ARCHIVE - Is it domestic abuse?
A little something I found on line...
in the early days of escaping I sourced loads of information about the traits of the abuser....I came across this one, it made a lot of sense to me at the time, it might just help some of you Newbies on here to recognise Gaslighting....yet another term for Mental Abuse
~"Gaslighting" is a term we've heard to refer to mind-messing. That is, telling someone something that is untrue to be true. And then dancing in, over and around it until confusion sets in for the listener and anyone else that is an earshot away.
It's actually a form of mental and psychological abuse, because at its core is control. You see the gaslighter will keep the gaslighting game going until he/she wins. And winning is resurrecting your utter confusion and willingness to buy the fact that "the sky is indeed orange."
Get it? I know you do, especially if you have ever been exposed to or participated in this form of mental, emotional, psychological abuse.
Here are some things you will want to do to avoid being victimized by gaslighting.
1) Keep your eyes and ears open wide when in the presence of gaslightering control freaks. Pay attention to details.
2) Cultivate an unwavering belief in your intuition. And when it speaks to you, listen with utmost respect.
3) Understand what the gaslighter's true motive is in his/her exchange with you. It's usually about simply getting you to see what you know to be true as to be untrue, or vice-versa.
4) Do not let the gaslighter think you bought his/her story, as this only gives permission for more psychological abuse of gaslighting.
5) As always, recognize, understand and trust the mental manipulations and distortions of reality are not about you.
6) Lastly and most significantly, know you do not have to "win" to be centered and find peace. A successful closure to a bout of gaslighting does not require that you convince the controlling person to accept your perspective.
If you follow these six keys to preventing being a victim of gaslighting, you can keep your head up and you will void being burned.
For more information on recognizing, ending and healing from domestic abuse, see Domestic Violence Resources. Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D. helps people identify, stop and heal from domestic abuse. http://www.PreventAbusiveRelationships~
I hope the website I borrowed it from doesnt mind me copying it onto here...not sure of the copyright law on that one...
Created by ka3n on 2-Oct-10 08:23 GMT
You are by far the wisest person on this forum.
Your advice has kept me going in times of need.
You are so strong
God Bless you Ka3n!
Posted by bmb on 2-Oct-10 08:50 GMT
Don't think we've met but I've read many of your posts and like most women on here appreciate your sound advise and supportive words....Some interesting points re 'gaslighting'. I have often resorted to putting my mobile on record when I embark on a conversation which I think my BF may turn into an argument because he is not able to discuss things in an adult way(abit one sided i suppose as i know its being recorded). I have done this because he has an amazing ability to turn things round so that its all your fault and afterwards I can't recall how the conversation ended up in a blazing row!!!...my mobile is rubbish...seriously considering buying a dictaphone then when i finally do leave,in a moment of wobble i can listen to the horrible desrespectful way he could speak to me..which will reming me that i have done the right thing!!
Back to the gaslighting...point 6 is a difficult one for me because I still feel that i'm being a doormat when i cant get my point across....I have just had an incident now....my bf got up b4 me, we have 2 dogs, the younger one sleeps in the porch n needs letting out(as dogs do) as soon as somebody is up. I was aware that he didnt let him out. When BF friend called n he opened door it was too late, little hound had done what dogs do....he did clean it up but b4 BF left (friend not in earshot) he said 'it stinks of pi.. n sh.. in there' to which i replies 'you should have let him out when you got up' he then embarked on a whole load of abuse where i am being a c... n he not touching dogs unless he in work clothes ra ra ra (he gets in such a rage i think is he gunna smack me which he hasn't done yet....2 or 3 pushes in the past)...anyway he didnt but as soon as he out of door n i feel less threatened I shout ...'take some responsibity for him (dog)...you got him'. Am i wrong to give my opinion, point of view? should I keep quiet? Am I provoking the situation?
Posted by bambi on 2-Oct-10 09:11 GMT
If I do not move first in the morning its possible the cat tray will smell (he insists cats sleep over night in kitchen, or even a hairball on the floor to tread in.
I suppose they are my pets as i am the cat lover, but as I do not want to start the day being yelled at before he goes to work or sulks at the weekend mornings, I do try and get downstairs and sort it out if needed while he showers and dresses. Otherwise there is the argument its not hygienic or appealing to make breakfast (usually buys takeaway ot course).
. However, I do feel like saying hey, you wanted them shut in the kitchen or they would use upstairs tray in sons room and the worktops would not have bits of fluff etc.
Posted by tiffanys on 2-Oct-10 12:58 GMT
when they twist and turn a whole incident into a row/arguement/fight
threaten to cause pain to your pets, and blame you for the poor animals when they mess in any way....
