ARCHIVE - Life after abuse

Sorry to put a downer on this time of year which should be about happiness and kindness to others. It's just I am in such emotional turmoil since the ex text me last week. I text him and cuase he was Mr Nice guy i encouraged him. He wants to come and see me to give me back some of my stuff that i left behind. I want to see him soo bad but yet I dont think it would be good for me to see him. i just dont know what to do..well i suppose I know what i have to do but i dont want to do it. I think that's because doing the right thing in life is always the much harder option isnt it?? Whereas giving in to my heart my feelings I guess that's easier. It's just when he maintains the Mr Nice guy act I forget all the bad stuff. i remember the good times, the laughs we had together. I'm still in the process of rebuilding my life again..I've come far but I've still not got everything the way I want it in terms of job and although the thought of having a new relationship is absolutely unthinkable..i still long to have someone special in my life. I am such as mess and I was doing so weell..the day before the text came I remember waking up and realising that he wasnt the first thing on my ming..I felt smug..I felt happy and free and then BANG..it seems to be a repeating pattern every 3-4 months he appears..it's my fault I I am ashamed to admit I gave him my new number. God what an idiot I am. I know I need to let him go but why does it fell so fundamentally wrong to let him go? Why do I feel like I'm about to do a bungee jump off the highest bridge in the world without wearing a harness? Why do I feel like I'm having some kind of panic attack and I cant breath properly witn the terror of losing him for good. And the worst I have already been through all of this and I survivided to tell the story but now I have just fallen right off the wagon. So sorry I just need to get this out of my system as much as possible . OOOh god! Anyway thanks for reading.
L