detail. |there will be an initial meeting between your mental health team, the dv team , the poolice dv team and you. The primary function is to keep you safe but they can only do this if they know exactly what has gone on, There is so much help that you can access via this. If you have to go to court they will organisise it so that you are in a different room so do not have to face him.
There is so much help out there. Ask your mental health team to get you on the vunerable adult register, but you must tell them everything. Also the magistrates see the minutes of the va meeting which undermines his twaddley version of events. go for it. let me know how you go on. taqke care x
Posted by getting better on 29-May-11 23:51 GMT
Vunerable adult register: Can only be accessed via the mental health system. Explain to you key worker, psychatrist what is going on. Expain in every graphic detail. |there will be an initial meeting between your mental health team, the dv team , the poolice dv team and you. The primary function is to keep you safe but they can only do this if they know exactly what has gone on, There is so much help that you can access via this. If you have to go to court they will organisise it so that you are in a different room so do not have to face him.
There is so much help out there. Ask your mental health team to get you on the vunerable adult register, but you must tell them everything. Also the magistrates see the minutes of the va meeting which undermines his twaddley version of events. go for it. let me know how you go on. taqke care x
Posted by getting better on 29-May-11 23:51 GMT
Just after reading your post i now to can see my ex tried to control me. I accepted his propasal of marraige it was also round the time I started to get help. The last thing i wanted to do was get engaged he made me tell all my family who i have to face now in two weeks. them all saying sorry its over. he used to put huge pressure on me to get my implanon removed and to trust him. He said ill give the drink up when your get pregnant. Thankfully i was stronger about this and refused. God things would be so much worse. best of luck with the crisis team hope they give you the support. xx
Posted by eire on 31-May-11 13:24 GMT