God almighty!!, unfortunately that is what pets do...and true to form, we are there to clear it up...because we love 'em unconditionally,
pets, children, family, even plants.....all respond from a loving compassionate person who takes care of them...
for some god-awful reason...our partners/husbands/lovers/ cannot comprehend that we are able to do this for anything else except them.....!!!!!!
anything that detracts our attention from them...receives constant criticism and loathing from "him"....and yet again we try to pacify, justify, and re arrange our whole living life to compensate for this....
when we love someone the way we do, it leaves us wide open for abuse....it takes a hell of a long time to realise that one, because when we are in it...all we are trying to do is make it all work,
its hard to keep loving someone when they dont love you back the same.
today I was accused of being synical...and judging all men the same as my ex....sadly I think I am now, but until I get proved differently I unfortunately dont believe that there are any men out there who dont put themselves first above everything else...
and yet again, got the look from a friends friend....that we allow ourselves to be treated this way...and its our fault we end up like this...not standing up to them...but when I tried to explain the subtle ways in which abusers work, her eyes glazed over, and she was quite dismissive...
I have to rise above it yet again....I dont have to explain,....I know what I went through and I know that no one else will possibly comprehend this as its my perseption at the end of the day....but I will tell you now, that there will never be a second episode of the last 14 years....in fact now, I wont give anyone a second chance anymore....sod the three strikes and your out...milarky....cross my boundaries again...and people will know about it.
I think its in the genes myself.!!!
sorry for the mini rant...
yet another joy filled evening with X factor...!!!
Posted by ka3n on 2-Oct-10 21:23 GMT
I understand exactly how you feel, I struggle immensely with intimacy and trust, when dating I find myself looking for "signs" and yet when I have had them I've minimised them. After leaving my ex husband I was determined to not let it put me off having another sexual relationship. Unfortunately my following one was also abusive. Not to the extent of my ex husband, there was no physical violence but a lot of emotional blakmail/mind games or gas lighting, it was too soon for me to get involved with someone. After a few months I ended the relationship. I had to deal with my demons and allow myself to heal. I understand how your experiences have made you feel like all men are like that but my second abusive relationship was with a woman!! Someone who I felt "by nature" would be a caring loving individual. I wish it was as simple as genes, what a fantastic way to protect yourself.
I am actually a gay woman, I conformed at a young age through fear of discrimination and met my first and only boyfried at 18, I was soon pregnant. I married as I thought my children deserved a "normal" life. Many have judged me saying I have turned to women because I was abused but women can be vial also. I have to face a lot of prejudices not only from the "straight" communityy but the gay community also over abuse I never asked for. Speaking as a DV survivor, someone who now works with domestic violence victims and also a gay woman, I see domestic violence in all relationship, cultures, races, women beating men, men abusing women, children. Unfortunately anyone can be a DV perpetrator. Something I find very scary! x
Posted by gingerbread on 2-Oct-10 21:45 GMT
I wholly agree with you too...
abuse is abuse is abuse...
but its still a bloomin' pain in the bum, trying to explain to people who are so unaware of abuse just how or why we ended up this way....and then yet again, its like I have found myself feeling unable to explain clearly to someone else who is in a "normal" relationship...without hearing my own voice...and feeling like I cant believe that I stayed so long either......and that we as victims/survivors never planned to get into this situation in the first place, just like no one goes into a relationship thinking or planning..."
oh I will get divorced/ escape/ end this relationsip in XXX amount of years...
we all like to believe that this is the one, this is MY soul mate....and then it goes horribly wrong....
never mind eh? ....at least I am out of it now...just still recognise that there is a whole heap of other hurdles to jump as the journey of recovery changes .....
its called life.
Posted by ka3n on 2-Oct-10 22:15 GMT
how do they know how to do it?
because when your not in a relationship with the guy it looks and sounds like bull sh** and me i'd be embarressed to speak such rubbish but how do they just go on and on doing this gas lighting thing and wheredo they hone their skills i wonder?
my ex was excellent as this and being ex military it always felt like what i imagine being interrogated at guantanamo may feel like! slight exageration ... NO
Posted by lucy1 on 4-Oct-10 19:54 GMT
In one of my sessions of the freedom programme, someone mentioned that their ex used to re arrange furniture when she was out, and when she came back, and mentioned it, he would deny that anything had changed! That happened early on in the relationship. Later, he would hide things or throw them out, and when she asked where they were he would say that they were never there, or deny all knowledge.
That was one of the few things that I had never experienced or heard of,,, there was plenty of manipulative behaviour, of saying things that could not possibly be true twisting things to such a distorted degree that it was ridiculous and unbelievable, but I thought the ex of this woman was really something else to be able to think of something so subtle and so very creepy... I did say that I'm not the world's most observant person so maybe he did it and I just didn't notice!!!
Posted by Don'tLookBack on 4-Oct-10 20:20 GMT
I have met very few men who do not believe that women are there to cook, clean and pander to their every need, whatever that may be. Even if, like my husband, their mother taught them to clean and cook very well and insisted they do it at home, once he moved in with me, it was a no-no. A tantrum would occur however if my efforts were not up to his high standards.
Scarily, my husband did not have contact with his natural father who left the family while the children were small, but both abused their women in the same way, as did the grandfather the generation before.
Getting their own way by whatever means and being a control freak to their women just seems to come naturally unfortunately.
Posted by tiffanys on 4-Oct-10 20:36 GMT