ARCHIVE - Life after abuse

It's been a couple of months since I left the relationship and I thought I was doing relatively ok. I had a bit of problems with the docs but managed to find one I could talk to and start to get the help I need. Rang the number today for the IAPT and they said it could take MONTHS (!) to see a counsellor! jokes - so don't want this to go on any longer!

Today is his birthday and as I kind of expected it's brought everything back to the forefront of my mind - I NEED TO FORGET HIM!! I'm constantly thinking about him, what he's doing, how he's getting on with his new girlfriend, checking his facebook profile, wondering how his little girls are and his parents - even wondering if he still thinks about me! I feel pathetic and powerless! I just want to flip a switch in my brain that turns off all these feelings as it's doing my head in!

In some ways I want him to know how much he has screwed me up - how I can't bare my own company and how I'm trying to distract myself with everything and anything just so I'm not alone with my own thoughts. I've just moved back into my flat having been staying at my mum and dads and this should be a time of excitement for my future but all I can see in my head is the future he took away from me. This time last year I had my whole life planned in front of me - I was excited about one day being Mrs H and now I feel like I am back at square one (or even worse than that square -10!) I feel stupid for allowing him to have such control over me and for allowing him to destroy the person I was!

In a horrible way - I want him to hurt how I'm hurting and to take responsibility for his actions - I know it wasn't my fault but I can't help but feel that in some way it was - i allowed him to treat me in a way that was wrong and kept going back to him because I loved him! I did nothing but care for him - giving up sooo much in the process and what do I have to show for it? Scars and no control over my brain! He's won! I given up!

I feel like he's taken what he thought and hated about himself and made it apart of me. I'm now the insecure, self-doubting, anxious, untrusting, scared, angry, frustrated, worthless person! He's zapped me of myself and run off with it never to return or pay any price!

I try and talk aloud about it to friends - most dismiss some have been wonderful, but when I do talk about it openly and honestly I nine times out of ten end up having nightmares that night about it or can't sleep for thinking about it - i can't seem to win on any front!

apologies for this being a rambling post but I can't seem to get things out coherently at the moment. any advice would be great of course, but just the fact that someone might read this helps me to know although I feel alone I'm not
I hope you are doing well on your own journeys
xx